Yea, I consider myself competent, capable of being self-sufficient, and fairly easy to please (I'm sure Alpha disagrees with the last one), but I also tend to be needy.
The more submissive I am, the more needy I feel. And it's driving me nuts. Come to think of it, I'm probably driving him nuts too.
Me more needy...Him busy...Messy.
Yea, I was thrilled when he dragged me into the bathroom and jacked off in my mouth.
Funny thing, I still don't like to admit that I love it.
Oops, got a little distracted for a second there.
Ooh, see the pretty butterfly?
Introspection is so rarely pretty...
Beyond the issue of letting go itself, there are some issues that arise when I actually do it.
One of them is this horrifically powerful craving for Dominance. Brain-numbing, controlling, overwhelmingly overpowering, Dominance.
I mean, it's ridiculous. I think I may become halfway intolerable (yes, only halfway), in short,
Because I want a response. I want to be grabbed by the throat and thrown up against a wall. I want to spend hours without a will of my own. I want a major show of Dominance and I will prod and poke until I get it...Or not.
By then? It's never good. Yea, I will probably get thrown up against the wall and slapped. And then later he'll cane my ass and I'll be so very very freaking sorry; because really, that thing is awful.
Or he will raise the occasional eyebrow at me, get truly annoyed, and refuse to be drawn out at all. Then he'll ponder the complexities of chess all night.
Sounds like this is really working for me right?
I know. It's not.
Being a good girl can be so painfully elusive...Sometimes I feel like everything gets all fuckered up no matter which direction I go in--hang on with bleeding fingernails to achieve feeling like I am merely scratching the surface of possibility, or let go and fall flat on my face.
I think that the whole "let go grab it back, let go grab it back" circle is screwing with me. I mean, how does a person go from being so off she forgets and goes to bed with panties on (since when???), to "please please please repeatedly prove to me without a doubt that which we both already know--I am owned."
I detect a
There's no doubt that I tend to have some behavioral issues when I'm needy, but I think he likes my need...
Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to see me...Needy. He likes to point out that there were a great many years where his needs were not met. I don't deny it.
Thing is, I am pretty damn good at turning it off.
Then he wants me on. And I can't turn back on.
He doesn't like it when things "feel forced". And I can appreciate that, and yes, whatever his idea of Dominance is works for me.
But sometimes I wonder...Why does he want me to let go?
Last night he said, "what do you want?" I glowered and said, "you Know what I want!" He turned back to his game, "say what you want and you might get it."
Should have been. I went to bed.
I think I need to quit writing until I get my whine under control lol.