Saturday, April 7, 2012

Needy Little Thing

Needy...I don't really know how not to be.

Yea, I consider myself competent, capable of being self-sufficient, and fairly easy to please (I'm sure Alpha disagrees with the last one), but I also tend to be needy.
The more submissive I am, the more needy I feel. And it's driving me nuts. Come to think of it, I'm probably driving him nuts too.

Me more needy...Him busy...Messy.

Yea, I was thrilled when he dragged me into the bathroom and jacked off in my mouth.

Funny thing, I still don't like to admit that I love it.

Oops, got a little distracted for a second there.

Ooh, see the pretty butterfly?


Introspection is so rarely pretty...

Beyond the issue of letting go itself, there are some issues that arise when I actually do it.

One of them is this horrifically powerful craving for Dominance. Brain-numbing, controlling, overwhelmingly overpowering, Dominance.

I mean, it's ridiculous. I think I may become halfway intolerable (yes, only halfway), in short, I'm pretty sure I become a raging brat.

Because I want a response. I want to be grabbed by the throat and thrown up against a wall. I want to spend hours without a will of my own. I want  a major show of Dominance and I will prod and poke until I get it...Or not.

By then? It's never good. Yea, I will probably get thrown up against the wall and slapped. And then later he'll cane my ass and I'll be so very very freaking sorry; because really, that thing is awful.
Or he will raise the occasional eyebrow at me, get truly annoyed, and refuse to be drawn out at all. Then he'll ponder the complexities of chess all night.

Sounds like this is really working for me right?

Awesome huh.
I know. It's not.

Being a good girl can be so painfully elusive...Sometimes I feel like everything gets all fuckered up no matter which direction I go in--hang on with bleeding fingernails to achieve feeling like I am merely scratching the surface of possibility, or let go and fall flat on my face.

I think that the whole "let go grab it back, let go grab it back" circle is screwing with me. I mean, how does a person go from being so off she forgets and goes to bed with panties on (since when???), to "please please please repeatedly prove to me without a doubt that which we both already know--I am owned."

I detect a less than faint whining tone...And I find it slightly irritating.

There's no doubt that I tend to have some behavioral issues when I'm needy, but I think he likes my need...

Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to see me...Needy. He likes to point out that there were a great many years where his needs were not met. I don't deny it.

Thing is, I am pretty damn good at turning it off.
Then he wants me on. And I can't turn back on.

He doesn't like it when things "feel forced". And I can appreciate that, and yes, whatever his idea of Dominance is works for me.
But sometimes I wonder...Why does he want me to let go?

Last night he said, "what do you want?" I glowered and said, "you Know what I want!" He turned back to his game, "say what you want and you might get it."
Simple yes?
Should have been. I went to bed.
Brilliant right?

I think I need to quit writing until I get my whine under control lol.


  1. Whine away girl it is your blog;)

    1. Kindred, thank you.
      Sometimes when I see the humor fading out of my whine in a series of posts, I figure it's time to do some reevaluation of view.

  2. I totally understand the need for dominance. I crave that rawness, that essence that rolls off him. I crave that feeling of being safe in his hands. I understand the whining when the need is unbearable. Daddy likes my need to, and when I apologize for being whiny & bratty he says it's okay, I just need him. So I agree, I think they like it, doesn't make me feel any better about it, though :)

    1. June, yea, when they're just sitting there and you can feel it emanating off them...I know that one well.

  3. Lil,

    Not too long ago, we were on that merry-go-round. Omega would be busy, mouse would pout and start to crave his dominance, his control. Then he'd give it to her and she'd balk. Then it starts, mouse needed intense pain, he'd be busy, so mouse would brat it out...

    Omega called mouse out on this topping from the bottom. He began demanding that mouse beg (as in on her knees) exactly what she wanted from him. Omg it was impossible....embarrassing....he knows everything doesn't he know this??

    Yes he did know, but he wanted mouse to say it anyway...

    It took a long time....but eventually. Mouse got there. We were better for it and it helped lay groundwork for future challenges.


    1. mouse, omgoodness I think you are giving him ideas lol. He read this and said he likes the way Omega thinks.

      Amazing how difficult it can be to ask for what we want, somehow even more so when they already know. And begging...Well that's difficult pretty much anytime I think.

  4. Lil,
    god the twists and turns - I need for it to be difficult - at least parts of it - maybe i won't always - but somewhere in there i need to be pushed and challenged. If only i could stop making the whole thing so twisted in my head that i can't function.... Talk about learning curves.

    1. gg, ah the learning curve...No one tells you how far down the ground is do they.
      It's hard to get out of our heads...I hope things become less twisted up soon.

  5. Today I said to my M: "You must really want to slap me a lot because I am such a smartass & so nedy and winey" He did not really answer. I guess I will take that as a Yes?!

    1. viemoira, for some reason blogger has decided to keep putting your comments in the spam box. Though interestingly enough, I have never had any real spam end up there lol.

      And well, that does sound a bit like a yes lol. Don't you love how they do that?


Play nice.