Sunday, March 13, 2011

The need to please

Last night Alpha decided to make hot chocolate. You know, the kind that actually requires combining ingredients and (apparently) following a certain process. Now, unless I have just stumbled in from work, it's very difficult for me to keep out of it when He's doing something in the kitchen. Maybe that's because I think it's my job, maybe because I think it's my kitchen, maybe I just feel bad that He's doing something when He doesn't have to. Either way, I decided to help.
Ahem, it was less than successful. Since I was standing there holding a gallon of milk in anticipation He sighed at me and said He would need four cups of milk after it boiled for two minutes. I would swear the "after it boils for two minutes" was silent. And I proceeded to add the milk. He glared at me. "I said After it boils for two minutes. Now it's not going to come out right. You don't listen." Now, I have gotten used to the fact that fighting is no fun any more. It's just not, He glowers, I cry, no entertainment value whatsoever. I was, however, not prepared for the sudden urge to cry at His extremely displeased reaction. So I'm standing in the kitchen, staring at the floor and thinking "wtf?!!!! This is NOT the kind of crap you cry about." Naturally, I tried to slink away and hide my completely unnatural and personally irritating reaction. Of course, Mr. friggin bat radar was having none of it. Though He did quit glaring long enough to point out that, while He wasn't pleased, it also wasn't the end of the world.
Later, lying in bed, I told Him that it really bothered me that I was o upset over His displeasure. He told me it was actually a good thing. That I was moving beyond the stage where pleasing Him was simply a want, to a place where it had become a need. And that was as it should be.

Personally, I think it sucks. But I'm still foaming at the mouth over other shit, so what do I know lol.


  1. The past week i've been - or I guess - we've been - working through the same things. My need to please, and my completely surprising responses when I fail, are scaring me. I feel it - i can't deny it or even say I wish i felt differently. It feels right to feel this need to please. But there's an undercurrent of disdain coming from some recess of my psyche for the person I apparently am.

  2. Ladies,
    I can sympathize with both of a sub who is always striving for perfect pleasing behavior. I can assure you it does get better, and do laugh at yourselves as well...No one, not even our Masters..are perfect.

  3. I was on the verge of tears yesterday just because of the threat of his displeasure. It happens so naturally that I don't try to hide it from him, he knows how upset I get when I feel like I've disappointed him. It certainly is different now that I am so fully involved in a relationship that really means something to me.

  4. greengirl,
    I think we all feel that undercurrent of disdain at some point or other. I wonder if it has something to do with always hearing how we Should be from the outside world?
    Emily, if He was perfect, I would be shit out of luck lol.
    Gray, it does seem like the further in we go, the more his pleasure matters. There's no punishment quite as bad as disappointment.

  5. That moment when you know they are displeased and you feel like your world is horrid...and somehow the tears just well up.

    Hope the hot chocolate made you feel better :)

  6. hidden slave,
    The hot chocolate did make me feel better thank you (for a minute, I thought I wasn't going to get any lol).

  7. Sometimes the hardest feeling to endure is that of displeasing my Master. ESPECIALLY when you don't see it coming. It's like the damn floor drops out from underneath you and your reaction is uncontrollable. Even though it's an uncomfortable feeling at best, your Alpha saw your reaction as a positive one. Try to take comfort in that and don't beat yourself up for the tears :)

  8. miss,
    Yea, it's one thing when you see it coming. Not quite so easy to deal with when the floor turns from stable to gaping hole within a matter of seconds lol.


Play nice.