Thursday, March 24, 2011

Powerful Experiences

I was going to say that I feel ten years younger. But I'm far to tired and achy to be eighteen again, so I'll settle for five years younger.
 I held out the glass of awful icky liquid, "take another gulp." He glared at me, "you're a mean cruel horrible wretched bitch!" I grinned back in agreement and offered the suggestion that for every drink He took, we could work our way alphabetically through five of the nasty rude names He wanted to call me (in all fairness, that test prep crap really was the most awful tasting stuff ever and the taste seemed to be the least of it's drawbacks). He opted out of doing it in alphabetical order.
In the end, the tests were done and everything came back good. In my personal opinion, any doctor that bounces into a room and suggests that you have some horrible incurable disease and he just needs a couple of tests to confirm his theory, should be lynched. I wanted to send the man hate mail for freaking the ever living shit out of me. But it doesn't matter what he thought. Because he was wrong. And Alpha is going to be fine. My world's okay. Because no matter how far the sky falls, as long as He's there, it doesn't matter what life decides to throw out. We're still in heaps of debt, my job still sucks, family is still a pain in the ass. But I think that I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. Because when it comes right down to the bare realities of existence and life--none of that really matters.

I have been thinking about powerful experiences.
I think that the most powerful experiences in life are the ones that are capable of bringing us the most intense feeling and emotions from opposite ends of the spectrum. They are the ones that bring us the greatest joy and offer the largest capacity for sadness. Kind of like a pleasure/pain paradigm. Love is similar. It is one of the most powerful experiences we will have in our time line between the experiences of birth and death.

Alpha and I used to occasionally debate whether it was better to have loved and lost or never loved at all. I took the stance that it was better to have never loved at all and He vehemently disagreed. After months of ruminating on the topic, I have come to the conclusion that, when we fall in love, whether it is a conscious decision or not, we have decided that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. We accept that it offers a paradigm of opposites. And if we are lucky, we don't experience loss to great extremes, but if we do, it is worth it because we will have known one of the most powerful experiences of humankind.

My back's out again and I feel like crap. But I am happier than I have been in ages. Because the love around which my world revolves, is going to be with me for a very long time. And it is worth every bit of risk to live one of the most powerful experiences of all--love.


  1. I don't have words, I'm just nodding in agreement and smiling for you.


  2. ***monkey jumps to her feet, clapping and shouting****

    I am SO glad for you, lil. I can feel the relief in your voice. I'm glad for both of you.

  3. Oh I am so happy for you both. What good news.

  4. So glad it was good news!!! (((hugs)))

  5. Glad he's okay... that must have been so stressful.



  6. Thank you all for the sweet comments! And I feel a million times better. I knew it was stressing me out. I just hadn't quite realized how the worry was permeating my life so completely.


Play nice.