Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The last freakin straw...again....and...again...and again

 I'll be staying with my mom for the rest of the week because my car took a shit again. I have a post set to auto post tomorrow. Maybe it will work lol. There's a dark cloud for every silver lining. And since I'm concentrating on the cloud right now, I think it would be a good time for a little peek at the silver lining--I'll get to do another review. It might be of a benign nice little thing since I had to pick a couple of options. But what did I swear up and down was my all out favorite option? A cute little item that is far from benign and has me thinking that I'm a bit of an idiot because, after all, I am a masochistic wuss. Lol.
Now for that dark cloud...

I tend to be rather proud of the fact that I don't give up. Sure, I bitch and worry, I do my share of complaining, and yes, sometimes I whine; though I find it an unattractive trait so I try to avoid it lol. But I don't give up. I buckle down and do what needs to be done.

I really want rather badly to give up. Say that I just "can't" anymore and fade on out. Because sometimes it's all too much. My little pile of straw has become a mountain and the last straw keeps falling...over...and....over again.

Last night we had sex for what seems like the first time in ages. I promptly dissolved into a teary eyed puddle of mush afterward. When Alpha asked me what was wrong, I told Him I just couldn't do it anymore. He asked what I couldn't do anymore and what exactly I thought the alternative was to hanging in there and informed me that giving up just wasn't an option. My answer was life. It's just a bit too fucking much ya' know? And the alternative, well, fuck me--I guess there isn't one. I ain't jumping off a bridge or some shit lol. That's for the weak and pathetic. And while I may occasionally feel that way, I refuse to be it. Because that's not who I am.
While we were talking, He raised an eyebrow at me and said that it's a bit of a blow to the ego--to fuck someone and have the result be tears. I think He was trying for a touch of levity. Because He knows me, and He knows that a bit of humor and a verbal challenge regarding my abilities is generally enough to make me scrape my shit back together and truck on. But this time? I just wanted to give up. Even if for only an hour.

Part of me knows it's not fair. Because the sky keeps falling on His head too. And He's stood by my side and watched the last straw drop over and over again. The other part of me? Wants to simply say, I can't do this anymore and give up. And I wonder, when exactly did giving up become something that wasn't an option?

Because it sure sounds damn good some days lol.

Sympathy is not needed. Cynical, humorous, and somewhat smarmy comments are welcome.



  1. Misery loves company? All I can tell you is that I find a bit of comfort in hearing somebody else who prides themself on not giving up admitting that its' damn hard to not give up right now.

    I feel the same. And it's tough. I know you said no sympathy - but this isn't sympathy, it's good wishes - I hope that your mountain starts to become a pile of straw soon again.


  2. Hugs to you, I am sorry things are not going your way.

  3. emilie, Ooh, yes, misery is so much more enjoyable with company lol. And the mountain versus pile of straw? I think that most of it is about perspective and my perspective is pretty good today, so I'll take it and play in the hay for no lol.

    thesubmissivebf, I'm getting used to it lol. When I was a kid, I was under the mistaken impression that being an adult meant I would get my way more often. Enter being a grown up and D/s...pfft, getting my way, lmao.


Play nice.