I had a nice little post put together this morning that would have probably been sufficient to convince most of my readers that I am capable of (if not deserving), and mean enough, to have my very own mafia. Lol, yes, it was nastier than this. It really is possible.
The truth is, my fantasies of late have not been those deep dark dirty sexual things that you don't want to admit to anyone, they have been more in the vein of "you screwed me over and my life is disintegrating so I am going to break your legs and feel better afterword."
Anger is better than sorrow. It's easier than sadness, more pure than fear, more tangible and malleable than than misery. I have a mean bark, but I don't usually bite. And I'm thinking, I don't want to bark anymore. I would much rather just bite. Anger is an easy emotion. One that I have spent a fair amount of time indulging. But it's not really constructive (see, if I keep telling myself that, perhaps I will be less attached to my base emotions lol).
And the thing is, without Alpha and the boys, with a little more damage to myself, I could have been a psychotic little bitch, the one who takes a baseball bat to someone's car in heartbeat, the one who points out that there's still one knee left and wouldn't it be nice to keep it. The one who gets used and abused until there's nothing left besides the anger that makes it possible to be that person.
Why? Because, well, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure that they will get their legs broken as a result.
I like to think that what goes around comes around. My sister gave me food last month when we desperately needed it. Next week, I'll give the attendant who works under me a bag of groceries from my cupboards because he hasn't been able to buy food in weeks. So in a small sense, I'm giving back what I have been given right? You know, take a good deed and keep it going kind of crap.
But what about the other deeds? The ones that happen in a world where no matter how hard you work or how much you try, you can't keep your head above the water and you watch all the people who sunk your little boat swim to shore?
Before my dad died he told me that I inspired him. To go out in the world because I would inspire people by being who I am. That he appreciated how I was the kind of person who just did what needed to be done. No anger. No fear. No emotion. But it's hard to get there you know. Perhaps easier in the midst of crisis, but overall? It's not an easy thing to leave those base emotions behind.
Because, after all, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure they will get their legs broken as a result.
I guess I can give up on getting that submissive award this month lol.