Monday, April 11, 2011


So I have been feeling exceptionally not submissive lately. Alpha calls it "upwardly mobile," well, that's the nice term lol. I really do wish I had a better grasp on my own mental state. Meh.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.

I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I' And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting  a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.


  1. Based on everything you've written here so far - it seems that he will rein you back in and he will manage the right way at the right time. Good luck with the jobs and decisions - that's agonizing.

  2. lil,

    It's hard figuring out how to turn back on after being off for a bit. But it sounds like it would be good for you if you could, with all the pressure and decisions you are working through. Good luck with all that.


  3. lil,having just been through s similar bunch of feelings, i am sure he knows you well enough to be able to gauge it all, hang on in there, keep smiling.Sending hugs.

  4. I am a new sub, so I am not qualified to pass on any advice on the matter, BUT...I do know the cycle of life is ever changing, so things will not stay this way for long...Winter never fails to turn into Spring, so hang in there and try not to fight the feelings you're having...suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard both as part of living life :)

    --kitten for Sir

  5. greengirl, yes, consider me reined in lol.

    serenity, it is difficult going back and forth like that isn't it? But your right, it does help tremendously to be "on."

    hidden slave, I will/am. And thank you for the sweet thoughts.

    kitten for Sir, Well, qualifications are mutable, especially in D/s. Some newbies seem to put a lot more thought and wisdom into what they say than many people who claim to be "experienced." And if life had no cycles, it would be pretty boring wouldn't it? Not to mention, a world without Winter is one with no Spring growth.
    Thank you for your comment (quite nicely said I might add), and welcome to my crazy little corner.


Play nice.