After I wrote yesterday's post I felt something I have never felt after posting on my blog--guilt. And I realized a few things--for one I never say anything like that in a serious conversation, I'm always joking or teasing. For two, as long as he's Dominating his way, I'm happy. Because it's his way.
I also realized that what I think and feel is very important to him (so what if that should have been blatantly obvious. Pfbht), and I have a bad habit of knowing what I don't want, not what I do want.
Then he read it.
Words are dangerous things. You can close your lips on them, here they can be deleted. But once read or heard? They create thoughts and feelings. And those are something you simply cannot hit a delete button for.
He was not angry. He was hurt. The kind of quiet hurt like when one of the dogs dies or life has fallen inexplicably to pieces overnight as it sometimes does.
"I don't know what you want baby. Sometimes I think there's no pleasing you."
I have really found nothing in this world worse than that sort of pain in him. Especially when I am the cause.
I wanted to take it back, but words create feelings and ideas. And you can't take those back. I thought about deleting it, but the words were already read.
And I had already used up all my words, I had no reply (though a different kind of oral communication did serve me rather well I think...)
Am I sorry I wrote the post?
No.
Because I realized that I am happy with his Dominance and whatever form it takes because it's his way. I realized that I never say anything serious in a serious manner. I realized that what I say and think has a big impact on him. I realized that all I really want is to know that my submission matters, and that that shouldn't matter quite so much.
I also realized that this blog isn't really a valid means of communication for us anymore.
I am however, very very sorry for the affect it had on Alpha.
Because I can handle anything else life throws at me--except that feeling of defeat from him. I feel like I unnecessarily made him question himself. Me. Us. How we do ttwd.
When really? I'm happy with his way. Whatever that way may be. And there's really nothing that makes me happier than his happiness.
In a way, I think my post was attempting to make excuses for myself for why it's okay not to submit the way he wants when he wants, a reason for clambering my way back up the rabbit hole because it can be kind of scary sometimes.
And mostly? It's self doubt pointing outwards.
It is far easier to mend fences than it is to mend feelings.
Today is a new day and the clouds seem to be lifting slightly. Both the metaphorical and physical.
Nothing makes you happier then his happiness, I understand that one. Still doesn't help how you feel sometimes and if anything he at least has some idea how you were feeling. If it gave you guys a starting point to get to a better place then really it was a good thing :)
ReplyDeletefaerie,
DeleteVery true, I think that if we could always change how we felt when we wanted to, life would be far simpler. But perhaps not as rich.
And yes, it was a good thing.
Second what faerie said and its ups and down and around in circles at times but each direction is a learning curve.
ReplyDeletelots of hugs
tori xx
tori, ooh, I like that--even going backwards could be a learning curve...Though, The cyclical concept works better I think.
DeleteLil,
ReplyDeleteOver the years, mouse has written lots of stuff that has made Omega see red. Literally, he's fumed about and been made to question what mouse wants and also felt defeated by circumstances he didn't see coming. Once he calms down, he realizes that mouse's views on things are her own and what she writes about at a given moment isn't always exactly the way she feels all the time.
It was just about the moment.
You can't un-ring a bell. Once it's out there, yes, it's out there. Good and bad stuff.
But saying the blog isn't a valid form of communication? Really, mouse isn't so sure about that. Through our blog, Omega can spot rumblings of discontentment in mouse long before she really knows that's what she's feeling...
Omega sees it very clearly, from the song selection used in the title, to the way she writes. Yesterday's post, he remarked that despite the vomit, mouse was happy...and yes she was very happy and contented...
The weird point is Omega needs to know when the ground beneath us is rumbling...he might not always like it...but he does need to know about it. Often the best way for him to understand is through the written word...
And even though it's hard...so does your Sir...
Even if it's just a short tremor...
Not implying that your like mouse, and hide your feelings to your Sir. Yes, mouse does that frequently so in our case he learns more from the blog than he does at times from mouse...yanno? It gives him a chance to open a discussion, even difficult ones and eventually hit the reset button on our dynamic.
But in other ways, mouse thinks that might be a bit typical of most of us submissive types...
Often we're uncertain what our issue is or how to express it...
Lil...just try not to be so hard on yourself.
Big hugs,
mouse
mouse,
Deleteafter the conversations Alpha and I had today, I have to agree with you about the blog being a valid mode of communication.
And while I do think that it is at least important to work on verbal communication, the written word seems to have the ability to give it a kick-start that I quite often have a hard time achieving.
And sad to say, but he's much better at sharing his feelings than I am. I do hide them sometimes because it's just...Hard.
One of the first things I noticed when I started reading sub blogs was that it doesn't seem to be rare that written communication via blogging seems pretty common.
Yes, when we aren't sure what an issue is or how to express it, writing can be a really wonderful way to think things through.
Thank you for your thoughts mouse.
Hugs
I am glad to hear the clouds are lifting a bit. I know the tough thing for me with blogging is I write what I am feeling at that exact moment in time. It's a snapshot of a moment and yes a lot of times those feelings last longer than that moment but others it certainly doesn't. I will often review older posts and wonder what was up with me that day and dismiss it but on the other hand I can often see a recurring issue and realize I may need to speak up about it. I know in this case yesterday's post did not serve you well but I am sure there were many others did.
ReplyDeletedancingbarez,
DeleteOh yes. Those snapshots of the moment can be tricky because by the time he reads the post, where I'm at and what I think could already be changing due to simply working through things while writing.
And as it turns out, yesterday's post did serve me well. I wrote this one before we got to talk...So that one comes tomorrow I guess lol.
Sometimes, even when ii will hurt, we should be honest regardless. It sounds like a lot of good came from this that may not have come around otherwise.
ReplyDeleteviemoira, I keep forgetting that second "i" in your name every other reply I think lol.
DeleteAnd yes, honesty is the best way to go. Certainly not the easiest, but you never know the result until you try.