Monday, April 25, 2011


If ttwd has taught me anything, it's that repression rarely has a good outcome. Not in the sense of being controlled by another--that's not repression when you have a healthy relationship, that's D/s lol.
Just repression of who you are and things you do. Circumstances have largely dictated our actions lately, and it's been rather a downer for us both. Alpha spends most of His time with the kids, I spend most of my time at work, we meet somewhere in the middle, and we never seem to go anywhere or do anything. Babysitting is an issue since I can't justify having a night or day to do whatever we want by leaving the kids with my sil--due to the volatile and unhealthy state of her current relationship.
I can't honestly remember the last time I dressed up (or under as the case may be, ahem) and went somewhere with just Alpha. I have a pretty nice figure, and honestly, I miss occasionally showcasing it lol. For work I cover up as much skin as possible and I come home tired, irritable, completely non-sexual, and covered with filth from someone else's house.

I miss...feeling sexy. And I think that impacts my sex drive, how I view submission, and my overall outlook about myself and life in general.

I want a pack of good razors that doesn't leave me covered in bumps. I want a day and night out with just Alpha. I want to, just for that time, be irresponsible and enjoy being myself. Alpha needs it too. I can see it in His overall outlook about life--He's usually upbeat and optimistic but these days He's trying to steal the cynical and slightly depressed corner which I have been able to successfully own for our entire relationship (hey, I did say that I liked being good at what I do lol).

Mmmm, this post is sounding a bit whiny, which was not the intent. And since I'm not a big fan of whining (bitching is at least somewhat respectable lol), I'll change my tangent a bit.

Back to repression.

Repression leads to unhealthy explosions. It's like a fire that has caught but been damped down--as soon as you open the damper, the whole thing goes up in flames. Whether it be sexual desires, things we want to do in life (short of the whole leg breaking bit, but repressing that Does tend to make one a bit angsty), things we wished we had said, roads not taken, etc.
Just because you lock something down, does not mean that it goes away. It's kind of like an infection (yes, this is going to be a super pleasant analogy lol), it doesn't just go away on it's own. It festers and eventually has to come to the surface or it poisons you from the inside out (I'm pretty sure I'm not whining anymore. Dark musings maybe?).

We are undoubtedly the responsible ones in our family. And you know what? I am so tired of being responsible that it's beyond ridiculous. Alpha is too. And it leads to little shit that fucks up big shit.

Speaking of repression, Alpha's birthday is coming up in the next few months, and I never did find a girl. I don't want Him repressing His desires any more than I wish to repress mine. So maybe this year, He'll find Himself one...And one way or another, I'll probably have enough blog fodder to last me for a month lol.

The long and short of it is: repression is unhealthy and something has got to give sometime.


  1. Ah, Lil. Your version of whiny has an edge to it. I don't mind your whiny.

    From one responsible adult to another, I'd watch your kids for you if I could. I'd beg, borrow, or steal to get a night alone with W right now. I sicerely hope it gets better for you soon.

  2. Littlemonkey, Ooh, my hero. At this point, if I had gas money, I would be willing to travel across the country for babysitting lol.
    Beg, borrow, or steal...I did have the passing thought that if I put sil's boyfriend in the hospital her house would then become a place I could leave my kids lol.

    turiya, yea, repression sounds better than it works eh?


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