24/7

It has been one of those weeks:

How sweet is that...

I have realized that my normal emotional and physical functioning is not...Normal. Still not sure how I feel about that, but it has led to some sensitivity and easy irritation on my part. Apparently...

We had a tiff. Well, he was irritated, I woke up to it, and the party continued.

This seems to be my motto...

By the time Alpha got home last night, he had decided to put an end to it.
I made have made the fatal mistake of laughing inappropriately at what I saw as a threat (turns out it was a promise). Said laughter earned me peeing in a cup every morning.

He asked me if I needed the belt. I hemmed and hawed, (I don't like the belt) finally settling on "I don't know".
He make me kneel in front of him as he pissed all over me. I tearfully admitted that I had never realized not everyone experienced emotion over little things as intensely as me. Oddly enough, he already knew that, and seemed surprised that I didn't...I tried to explain that he had gotten a faulty model, but he didn't seem to care...Apparently he's keeping me, regardless of failing parts.

Then he took me over his knee where I proceeded to lose count several times, never making it past ten. The lesson? I appear to have a problem with my definition of 24/7. it is always, not just when I want.

So...

He said, "that first piss of the day that you cherish so much, is now mine. You'll pee in a cup every morning until I say otherwise. Because you are mine always, at all times. Even in the morning. Is there something that you don't understand about the term 24/7?"

Ummm....
"The 7?"
Because really, peeing in a cup before 7 AM, and this whole morning thing...
Yea, he wasn't having it.

I feel remarkably better today...
This is always, in all ways.
And really, how can one not appreciate a man who values damaged property like a rare misprint?

Decisions Decisions

Whenever a person commits to a relationship, they accept the fact that there might be a time when they are responsible for making medical decisions on behalf of the person they are committing to. Such things are not confined to the people we sleep with. Many of us make these decisions for our children, and quite often, other family members.

Every Dominant draws the line somewhere. More aptly perhaps, over and over again in a variety of places and ways.
One of the places where Alpha draws the line, is often when it comes to serious decisions about my healthcare choices. He offers his opinion, and then he expects me to make a well informed choice of my own. I will usually do research and waffle back and forth, finally settling on his original recommendation.

Of course, a strenuous objection from him would be complied with like an order, because that's just how I seem to function these days. That's probably why he offers a mild opinion and then sits back and waits for me to figure my shit out...

I think that ultimately, as long as we are able, there are decisions that should not be put on another persons' shoulders. Simply because, if the wrong decision is made, that person could be left with a lifetime of regret and guilt.

I have been waffling about a decision.
I got two possible diagnosis that are, in and of themselves, not incredibly dangerous. Though they do raise my risk for various (and more severe) health problems.

Apparently exploratory surgery is the only way to get a definitive diagnosis. Chances are, I would refuse the traditional treatment for either condition, because seriously, the last thing I need is more problems with my hormones.

Of course, as the Dr. pointed out, I could refuse traditional methods altogether, and just live in pain.
I know that sounds bad. But for the most part, pain and I have developed a working relationship.
I also think that these conditions can probably be managed in other ways.

Alpha suggested that I try alternative therapies that would likely treat/maintain both conditions without repeated surgeries, or the side effects of pharmaceutical prescriptions.
As he said, "I have offered my opinion, but this one's on you. This is one of those things that you have to decide for yourself."

I realize that this is something I will have to be conscious of for the rest of my life. I figure it will help me with that whole "mindfulness" thing that I have been working on forever.

So for now, the decision has been made--the probe happy doctor can have his good times with someone else. I am going to continue getting my masochistic needs met at home.

Perspective

I often think that we are pretty tame--in the lighter end of the spectrum of ttwd perhaps.
I sometimes complain about his expectations, and put on a front that he asks too much, but really? I think he's pretty easy going and not all that strict.

It's kind of like that beautiful long drive to town--I don't really like it. I see the road, and the tourists. I know every turn, and where the elk are most likely to be. I can close my eyes and drive it in my sleep because I have seen it a million times.
But if I step back and look at it with fresh eyes, pretending that it is a previously unseen view? It's stunning, and I can see why people stop to gawk, and come from far away places to see that which I have grown to take for granted.

Our relationship is a bit like that.
I walk around feeling like we are just a couple steps from vanilla, then I take a look at a "Normal" vanilla relationship, and wonder if we are even on the same planet.

There are very few decisions that I make on my own, and even when I do, it's when he has told me to (just call me Miss Independent).
My hair is how he likes it
my clothes are what he approves of
the food I cook is what he wants (never mind the rice. Damn the rice)
I maintain my body in a manner that pleases him
I think of that body in terms of it being his far more than I see it as mine
as easy going as he seems on the surface, he's actually quite strict--but that is our "normal"
I don't question the plugs, the golden showers, the enemas, the restraint, the slaps
I accept that his are the only limits I have
I accept that he decides if anyone else touches me, and he is free to explore with other women if he so chooses
the list could go on and on...
In fact, having spent my entire adult life with him (beginning several years before I technically hit that landmark), I don't know any other way to be besides his.

I think that it's easy to fall into the thought that D/s and M/s are the same as kinky fun.
Really, there's only so much kinky shit two people can do with kids in the home 24/7.
And that's where I fall into comfortably thinking that we live in the shallow end of possibility. The thing is...Ttwd is not always defined by actions alone. It can be a mindset and an approach to life with another human being.

If slavery means picking up the dirty laundry next to the basket, or being whipped to tears
if slavery means making decisions I don't want to, and accepting responsibility for things I don't want to be responsible for, all the while accepting his word as final in all things
if slavery means baring my soul and giving him access to every private thought
if I accept that my slavery is whatever he says it is
then I am well and truly further down the rabbit hole than I every thought to go.

I couldn't pick out the exact moment when the shift was made
I couldn't tell you when
or how
I stopped being his submissive
and became his slave.

But I do know that I accept ttwd to be whatever he says it is. And that itself is my slavery.

I need You

I originally posted this here. I had it saved in my drafts folder though, and figured it was time for a bit of blog cleaning. Plus, it fits my current mood.

I need You to pull me in with that soft kiss 

and gentle caress.

Lure me down with Your hand in my hair

and that particular touch of infinite care.

I need You to

unleash Yourself on me and set the Beast free.

Take me to my knees

make me

whatever You want me to be.

Push me over the edge and into the abyss

with Your raging kiss.

Down that road through blood sweat and years

Far beyond my fears

washing them away with my tears.

I need You to momentarily
rip away my humanity
to strip away the superficial.
to bury Yourself in my body
and roam through my mind.

I need You to flow through my soul
tearing away all thought and everything I am not.
Force me to my knees and smile quietly in the face of my screams
as I rest at your feet.

Take me outside of the lines
where the only word I hear is "Mine"
where we exist
outside of time.

D/s Without Punishment?

A question on one of my old posts brought the concept of punishment to the forefront of my mind again. Specifically, how our D/s works without it.

In all honesty, there are still days when I miss punishment. Or more accurately, I miss the absolution and sense of having a clean slate that punishment brings.

In the spring of last year, he announced that punishment would no longer be a part of our dynamic. I may have had a minor meltdown. "You can't have D/s without punishment?! Now I know you're doing it wrong!"
Yea...I even tested the waters a bit. You know, see if he could be provoked into a retraction. Nope. He stuck to his decision like glue. I swear I went through withdrawals.

No punishment doesn't mean that I get away with anything that wasn't allowed before. It's just...Different.

Being the logical man that he is, Alpha patiently explained his reasoning while I panicked and bounced off the walls like a deflating balloon.
He wants me to submit because I need to, because I want to, because of a sense of personal motivation on my part; not because of threat of punishment.
He said that there's enough punishment in the world, without having it in our relationship. Plus, I am apparently quite good at self-punishment. Too bad it comes without the sense of absolution...

I have adapted, and I can see the point and value in his perspective--I am responsible for my own behavior. If I need to be Dominated, I will submit. If I know better, then I should be better. He doesn't feel that it's his job to force me to submit every time I balk at something.

It's not to say that there are not consequences, or that I get to do whatever I want. There is often instant discipline if I step over the line, but he refuses to call it punishment.
There is also the painful fact that one of the terrible side effects of D/s is that his disappointment is utterly crushing.
Seriously, wanna see full grown Little Miss Independent turn into a quivering ball of tears? Catch me in that moment after he says he's disappointed in me.

I miss the sense of absolution that punishment brings. But I also now see the sense in holding myself responsible for my actions as opposed to expecting him to do it for me.

I want to be his and am willing to do whatever is necessary for that to be our reality. Because it is who I am, and I need it. Punishment is ultimately unnecessary for us to accomplish that.  

There are many healthy and fully functioning D/s relationships that utilize punishment. I think that there are also more D/s relationships than people realize, which do not have punishment as part of the dynamic.

In some odd, and perhaps twisted way, withholding punishment becomes a punishment in and of itself--there will be no absolution to look forward to after I fuck up, there will be no pain to wash it all away. There will be bitter disappointment, and the knowledge that I did wrong.

Since this post originated with a question, I think now would be a good time to add that no punishment doesn't mean no pain.
Sometimes I need that beating, the pain and absolution that washes the weight of life away. And I get it. It just does not come in the form of punishment.

Alpha has many responsibilities. One of those is helping me to be what he expects me to be by creating an environment where I desire to submit to him.
Ultimately, this is a consensual arrangement, and I am responsible for exhibiting the kind of behavior that I know makes our arrangement function well.

Taking punishment out of our dynamic was his way of ensuring that my submission always comes from an inner desire and need to please him, not fear of repercussions.

He is still just as patient and strict as ever, perhaps more so. Above all else, he expects that I will do my best to please him. It is a simple and all-encompassing expectation that is not always easy to accomplish. But I try. Because this is who I am, and he is what I need.

Even though this is quite the ramble, I have a feeling that I somehow managed to leave a lot out...

Try Try, and Fall Again

While I do think that everyone needs a certain degree of appreciation for relationships to be happy, I try really hard to stay away from the mindset that he is supposed to acknowledge my efforts. Because really, submission is much more about following that cardinal rule of pleasing him, than it is about what he will do for me if I please him.

I have apparently fallen quite short on the pleasing him aspect lately.

I don't spend much time writing about our arguments. For one, I really only think about them while they're happening, and him reading it never seems to help. For two, it doesn't happen very often. And for three, I think that there is a tendency for well meaning readers to blow things out of proportion.

That being said,we had an argument.

I feel like he doesn't appreciate me.
That may or may not be true to one extent or another.

He thinks that I'm mean.
I am sure that none of you have noticed my scathing silver tongue. Apparently, he doesn't appreciate it.

I said that I feel like he only notices when I screw up, not when I get it right, and that it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try--all that matters are my shortcomings (so it probably wasn't stated that eloquently).
His response was that I don't actually care about anything that he does--I pay him polite lip service, but am otherwise uninterested.

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. It is true that I am usually not at all interested in doing what he does for a living, and we are often fascinated by completely different things, but I am interested in what he does. I am interested in what makes him happy. I am interested in things that wouldn't otherwise interest me simply because they are of consequence to him.

Do you know what started it all? Hold on to your hats, this one's a doozy:
I asked him why he hardly got any rice for dinner, and his response was,
drum-roll.....
"After 15 years of eating rice every night, I'm just kind of tired of it."
I have not fed him rice every night for 15 years.

Uh huh, it all went downhill from there. Fueled quite nicely by the fact that the kids decided it would be a good night to raise hell and be thoroughly disagreeable.

Clearly, we reserve our arguments for the really important issues in life.

I think though, that sometimes things that are really bothering us come out when we are focussing on minor irritations.
I do feel unappreciated.
He feels that that I don't care about what he does or wants to do, and that I only hear the criticisms.

I feel like I try so friggin hard to be a good girl, to be pleasing, to make him happy.
Yet...
He finds me unkind and disobedient. And that doesn't make him happy.

And somehow we come back to the beginning--motivation matters.
I want to feel appreciated, but I don't want to be that woman who submits for the reward. Because for me, that's not really submission.
Though to know that I have pleased, that is a reward I crave.

Sometimes I feel like the harder I try, the worse I do.



And just because I couldn't keep it to myself...

This had me sputtering in my coffee.

Back to Basics

Whips,
chains,
floggers,
cuffs,
knives,
plugs,
the list is practically endless.

But really, underneath all of the trappings and toys, our D/s about control, power, and trust. It is about basic desires, and fundamental human needs.
It's about the fact that he ultimately controls all of the above. For both of us.

Yes, he controls the cut of my hair, the underwear I do or do not wear, the places I go, etc. But I think that it's the control over the basic little things about being human that has the biggest impact.

All that other stuff with it's pretty toys? It's just the trappings.

It all starts with the basics. Working our way up the hierarchy of needs, with everything else being somewhat extraneous.

While I'm not entirely sure about the organization and content of this pyramid, it will do

I think that ultimately, our D/s revolves around feeding and control of these needs. The foundation of the pyramid is all about the basics.
To one extent or another, he controls my pyramid from the bottom up.

The basics are the foundation on which everything else is built. It's the little things, the simple things, the common and undeniable needs, that set the groundwork for control of everything else.

There are many things that we can all live without, there are things which greatly increase our quality of life, and there are things without which, we die.

Much like everything else in life, at its core, D/s is really very much about the basics.

All the Cool Shoes...

So I'm standing in the shoe store earlier, doing my usual silent complaining about shoe size availability (I'm at least 4 inches taller than the average woman around here. They get all the cool shoes).
A man walks behind me and says, "Damn your gorgeous." Then continues on his way out of the store as if nothing had been said.

That should have been creepy right?

It totally wasn't.

In fact, I may have let a giggle or two slip through as I was telling Alpha about it.

He called me a whore.

What can I say, when one suddenly outgrows the clothing they have been throwing on every morning for years, it's hard to be offended by random compliments.
And seriously, I don't know about anyone else, but the first day of my period always has me feeling about as sexy as a drowned rat. Life is full of surprises!

Overall, it was a surprisingly successful afternoon. Except for the shoes. Because women with small feet get all the cool shoes.

A Bit of Nothing...

August is always crazy for us. Ironically, it really should be the last month of summer quiet before soccer season begins...This will be the little one's first year playing soccer, and the kiddo's first year in chess club.
Did I mention I'm freaking out just a teensy bit that all their stuff might be on different days so I'd may have to drive to town 3-4 days a week? That's only a big deal when you live out in the middle of nowhere and your poor car is...Iffy.

Anyways...

Been doing lots of work around the house and thew garden. Trying to get ready for the little one's birthday...Did I mention that he wants pizza? Once again, not a big deal at all. Until you accept that you have to make it. I'm hoping I can find pre-made crust, because otherwise I will have to make the dough from scratch, which is soooo not how I want to spend his birthday lol.
There was also a sudden and unreasonable interest in cakes that look like chess boards, so I'm trying to figure out the easiest way to decorate one...

All in all, I really can't shouldn't complain though, Alpha has work for the month, the house is looking nice, and the boys new bedroom should be finished by winter.

Next week is the doctor's appointment that I have been waiting a month and a half for. My CT scan was clean (in that area anyways), and I've been feeling a lot better, so I'm seriously debating whether or not to cancel the appointment. Decisions, decisions...This is one of those things where I'm like, "Tell me what to do, please!" But he's all mean and won't order me around. Go figure.

I have already been on the computer for way to long this morning...I had better get off my butt and go workout before I decide not to.

Just for fun:

Aw, someone wrote something just for me!

A Question of Wanting an Abusive Relationship?

"Why am I so in love with the thought of an abusive boyfriend or relationship? I'm not fond of the physical abuse; it's more of the emotional aspect if it. I don't understand why though."

In all honesty, I couldn't help but question the sincerity of this question; however, I am going to give it a sincere reply.

In short, I don't know.
There are many and vast differences between abuse and BDSM, so I am not sure why you felt that this was an appropriate place to ask your question.
My best advice is that this is a question for a therapist, and I think that you should explore it with someone who is qualified to help you find the answer you are seeking.

That being said, my first thought is that you aren't personally familiar with abusive relationships. They aren't pretty--your shit is always smashed, you make frequent trips to the hospital, your mind gets warped in ways you never could have imagined, it impairs your functioning and your relationships, etc. In short, there's a long list of crappy stuff that comes with abusive relationships.

I am curious what it is that you find appealing about the emotional aspects of abusive relationships...?

Sometimes we like a little bit of fear with our loving
sometimes we can be little bit emotionally masochistic
some of us enjoy getting slapped around a bit
and many of us thrive in Dominant/submissive relationships.

Nobody thrives in abusive relationships. Not even the abusers.

I don't know why you are so attracted to the thought of an abusive relationship. Perhaps you need to love yourself more, perhaps you haven't really considered the repercussions of emotional abuse, perhaps you think you deserve it, or perhaps you don't really know what an abusive relationship really is.
Regardless of the reasons, I stand by my original thought--this is a question best explored with a good therapist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you are able to find your answer without exploring relationships of an abusive nature--I assure you that the reality of true emotional abuse is not in the least little bit attractive.

Home Alone

I'm home alone, and I just don't know what to do with myself. Well, technically the kids are asleep in their room, but...

It's odd when you get used to someone being there every night. Even if he's in the living room and I'm in bed, the house just feels different when he's not in it.

Yea...I got nothing. Except that I have already scoured Facebook for funnies, pigs have flown and Pinterest holds no interest for me at the moment, and even though I have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, sleep is most definitely not calling my name. And apparently, I am still the queen of coma abuse.

I have accumulated a nice supply of funnies though...

C'mon, I know I'm not the only one who's had this thought.

Seriously, You have to bury that shit silently at midnight.

I think we need this on our gate...

And last, but not least:

What can I say...

Yes Master

I do this really weird and annoying thing, (yes, that really was singular) where I get it into my head that I have this whole submissive thing down, I'm going to be a really good girl, and everything is just going to flow all lovely and shit.

Ha.

That's not the annoying thing though, the annoying part is that I inevitably begin the swift and slippery slide into forgetting my place. Because I've got this right? I decided to be good, therefore I'll be good however I think I should be. And that is not necessarily always on board with his ideas of how I should behave.

So, with all my good intentions leading me straight down the nicely paved road to hell, it's fair to say that my attitude may have slipped a little bit lately. Think Little Miss Independent meets Mom the Cranky Disciplinarian and we go dancing our way through the flaming gates.

I don't try to be bad! Where have I heard that before...Oh yea, my kid. Crap.

Now that the scene is set, complete with pavement and pretty flames...

Alpha called from work earlier, as he usually does. I was in the middle of making a lemon cake, and so we chatted as we normally do. The instant my cake hit the oven rack, he asked if I was done. Now, it's not unheard of for him to call up and ask me to Google a phone number or something of that nature.
In my naive innocence, I walked over to the computer, announcing that yes, cake was in the oven and I was all free.

His tone immediately changed as he informed me that I was going to go get the butt plug, go to the bathroom, and insert it while on the phone. Then I was to tell him when I was done.

Ummm...
Say huh what?
This is new...
Okay...

"You need to remember your place. So think about your place and how you are going to be a good girl. When you're done thinking and you want to take it out, you can call me back and beg me to let you take it out."
"Yes Sir."
"Yes, what...?"
"Yes Master."
"That's better. Your ass is mine. Your hot little twat is mine. Your body is mine. That hot little head of yours is mine too. And don't you ever forget it."
"Yes Master."

DIY Forever

For the entire history of our relationship, I have not been allowed to use power tools. I wanna be clear about how unreasonable I think that is, while  ignoring my questionable history with sharp objects and the fact that I am fully capable of cutting off a finger with a dull knife completely on accident.

But, I have been introduced to the sander for a little DIY project. I started Saturday (or was it Friday...?), didn't lose an eye, or any fingers. Yay!
I'm fixing up a cute little cabinet for the kitchen. Well, it wasn't cute at all when it came in, it was awfully stained and gross. It really did look like something that belonged in a dumpster. Now it's all pretty. Hours of sanding, and staining, and sealing later (okay, Alpha took pity on me with the sealer and applied the first coat).
But
it needs at least one more coat of sealer. And the coat that's on it Will. Not. Friggin. Dry. To quote Alpha, "I have never, in my entire life, seen polyurethane take that long to dry."
Have I mentioned lately how terribly impatient I am?

I have worked hard on my little project. And it's looking really nice. And I really, really, really want to put it in my kitchen. Now. But it's the forever (or never dry) DIY project. I even deep cleaned my kitchen in preparation! Sigh* This is not an instant gratification project lol.

And that my friends, is the extent of my life's excitement this week. Except that I seem to have developed a wicked case of insomnia, and I'm afraid that it's making me rather more unpleasant than usual.

A meme thingy

1. The post I'm really interested in writing is still refusing to come together, so I lifted this 
2. from Sir J. It's really for Tumbler, but that's okay, right?
3.  
4. 1: What are you wearing?
• Short shorts and one of Alpha's T-shirts
5. 2: Ever been in love?
• Yes. Still am!
6. 3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
• Yes. With the man I'm married to as a matter of fact.
7. 4: How tall are you?
• The doctors tell me that I'm 5'8. Though I spent my life swearing I was 5'7
8. 5: How much do you weigh?
• A man wrote this didn't he? Bastard. 135 lb.
9. 6: Any tattoos do you want?
• I have three
10. 7: Any piercings that you want?
• Yes...It was a recent topic of discussion here
11. 8: OTP?
• Wtf is that? After further research, I would have to say Claire and Jamie from Outlander
12. 9: Favorite Show?
• Enjoying Falling Skies these days, but Walking Dead is one I just can't seem to get over.
13. 10: Favorite bands?
• Too many to list
14. 11: Something you miss?
• My dad
15. 12: Favorite song?
• Changes often
16. 13: How old are you?
• 30
17. 14: Zodiac sign?
• Pisces
18. 15: Hair Color?
• Brown
19. 16: Favorite Quote?
• Changes daily. Today it happens to be "Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you"
20. 17: Favorite singer?
• Changes as often as my favorite song
21. 18: Favorite color?
• Green
22. 19: Loud music or soft?
• Depends on my mood.
23. 20: Where do you go when you're sad?
• To my knees at my husbands feet.
24. 21: How long does it take you to shower?
• 10-20 minutes.
25. 22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
• Define "ready"
26. 23: Ever been in a physical fight?
• yes.
27. 24: Turn ons?
• In all honesty, I added the "s" to this question...Dominance, competence, confidence, honesty, self-control, a tall man with all these traits. He says I'm easy.
28. 25: Turn offs?
• I added the "s" to this one too. Whining, belligerence, poor willpower, incompetence, dishonesty.
29. 26: The reason I joined Tumblr?
• I actually do have a Tumbler account, and I created it so that I could comment un-anonymously on Tumbler blogs.
30. 27: Fears?
• Outliving Alpha or my kids.
31. 28: Last thing that made you cry?
• My mom--tears of frustration.
32. 29: Last time you cried?
• A couple of weeks agp.
33. 30: Meaning behind your url
• This is my little sanctuary to say everything I otherwise couldn't or wouldn't. I also wanted other submissives to feel comfortable an safe sharing their thoughts here.
34. 31: Last book you read?
• The Winter's Sea
35. 32: Last song you listened to?
• Something on the radio...
36. 33: Last show you watched?
• I hate to admit it...Krypto the super dog. What can I say, afternoons are the kiddo's pick.
37. 34: Last person you talked to?
• My husband.
38. 35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
• Married.
39. 36: Favorite food?
• I have a serious weakness for good chocolate.
40. 37: Place you want to visit?
• Wales.
41. 38: Last place you were?
• A few miles down the road.
42. 39: Do you have a crush?
• Certainly, but shhhh.
43. 40: Last time you kissed someone?
• Not long ago.
44. 41: Last time you were insulted and what was it?
• Last night. I find the implication that I'm wrong when I know I'm not, to be quite insulting.
45. 42: What color underwear are you wearing?
• Striped. They're really quite ugly.
46. 43: What color shirt are you wearing?
• White.
47. 44: What color bottoms are you wearing?
• Brown
48. 45: Wearing any bracelets?
• Always--two silver ones that my father made me.
49. 46: Last sport you played?
• Chess. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Run from the belt is also a valid option...
50. 47: Last song you sang?
• Something loud that was playing loud enough on the stereo for nobody to hear me.
51. 48: Last prank call you remember doing?
• Closest I got is claiming that I want a switch day where I'm in charge.
52. 49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
• Yesterday.
53. 50: Favorite movie?
• Don't have one at the moment.

Hairspray Huffing Hussy

Every hairdresser I have ever met is chop happy. I thought that I had finally come to an agreement with mine, and that the rules were clear: Only trim enough off the bottom to keep lil's hair healthy, trim the split ends all the way up, and do not do weird funky things with the bangs.
She broke all the rules. Cut off way to much, and refused to spend five minutes catching the runaway split ends, and I'm not too keen on what she did with the bangs.
I don't care what she says, four inches below the collarbones is not long. She must be huffing too much hairspray or something...

I have decided to leave her for another woman.
I'm guessing that it's against the rules to threaten to stab a hairdresser with her own scissors if she takes off more than one inch...?


In other news...

An Art Form. Again?

I swear that there's a post very similar to this floating around here already...Hopefully my thoughts have evolved somewhat. I'm not digging around in the cobwebs to find out though.

Purpose...
I have moments when I feel singularly unaccomplished.
Other times, not so much.

I don't want to just be his.
I want to be really, really, really, good at it.

I can hear eyes rolling.

Seriously though, it's like owning well-made things, or cheap plastic crap. One high quality item is better than ten poorly made items that are going to break with a little bit of use.

No one wants to be cheap plastic crap lol.

Say that slavery was a state of being, and submission was an art form that expressed said state of being (yes, I'm making this up as I go).
Hold that thought (or throw your hands up and walk away in frustration, whatever works).

There are many art forms in the world, and so many possible examples to choose from--dance, yoga, martial arts, etc.
I'm gonna go with yoga though, because it's something that I do regularly.
At first it's terribly uncomfortable. The movements feel awkward, the positions seem unnatural, and overall, it's just not incredibly enjoyable. However, over time, the way we experience it changes--we flow smoothly from one position to another, the positions feel natural, and we are truly able to experience it as an art form; not just something uncomfortable that we push through in order to reach a certain goal.

When we become an expression of the experience itself, as opposed to experiencing the activity only for what it can do for us, we have reached the point where the experience can become an art form.

In the beginning, submission felt unnatural--something forced in order to achieve a goal, a reward oriented experience where the submission was more about the goal of whatever perceived award it would incur, than about submission itself.
As time goes by, and my state of mind changes, I see submission as an art form where the goal is to please, and the reward is the knowledge that I have pleased in a way that cannot be exactly duplicated by anyone else.

At first submission is uncomfortable, like a coat that doesn't quite fit, or pants that are slightly too tight.
That changes over time. But that's because, in the context of D/s, it's a verb, not a noun--in other words, submission is an action, not an inanimate object. And the more you submit, the more naturally it flows.
I am occasionally submissive
I am his slave.
Submission is not who I am, it is simply an art form that expresses our power exchange from my side of the arrangement.
An art form that is admittedly quite inelegantly performed at at times...

Not Optional

I was doing a particularly difficult set of exercises, when much to my irritation, Alpha began playing with pestering me. I suggested that perhaps we should rethink our arrangement, and that maybe D/s was just not the right thing for us.

His response was, "Feel free to hit the road then."

See, I really can leave whenever I want!

Apparently the relationship is optional, but the D/s is not.

Go figure.

He seemed slightly disturbed by the fact that I didn't take offense at his proclamation...

August Whine

I have been working on a post for a while, and I'm starting to get frustrated because it just won't flow. Much like everything else around here lately...

Alpha and I have been doing an unusual amount of arguing, which is always great fun.

For one, we each think that the other has been dishing out too much shit, and for two, the problem with sexy, is sex.

I know that sounds unreasonable, but here's the thing--my body can't handle sex every day. And the more flirty/sexy I am, the more sex we have. And worst of all, my mind and body rarely sync up.
No doubt some of you are raising your eyebrows, "A man she can't keep up with, oh poor baby. Not."
Truth is, that's the way it has always been. I've never been able to truly sate his appetite. And the less his needs are fed, the worse we get along.

How could this possibly be an issue in a relationship where he can just take it whenever he wants? I am so glad you asked. You didn't? Oh well, the good stuff is listed over on the right.
It's an issue because apparently, unwilling is okay sometimes, but unwilling with attitude is not a huge turn-on. Who knew?

And did I mention how extremely frustrated I am about my seeming inability to lose ten pounds? Alpha asked if it had occurred to me that the weight gain is mostly muscle...It had, but I still just can't seem to get past the friggin numbers on the scale.
This has turned into something else to disagree about too--he doesn't appreciate my disregard for the fact that he thinks I am looking really good with the extra weight. This is what happens when one spends their entire life underweight and then bypasses what they think they should weigh by ten pounds, and grows out of their clothes as soon as they turn thirty.

Did I also mention that we had to buy roofing for our entire house? Yea...That shit ain't cheap.

August is one of those months that just has it out for me. It's truly unfortunate that cake is not the solution to all my woes.

Maybe now that I got my whining taken care of, I'll be able to finish that damn post I have been working on for a week. It all started going down hill when I got sucked into Maslow's hierarchy of needs...

Automatic Responses

I have spent a lot of my blogging time carefully adding phrases like, "In my opinion, I think, just my two cents, I believe, I'm not an expert, etc" and avoiding blanket statements like "this is how it works, this is why that is, this is how it's done, this is right, this is wrong, etc".
Sorry, but I think I might be over that. For the simple reason that the whole blog is about what I think, and if someone can't tell that these are just opinions, then they should really consider restricting their internet access for their own well-being.

That being said...

In the beginning of our forays into D/s, I had a terrible case of what is commonly termed "sub frenzy". Otherwise known as that god-awful state of needing everything yesterday in such a terrible way that we're lucky our Dominants don't throw us off a bridge.

In retrospect, all that "needy now now now" stuff was not only somewhat irrational, it was asking for the impossible.
Because the only way to get to certain places, is to travel to them. And that trip takes time. In fact, I like to think that the journey never ends--there are always new discoveries to be made and lessons to be learned.

One of the (many) things that takes time, is automatic responses.
Automatic responses aren't about having a thought or making a choice, they're about that moment when your will becomes his so completely that you don't even realize it.

The automatic response comes from all those previous thoughts, every little choice to submit, every second of obedience, and every moment of surrender, that leads up to the moment when his will is your own.

Much of the beauty of being alive lies in the fact that we all possess free will. Even in situations where we have absolutely no control whatsoever, we still have the free will to make little choices within those situations.

Submitting is about choosing to align our will with our Dominant's. Over, and over, and over, and over again. Until it becomes an automatic response, until we have done it so many times, that we cannot always tell where our will ends and theirs begins.

We often say that we can't leave, we can't cut our hair, we can't wear certain clothing, buy certain things, make certain decisions on our own, etc.
Technically, that isn't exactly correct. And if it is, that's not D/s--it's abuse.

More accurately, we have exercised our own free will, and have chosen to give him control. Then we repeated that choice a million times in millions of tiny ways, until we came to believe that those choices were no longer ours to make. Because we spent years aligning our will with theirs until obedience became an automatic response.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that automatic responses are like a blanket that covers everything at once--there are still many things I balk at, fight against, think twice about, question, etc. And then there are times and events when there is no act of choosing, no concept of my own free will, and no thought whatsoever. Just automatic responses to his exertion of will.

This moment always makes me weak in the knees...

Yea...This whole spiel was inspired by a very non-D/s moment as I was squatting up on scaffolding--he was cutting a board extremely close to my feet and told me not to look. My eyes instantly closed. He laughed and said he loved me. In retrospect, I do wonder if he was joking about not looking...