After I wrote yesterday's post I felt something I have never felt after posting on my blog--guilt. And I realized a few things--for one I never say anything like that in a serious conversation, I'm always joking or teasing. For two, as long as he's Dominating his way, I'm happy. Because it's his way.
I also realized that what I think and feel is very important to him (so what if that should have been blatantly obvious. Pfbht), and I have a bad habit of knowing what I don't want, not what I do want.
Then he read it.
Words are dangerous things. You can close your lips on them, here they can be deleted. But once read or heard? They create thoughts and feelings. And those are something you simply cannot hit a delete button for.
He was not angry. He was hurt. The kind of quiet hurt like when one of the dogs dies or life has fallen inexplicably to pieces overnight as it sometimes does.
"I don't know what you want baby. Sometimes I think there's no pleasing you."
I have really found nothing in this world worse than that sort of pain in him. Especially when I am the cause.
I wanted to take it back, but words create feelings and ideas. And you can't take those back. I thought about deleting it, but the words were already read.
And I had already used up all my words, I had no reply (though a different kind of oral communication did serve me rather well I think...)
Am I sorry I wrote the post?
Because I realized that I am happy with his Dominance and whatever form it takes because it's his way. I realized that I never say anything serious in a serious manner. I realized that what I say and think has a big impact on him. I realized that all I really want is to know that my submission matters, and that that shouldn't matter quite so much.
I also realized that this blog isn't really a valid means of communication for us anymore.
I am however, very very sorry for the affect it had on Alpha.
Because I can handle anything else life throws at me--except that feeling of defeat from him. I feel like I unnecessarily made him question himself. Me. Us. How we do ttwd.
When really? I'm happy with his way. Whatever that way may be. And there's really nothing that makes me happier than his happiness.
In a way, I think my post was attempting to make excuses for myself for why it's okay not to submit the way he wants when he wants, a reason for clambering my way back up the rabbit hole because it can be kind of scary sometimes.
And mostly? It's self doubt pointing outwards.
It is far easier to mend fences than it is to mend feelings.
Today is a new day and the clouds seem to be lifting slightly. Both the metaphorical and physical.