A comment from faerie on one of my last posts got me to thinking...Dammit lol.
Anyways, she asked "could it be that your submission is a little deeper than you thought?" Well hmm, I hadn't really thought about that. I know right, there are still things left that I haven't thought about?!
And I think it's because I try not to. Because it's a little bit scary when I pull back the lid and look inside--at the depths of submission.
It's there inside of me. Like a swirling pool who's depths you can never quite see because it goes so far down. And I spent a lot of my life trying to fill it in with other things, to cover it up and dam it so that it would just go away. But it never did.
Much like springs that run underground, it continued growing stronger underneath the surface and forging it's own path through the earth to rise randomly to the surface following the path of least resistance.
Submission is a part of who I am. And it's easy to get carried away on whatever path it may take. Then comes along and starts working the edges. Slowly changing the direction and rate of flow into a place and direction he wants it to go.
It is possible to kill a spring. But more often than not, they simply retreat under the earth out of which they came. Alive and unseen.
Yea, ttwd really is like water.
I guess what scares me is not being able to see the bottom. The fact that perhaps it could be more like a rushing river than a peaceful spring or a quiet pool--it's easy to get swept away in the rapids.
Knowing that my submission might really run deeper than I thought...Well...I need more coffee. Because I doubt I'm making much sense.
Sorry for making you think, lol. This post makes perfect sense to me. I said that because it is often how I feel, that my submission goes much much deeper then I think it does most of the time.
ReplyDeletefaerie, it happens lol.
DeleteThough it does look like there will be a follow up thought train...
lol oh its a vicious circle this overthinking isnt it? i question my submission not to him as such but in general...i mean i wouldnt say i come accross as submissive and i read traits that people say are submissive and i fall short lol
ReplyDeletei figure as long as he is happy with my submission thats all that matters.
tori x
tori, oh yes, it most certainly is.
DeleteAnd I agree, all that really matters is that he is happy with it.
Ok - i'm calling you out on this one - you wrote a really great post - then you back off at the punch line. Seems to me that the important, or difficult (or both, cuz those go together) thoughts are the ones you walked away from. What if your submission runs deeper than you think? My experience has been that each trip deeper brings us closer and stronger. I know everyone is different - but i have a feeling it's similar for you two. So - what if....?
ReplyDeletegg, fair enough lol. But those are the scary questions!
DeleteThere's no better time to walk away for coffee is there?
I'll get there. Maybe even this week...Well, month...
maybe you're afraid of drowning.....but here's to another cup
ReplyDeletetrazuredpet, could be...But it's so hard to resist just one more drink...
DeleteI think you'd like that porno movie called Submissive Poot: A Dealer's Journal.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with questioning yourself. But don't try to over analyze things, it will drive you to drink something alot stronger than coffee. Lol. Go with the flow, like the flowing water.
ReplyDeleteBlondie, don't over analyze?! Been trying to kick that habit for a while lol.
DeleteI like the whole "go with the flow" bit.
It makes perfect sense to me as well. And my first thought was much like trazuredpet's - maybe you're afraid of being carried away, of losing yourself. But in my experience, the deeper you go, the more you feed him and the stronger you both become, and the greater understanding of who each of you are. Trust that he won't let you get lost.
ReplyDeleteJune, Thank you for your thoughts. And it's always nice to hear I made some sort of sense!
DeleteLOL - I can sympathize with that - thoughts buzzing against your skull likes swarms of mad bees & spilling out on paper & then trying to decide if there is any semblance of coherent thought - I do it all the time :)
Delete