So I have been feeling exceptionally not submissive lately. Alpha calls it "upwardly mobile," well, that's the nice term lol. I really do wish I had a better grasp on my own mental state. Meh.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.
I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I'm...off. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.