Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Short Rant and Other Randomness

"Blogger has a new look! Introducing the completely new, streamlined blogging experience that makes it easier for you to find what you need and focus on writing great blog posts." This is what my (I assume), dashboard said to me yesterday.
Sure, I would have loved to focus on my post...If I could find it. After attempting to find said post, and searching for the blogs I follow, and switching back to the previous version several times (which blogger so kindly switches right back to "new and improved!"), I think I finally got it to stay the way I want to.
Apparently, I'm a computer illiterate control freak who doesn't adapt well to change. And happens to write a blog revolving around D/s.
Go figure.

Finally, it did what I wanted and everything looks neat and tidy again, so on to other ramblings...


I had a realization about my anxieties in giving in and going deeper into D/s--that I will dive and he won't be there to catch me because he doesn't want to swim that deep.

After all, which is worse, staying in the shallows and being accepted, or leaping into the deep end and being rejected?
Not that he has given any indication that such a thing would happen...

I wonder if my reoccurring headaches are actually  due to over thinking lol.

But I think that this realization has merit for me. Because it helps me to see things more clearly. Anxieties cannot be gotten rid of if you don't, at least to some extent, understand them.

He has taken an approach lately that has been difficult for me...It requires me to be much more proactive, enforce the rules I have upon myself, ask for what I want, come to him with my submission, and it seems, to punish myself for my transgressions.

And it makes me ask, if these things matter to him--whether I obey or not, whether I forget to do as I should or not, whether I submit or not.
He says they do matter to him. And I believe what he tells me. So why is it so difficult?

I understand his motivation in that he has told me he doesn't have time to keep me in line, and that I just need to be a good girl.
Logically, it makes plenty of sense. In lil-mind? It got automatically translated to, "I don't think it's/you're worth my time."

Uh huh, my interpretive skills might be lacking. Just a bit.


  1. I guess my question to you is what do you want? And why do you want it? In the bedroom, I know I really only have the best of sex when he is being dominant and I am totally submissive. I love it. But in the rest of our lives, total domination is not realistic. We practice domestic discipline but even that we have had to really define what it is we want from each other. We have five very active kids, so my husband does not have the time or energy to micro manage me and I don't have time to list the things I did do or didn't do so he can punish me or not. It was frustrating cause I was trying really hard. But we started to change and work as a team and the punishments are more for obvious mess ups or launguage. But the sex, I can be dominaed and spanked without asking or topping from the bottom. Lol I hope that htis might help sort things out. Obviously your husband loves you dearly and you are very important to him. He may be worried about what he is capable of doing. See the good in his words and not the bad. Thirteen years of marriage has go to tell you something about his love for you.

    1. Blondie,
      I was given a very clear picture of what it would look like if I got everything I asked for and it really made me think about it lol. Want's are not as important as need, and I think that the two differ more often than we tend to think they do.

      A place where want and need intersect for me is knowing that my submission matters to him. Being reminded of that makes all the other directions and paths along the way okay.

      I don't think that total Domination is realistic for anyone. There is always going to be life that exists outside of the exchange of power.

      When we first began exploring D/s, it was strictly in the bedroom. And that just didn't work for us. Though yes, the sex became awesome. But I think that for us, it's more about the way we choose to live overall than certain moments in time.

  2. Side stepping back to blogger... it is like when you go to the supermarket and your favourite cereal announces "new and improved". You know nothing good is going to come out of the box :(

    As to the rest... there is alway a line between their needs and our wants. In the past one has always described this as a dance... one step forward and two back. Like all dance, it gets easier with continual practise. And people grow into their roles... keep talking and loving each other xx

    1. Mp, right--new and improved is just another way of saying "we have found a way to ruin what you like, and present it to you like it is actually better than before!"

      Dance...Not even my own mother will dance with me. I try to lead when I should follow, I step on everyone's feet including my own...Dammit, you're right--it is very much like a dance lol.
      Great analogy.

  3. haha trust me your not the only one who isnt happy, i have just this minute made a comment on someone else's blog whom isnt happy.

    I dont like the new look either, i dont like change full stop, when i log on i change it back to old version but i dont know how long that option will be available for.

    tori x

    1. tori, I found some button that changed it back and it doesn't seem to be switching on it's own for now like it was before...But I couldn't tell you where that button was because I discovered it quite by accident and am afraid to go back lol.

  4. oh lil,
    this has been my struggle for the past few months - he has no intention of forcing me into anything - he will wait for me too come to him the way he wants me. And it does feel as if it means he just can't be bothered, isn't interested, isn't invested, is too lazy... So I do submit, all by myself, which feels silly and scary and pointless, and the funny thing is, once i do - it's all so much better and more right. And the other funny thing is - he suddenly surprises me with wanting to be dominant more - but in the knee melting, really good for both of us, having very intense fun, show of force kind of way. It's as if being free from enforcing our places, he is free to just be and explore what he really wants to, and so am i. I'm not sure i'm explaining this well at all, and this new phase is very new for us - but it is different - very different - and in a good way.

    1. gg, you explained it great. And it makes a lot of sense to me because I think we are very much in the same place.
      Very well said. Thank you!

  5. I had to have a think about the latter part of your post because maybe im like you and my interpretation skills are not very good lol

    I do think that its joint effort to make the dynamic work, im struggling with the part about him saying he doesnt have the time to keep you in line part, like you i would translate that as...cant be bothered/its too much effort....although im sure thats not the case.

    It should be easy to just be good and obedient and everything will fall into place but it doesnt work like that..well not for me lol, i look to him and need him to take control when it doesnt....i need the security that this know that ultimatley he will enforce the rules/boundries that he has given me...i need consistency.

    Lol its all about my need dont you know! Seriously though i wouldnt respond too well to having to manage my own submission, i need his guidence and well he likes and thrives on being in it suits us both, sure i am free to ask for what i would like or want and of course need but i do find it quite difficult.

    I wander perhaps if your struggling with this because its a conflict with yourself and your want/need to be led? does that make sense?

    Im just getting some thoughts out there...i hope no offence is taken as none is meant.

    tori x

    1. tori,
      I think we all need consistency. Oddly enough, at first, I felt like it was lacking. But he's been very consistent with this approach lol.

      I too need control, and I do need to be led. And he still does those things...But kind of like, "I'm leading, you can follow the lead or choke yourself on your own by struggling against it."

      More than anything I struggled with feeling like he didn't care if I did as I was told or not. He made it quite clear that he did, and stuck with his current approach.
      As long as I know that it really does matter to him, it is somehow easier. Dunno if that makes sense lol.

      And no offense taken. I appreciate your thoughts.

  6. No advice, just sending hugs.

    Oh and blogger's new interface sucks.


    1. mouse, hugs back atcha.
      Yes it does. And now it tells me that the old interface won't be an option after April. Bastards.

  7. We seem to be in that same rut. I think as a whole its part of the workings of a submissive's mind that keeps us wondering when is it all going to be too much. How deep is it going to get before one of us backs away? I constantly am afraid of HIM judging me so then it makes it hard for me to submit. A never ending loop. I have a hard time talking about what I need and then I get punished for not telling HIM. Bahhh! It's all a set up I swear.

    And yes... New Blogger can go back where it came from. Anyone have a receipt? :)

  8. T, it does seem like a setup sometimes doesn't it lol. I think that losing, or at least abating, that fear of judgement is very helpful. But it doesn't always happen. Interestingly enough, the humiliation factor has helped me tremendously with that.

    And unfortunately, free things don't seem to come with receipts lol. Though fixing things that aren't broken is greatly overrated.


Play nice.