Saturday, April 2, 2011

Repressing rabidity--rant

I had a nice little post put together this morning that would have probably been sufficient to convince most of my readers that I am capable of (if not deserving), and mean enough, to have my very own mafia. Lol, yes, it was nastier than this. It really is possible.
The truth is, my fantasies of late have not been those deep dark dirty sexual things that you don't want to admit to anyone, they have been more in the vein of "you screwed me over and my life is disintegrating so I am going to break your legs and feel better afterword."

Anger is better than sorrow. It's easier than sadness, more pure than fear, more tangible and malleable than than misery. I have a mean bark, but I don't usually bite. And I'm thinking, I don't want to bark anymore. I would much rather just bite. Anger is an easy emotion. One that I have spent a fair amount of time indulging. But it's not really constructive (see, if I keep telling myself that, perhaps I will be less attached to my base emotions lol).

And the thing is, without Alpha and the boys, with a little more damage to myself, I could have been a psychotic little bitch, the one who takes a baseball bat to someone's car in heartbeat, the one who points out that there's still one knee left and wouldn't it be nice to keep it. The one who gets used and abused until there's nothing left besides the anger that makes it possible to be that person.
Why? Because, well, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure that they will get their legs broken as a result.

I like to think that what goes around comes around. My sister gave me food last month when we desperately needed it. Next week, I'll give the attendant who works under me a bag of groceries from my cupboards because he hasn't been able to buy food in weeks. So in a small sense, I'm giving back what I have been given right? You know, take a good deed and keep it going kind of crap.
But what about the other deeds? The ones that happen in a world where no matter how hard you work or how much you try, you can't keep your head above the water and you watch all the people who sunk your little boat swim to shore?

Before my dad died he told me that I inspired him. To go out in the world because I would inspire people by being who I am. That he appreciated how I was the kind of person who just did what needed to be done. No anger. No fear. No emotion. But it's hard to get there you know. Perhaps easier in the midst of crisis, but overall? It's not an easy thing to leave those base emotions behind.

Because, after all, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure they will get their legs broken as a result.

I guess I can give up on getting that submissive award this month lol.


  1. Hey, I think we all have those fantasies sometimes. Personally, I won't deny you a submissive award for them. :P

  2. Is there anyone in this world not in financial stress?

    I vote for breaking their legs if they are!

  3. If you ever read back in some of my earlier posts, you will know that I am intimately acquainted with the emotion of anger. It has kept me company for most of my life. A tiny bit can be a useful tool. Too much, and it begins to corrode you away.

    oh, and Lil? a few leg breaking fantasies here and there don't disqualify you from this months good subbie award, as long as the fantasy legs you are breaking don't belong to Alpha ;D

  4. And this is why I won't carry either of my handguns with me. They stay locked up in the safe unless W/we're going to the range to shoot the paper targets. :) I just don't trust myself to keep my cool if pushed too hard.

    OK, well I don't actually think I would ever really shoot someone (unless they were threatening my safety) but there's that little voice in the back of my mind that knows I COULD snap. There have been times I've been enraged past the point of reason. And that's enough to make me keep the weapons locked up. My tongue is weapon enough most of the time.


  5. zelda, and here I thought I was alone with my fantasies. Nice to know I still have a chance at that award...As long as I don't break it lol.

    Mindset, LMAO. I don't begrudge anyone doing well, I have had enough people be like that when we were doing better. I do begrudge the ones who are doing well because they screwed us though. So yes, it's all about the legs lol.

    little, well it looks like I'm still in the running for that award then. Alpha is not on the leg breaking list so I guess I'm good lol.

    Tapestry, lol. I guess it's one of the rules that just didn't make the list when I posted them--gun goes in the car with whenever I leave the house. Interestingly, I don't really tend to think about shooting people...My recent fantasies have been fairly concentrated on use of the baton my son bought me for my birthday. I'll never tell him though lol.

  6. lil, anger is so good...oh the times I have imagined driving my car at certain people, burying them in sand and concrete, You are right about things going around and coming back to bite on the bum.
    I suggest you spend an hour blowing up balloons and the put hem in a small room and spend about 10 minutes hitting them all as hard as you can.
    Not only will be be completely knackered from all the blowing, but you will feel sooooooo good. And if you get a marker pen and draw pictures on them or write names on them its even better. I used to do it when the kids were small.

  7. hidden slave,
    lol, the balloons are a great idea. I'll have to reserve that for a day that my head doesn't feel as if it's about to pop like one lol.


Play nice.