Darkest Nights

In my darkest nights

you have been by my side

as I sat and cried.

Through the tears and the fights

the pain and the fears

through all these years.

In my darkest nights you have sat by my side

as ones we loved have died

and those we nurtured lied.

As we sat through deaths final watch

and returned to earth that which brought me life.

On my darkest days you freely entered the fray.

To save me from myself and what I could have become.

You are truly my One.

Never forgetting what we have come from

when everything seems undone.

In my darkest nights

with you by my side

your lips on my head

your hands in my hair

your arms wrapped around me

you have been there.

In my darkest nights

you are the light that guides

forever by my side.

Even as I kneel at your feet

you lift me up that I might see

all of the things life could be.

In my darkest night

you are my light just within sight

the One constellation
always guiding me

home.

Never to be alone.

Eyes Wide Open?

I am usually a sex-with-eyes-closed kind of girl. Unless he makes me look at him. Last night there was no command to make eye contact. But at some point I opened my eyes and looked at him...And I couldn't look away.

Is it odd to have a rolling loop going through your head while having sex? Something along the lines of, ahem, "omg, I'm going to cum from the look in his eyes and he could break my neck with one little twist but he won't". Okay, so the repetitive thought probably not odd. That particular one? Maybe lol.

Alpha has very dark eyes with eyelashes that most women (me included) envy. And when they get that calculating curious look under the "you are Mine!" stare...To say it makes me weak in the knees would be an understatement.

The Nature of Dominance, Submission, and Being Human

With one of my usual insane leaps of thought, I started thinking about one's nature after a comment on one of my posts a while back.

Part of my nature...Who I am.

I think that when we talk about things that are in people's nature, we're really saying, this is something that is an inherent part of this person. It is something that can be adapted and modified by learning and circumstance; however, it will remain a fundamental aspect of who they are as a human being.

Ttwd has taught me a lot about my nature. Not all of them things I am pleased to admit. And I think that people sometimes go to great lengths to hide who they really are, to deny that which is indeed...In their nature.

Submission has always been in my nature. And yes, there's a raging pit bull in there. And to this day, it too is part of my nature. Simply because the first basic rule of living is survival.

One's true nature can be nurtured or repressed, it can be denied and hidden, it can be lied about and left in the shadows of who we say we are. But it isn't really going to change.

I get a fair amount of hits off the search "how to make my husband Dominant." It makes me smile because there was a day that search might have been mine. And I wonder if these women find anything useful here or if they meander back onto the web in disillusionment.

The truth is, you cannot make someone Dominant. Just as you cannot make someone submissive. You can encourage it, you can be the inspiration for light bulb moments of realization. But you simply will never be able to make somebody into something they are not.

Domination can be learned.
Dominance is part of one's nature.

Submission can be learned.
Being a submissive is part of one's nature.

I think that many of the issues we encounter in life come from our attempts to change the inherent nature of the people around us. And conversely, from our own denial about who and what we really are--our attempts to deny our own nature.

And yes, I am obviously one of those who is working on accepting their own nature.

My Everything

There is something interesting that happens when he gets mad at me. It's not the pathetic sense of impending doom, or the slight panic of having pushed it just a it too far, or the downright depression at disappointing.

It's the reinforcement of the fact that we are individuals of equal value on unequal footing.
It creates a space between us. I'm not really a fan of there being space between us. But sometimes, without that space, it's easy to forget our places as separate beings.

Being reminded of that reinforces the love I have for him. I love him not just for us, but for himself. For who he was, is, and will be.
With closeness comes comfort and familiarity. When the space between appears, it reminds me that nothing in this life is written in stone. That he is Master and I am slave. That some things will never be negotiable.

That he is my everything.

When he is no longer angry, and he looks down at me with that bittersweet look of disappointment, my knees melt. And I know that I am willing to do anything to please, anything to incur a sense of pride from him. Anything to keep the love he gives me.

Because when all is right between us? The sky really could fall. And it would be okay. Because he is my rock, the solid ground beneath my feet, the wind under my wings, my oasis in the desert.

My everything.

Sometimes it takes that space between us to remind me of just how green and gorgeous the grass is on my side of the fence.

Those Other Moments

He didn't lose it...He just snapped at me and stormed off to the chair. Honestly, I sometimes miss the days when I just went tit for tat with him. Now? When he's angry I'm just pathetic. And it annoys the shit out of me.

It all started over my a cigarette. Well more accurately, it had started in the morning over coffee (see a running theme surrounding my addictions here?)

He said he was tired of me and my "mine." And me? I said pretty much nothing.
He informed me that he doesn't get the response he wants when he talks or suggests. But he's also not happy with the results when he snaps at me--he doesn't like it when I'm all down and brokeded. Ooh, whatdya know, spell check still works. And I have every intention of ignoring it.

Something horrid and strange happens when he's angry with me. Something that, before our D/s dynamic, would have been unheard of in any but the most knock-down drag-out fights. And at that, only in the remorseful stage that comes after you know that things have gone way to far.
In short, I feel. Absolutely. Awful. Like the sky has fallen and I'm the only one who knows it, kind of awful. And I hate it.

My lead is just long enough to choke myself with. Always has been.

This morning I told him I didn't think he liked me much. He said he likes me plenty. "I like you lots. I look up to you. my little sub." He went on to say that the life we have is what he always dreamed of.

We have taken to very much living the simple life (we just added chickens to our menagerie. I must be nuts). Oddly enough, it's the life he yearned for and the life I yearned to get away from. I accept the fact that this way and place is my life. And for the most part, I'm happy with it because that life is with him.

My dad always said "if you were in paradise, would you even know it?" And I think that most people don't. Because we are often too busy looking at the things that are not what we wanted to see the wonder in front of our faces.

It really wouldn't matter what or where my life was if he wasn't in it. Nowhere in this world would be home for me without him.

I have comments to respond to...But Blogger is being a bitch. So maybe it will decide to let me comment on my own blog later.

And did I mention that there are days I want to, (literally) throw my kid into the public school system and be done with this homeschooling shit?

My kids think they are heathens, my dogs think they are wolves, my cats think they are dogs, the wolves think they are lap dogs, and the chickens are sure that they are really cats in disguise.
You know, that sentence explains a lot about my life lol.

These Are The Moments...

Standing in the shower last night, with my head on his chest and the water streaming over us, my garden induced delirium led to a serious appreciation for the little things.

It's not just those moments of mind blowing acquiescence, or the times of soul shattering control and surrender that makes our relationship what it is.

It's those tiny moments in time, with my head on his chest and the water pouring over us, those days standing in a huge patch of dirt and slowly working it into food for the year.
It's the way he kisses my forehead before I leave for work, the tone in his voice when he tells me I'm a good girl, the weakness in my knees when he states quietly and without doubt that I am his and his alone.
It's the look in his eyes when he says he enjoys my company (yea, whore at heart. One, "I enjoy your company" gets me out in that garden faster than ten, "I wish you would get your ass out here").

These are the moments that make everything else possible.

They are the foundation that holds up the framework for our exchange of power. They are the solid ground beneath our feet when the world shakes us to our cores.

These are the moments easily taken for granted, the ones I cannot live without, the ones that make this crazy life the beautiful experience it can be.

Because they are our moments.

Thinking Out Loud

The thing that I love about hitting publish on my blog, is that it makes the thoughts floating in my head solid. It gives them a form and shape which makes them easier to examine and understand. Often, by the time my next post goes up, my perspective on the previous one has changed.

Sometimes I think I read as unhappy, when really I'm just...Thinking out loud. Well, I am not happy about blogger lol, but everything else? Just because it can be difficult, doesn't mean it's not good.

And boy did I have some great thoughts last night before I went to sleep...They stayed somewhere out there in dreamland though.

One of the things I love about Alpha is that everything has a purpose. Sure, there are plenty of, "because I can" or, "just because I want to," but hey, I'm pretty sure I would do that too given a chance to run things around here lol.

The proactive approach to anything has never been my strong point. But I don't think that submission is necessarily by nature, a passive experience.

He is making me look at things from the perspective of him not being the only one who has to work at this. And that seems fair. Especially given that I might be am quite a lot of work lol.

This whole approach he's got going on, the one I'm having a difficult time adapting to? It makes me put a lot more thought into this whole power exchange thing. It makes me ask for what I want and admit to what I need.
Oh the horror of it all!

I need his Dominance. And that need requires that I submit.
He's right that he shouldn't have to fight me for something I want to give.

And punishment? In a way, it is kind of an absolution. Without it...I tend to spend a lot more time thinking about what I did or didn't do wrong. Not sure I like it lol. But it does make me want to be good.
And he knows that eventually, I will come crawling and ask for that absolution. Or, i could just be a good girl...

He knows what I need. And he needs for me to admit to it before making it reality.

The man knows me so well, it's almost disturbing.

He has no desire to drag me down the rabbit hole. He wants to see me jump in.
And he has always been there to catch me before I hit bottom.

A Short Rant and Other Randomness

"Blogger has a new look! Introducing the completely new, streamlined blogging experience that makes it easier for you to find what you need and focus on writing great blog posts." This is what my (I assume), dashboard said to me yesterday.

Sure, I would have loved to focus on my post...If I could find it. After attempting to find said post, and searching for the blogs I follow, and switching back to the previous version several times (which blogger so kindly switches right back to "new and improved!"), I think I finally got it to stay the way I want to.

Apparently, I'm a computer illiterate control freak who doesn't adapt well to change. And happens to write a blog revolving around D/s.
Go figure.

Finally, it did what I wanted and everything looks neat and tidy again, so on to other ramblings...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a realization about my anxieties in giving in and going deeper into D/s--that I will dive and he won't be there to catch me because he doesn't want to swim that deep.

After all, which is worse, staying in the shallows and being accepted, or leaping into the deep end and being rejected?
Not that he has given any indication that such a thing would happen...

I wonder if my reoccurring headaches are actually  due to over thinking lol.

But I think that this realization has merit for me. Because it helps me to see things more clearly. Anxieties cannot be gotten rid of if you don't, at least to some extent, understand them.

He has taken an approach lately that has been difficult for me...It requires me to be much more proactive, enforce the rules I have upon myself, ask for what I want, come to him with my submission, and it seems, to punish myself for my transgressions.

And it makes me ask, if these things matter to him--whether I obey or not, whether I forget to do as I should or not, whether I submit or not.
He says they do matter to him. And I believe what he tells me. So why is it so difficult?

I understand his motivation in that he has told me he doesn't have time to keep me in line, and that I just need to be a good girl.
Logically, it makes plenty of sense. In lil-mind? It got automatically translated to, "I don't think it's/you're worth my time."

Uh huh, my interpretive skills might be lacking. Just a bit.

Called Out On "Could It Be"

Alright, so I was going pretty strong with my rambling last post. Then I quit for coffee before asking the hard questions, and the lovely gg called me on it.

The answer to could it be that my submission runs deeper than I thought, is yes. It does.

So "what if" could be narrowed down and defined more closely as, what does that mean, for him, for me, for us? Does the acknowledgement of, or the fact itself, change anything?

Though I dunno...The what ifs, those are always the scary questions in life right?

Omgoodness, I'm already having a hard time making sense. The temptation to run away for coffee is strong...Unfortunately, I'm already on my second cup. Well, I do have other things that need doing...

Okay, okay.

I'm going to go at it backwards. As usual.

Acknowledgement of the fact and the fact itself don't really change anything for Alpha. Because well, he's been saying it for a while now.
For me? Acknowledgement is not quite the same as acceptance.

Because accepting the depth of my submission means yielding, surrender on bended knee, resignation. Letting the river carry me away and counting on him to build the dams where they belong, bank the edges before they burst, pull me out or dive in with me before the falls. Because I must accept that he will be my boat when I sink.

Admitting and accepting...That means giving him more control than he already has.

It is, as usual, a question of self acceptance more than anything else.
It means that while one can evolve, adapt, change, and grow, one cannot ever really change their true nature.
And I am left wondering, why want to do so?

It means that I am willing to go or not go to perverted extremes at his behest, that I am willing to give him all the control he wishes to have, that I will never feel completely "right" wading in the shallows.

It means that wherever he wishes to lead I will follow. Because the waters run deep, and neither of us knows completely the depths of my submission until we swim through it. That with him, I could swim into the depths of enslavement and be...Happy.

It means accepting myself for what I am. One cannot truly repress or change their true nature.
And the conflicts that arise when one tries to, those are the self-created issues that one is better off without.

And because I am seriously distracted and wondering if I'll ever truly complete this thought process...

Alpha has, unfortunately, decided that what I wants, I must ask for (totally inhumane right?), and I must admit, I'm feeling pretty pliant and submissive at this point. Though I haven't said anything. Irony much?

He said that I give him cock sucking eyes. My response was absolutely brilliant! "I don't have eyes thankyouverymuch!" Uh huh. The stupid thing is, I can feel them glazing over. And I drool.
For fuck's sake...

Could it Be?

A comment from faerie on one of my last posts got me to thinking...Dammit lol.

Anyways, she asked "could it be that your submission is a little deeper than you thought?" Well hmm, I hadn't really thought about that. I know right, there are still things left that I haven't thought about?!

And I think it's because I try not to. Because it's a little bit scary when I pull back the lid and look inside--at the depths of submission.

It's there inside of me. Like a swirling pool who's depths you can never quite see because it goes so far down. And I spent a lot of my life trying to fill it in with other things, to cover it up and dam it so that it would just go away. But it never did.
Much like springs that run underground, it continued growing stronger underneath the surface and forging it's own path through the earth to rise randomly to the surface following the path of least resistance.

Submission is a part of who I am. And it's easy to get carried away on whatever path it may take. Then  comes along and starts working the edges. Slowly changing the direction and rate of flow into a place and direction he wants it to go.

It is possible to kill a spring. But more often than not, they simply retreat under the earth out of which they came. Alive and unseen.
Yea, ttwd really is like water.

I guess what scares me is not being able to see the bottom. The fact that perhaps it could be more like a rushing river than a peaceful spring or a quiet pool--it's easy to get swept away in the rapids.

Knowing that my submission might really run deeper than I thought...Well...I need more coffee. Because I doubt I'm making much sense.

Fixing That Which Is Not Broken

I took a nap today. For the first time in ages. And now I remember why I really don't like them--because I woke up feeling like a rather sick slug lol.

But as I was drifting off, I was musing about how I like it when my inspiration flows consistently. Then I started thinking about how sometimes I get stuck in negative inspiration, which naturally (or not so naturally), led to thoughts about trying to fix what's not broken.

I think that, as humans, we have a tendency to want to fix that which is broken. But what happens when we try to fix something that isn't broken?
We generally screw it up.

Things work the way they do for a reason. Ecosystems, machines, people, relationships--when they are functioning well, every part moves as it should in conjunction with the whole. Everything is as it should be.
But when we start to tinker and prod, to attempt fixing that which isn't broken, we take something that is okay and throw it off balance.
Things no longer work in conjunction as they should.

Because we have been trying to fix something that didn't need fixing in the first place.

I think that I do that too much with the D/s aspect of our relationship. And all it does is throw a wrench in the works.

And sometimes, it's just very difficult to see the perfection that is right there in front of you when you are too busy trying to fix things. Because you're so busy trying to fix it, you didn't stop to realize that nothing really needed fixing.

Contrite

Oy, I just love coming to my blog and starting off with "well, I was being a bitch..."

Yea...It is what it is though right?

Sometimes this whole submission thing seems so easy and natural--there is a flow and order, everything as it should be, and things just feel...Right. Other times? Not so much.

I was ridiculously tired yesterday. And for a good part of it, I was also hungry. My not so secret secret that my entire family knows, is that I can be absolutely awful when I'm hungry. I get this irrational sense of irritation that just pours out whether I want it to or not.

Unfortunately, yesterday was also  big day--Up at five to go to kiddo's first soccer game of the year, down to the city for food shopping, and over to a lovely little venue with the kids to see a band that Alpha and I really enjoy.
Of course, the band started three hours behind schedule. And while Alpha had made sure I ate earlier, he couldn't magically make me not tired. And I got cranky and regressed to modes of behavior that I'm pretty sure I haven't really exhibited in years.

You guessed it, modes of behavior that make him grit his teeth and growl. So we had a little spate because really, I wanted to go home and go to sleep and home was hours away.

Of course, while I can have moments of regression in behavior, things really have changed since those early days in our relationship. So when he got mad, I was instantly not mad. In fact quite the opposite. I was contrite and sorry. Really really sorry.

But that doesn't magically make it better. Geez, why not?

All in all, it was a nice evening, and I can't go back and make myself un-pissy (like my liberties with the written word? My English teacher would kill me if she read some of the grammatical errors that spew out of my brain here).

The thing is...We are getting along fine today. He's a bit cold, but plenty nice.

And I still feel contrite. Possibly even more so.
Wtf?

I'll be under my rock...

This whole business of being a responsible adult? Yea, I got a head start on it way to soon. I'm ready for regression lol.
Alpha dislocated his shoulder again, soccer starts today, my mom (who has no health coverage whatsoever), flippantly announced to me that she felt like she was having a heart attack the other night, the garden is in that major stage of row-making and planting, thing1 seems to have disappeared, and I gots to get my butt to work.

Now wherever has that rock with my pillow under it gone off to?

The Humiliating Complexities of Humility

Humiliation is one of those murky areas where the waters get a bit darker isn't it? Because we aren't really talking about the physical things that can induce a psychological state, but the results of those actions--what happens in a person's mind.
And it is an extremely subjective experience--some people are unfazed by it, others are damaged, and a few get off on it.
My trauma might be a cake walk for someone else. My good night might be trauma for another.

I think that it is a lot easier to avoid damaging someones body than it is to avoid damaging their mind.
I don't really have a perspective on humiliation from the inflicting side. I know that the first time, we had a really serious talk afterwards.
He was...Pleased and concerned. And we both believe it was something that could be pushed too far. For both of us. For me to the point of damage, and him to the point where it didn't heighten his feelings for me, but created negative ones.
And humiliation is one of those things where you kind of keep uping the ante. So you have to know your cards and stop before you end up in the hole.

My all time favorite blog post about the positive feelings humiliation can evoke is at A Slave among Drivers. I think she did an absolutely brilliant job expressing how incredible it can be.

Humiliation is about humility--the absence of pride, being in a place where there is no ego or pretension...Only who and what you really are. Humility is about accepting and just...Being.
It's about having all the unnecessary trappings of daily life and who we are stripped away until there is nothing left between us.

Though it is not to be confused with degradation (yes, I'm picky and I like to make these distinctions). Degradation is about tearing someone down and making them less than what they are.

Positive humiliation is about being seen at your absolute lowest, and respected the more for it. It's about what happens after the tears, facing the fears, and crawling out the other side.

There's clearly a huge difference between positive and negative humiliation, and I think that most of us immediately think of the negative connotations when we hear the word. Because, lets face it, humiliation can be an extremely negative thing right? It's those experiences we hated, and that left us feeling like shit, the ones we try not to think about as we look through our memories or face the mirror.

But sometimes, it is a beautiful thing that happens in that place where boundaries fade and we can be closer to another human being than space itself allows.

The way he picks me up and kisses my head, the way he washes my hair and runs his fingers down my back, the words he whispers in my ear as he guides me to bed--it's these things that make the experience what it is. More so perhaps than the humiliation itself. But these things would not be what they are without the events that led to them.

And the way he grins at me on the following day and calls me his twisted little kitty? Well, it is rather endearing.

How does one get off on humiliating another person? I dunno. Perhaps because there is something powerful about seeing the extent to which another person is willing to go for you, in being able to do obscene things to someone that they would likely never admit to let alone do....I think it takes a sadistic streak. So often we think of sadism and masochism being about physical pain. But really? There are many toys in that particular sandbox.

Like most of the incredible experiences in life, humiliation at it's worst can be a terrible thing. At it's best...It can be absolutely amazing.

Delicious Darkness

In the span of twenty seconds against the fridge while hearing and feeling some very convincing things, I got it.
No, really!

Think about what you want and what happens if you actually get it.

Seriously.

I also think I know some of why he wants me to let go.
And as silly as it sounds? I believe it is very much for my own good.
I think he's a little curious where I'll go, and perhaps a little nervous where we will land. But really, he knows I have to be all in. All or nothing. It's not the most amendable trait, but he knows it well about me. And that's never going to happen if I don't simply...Surrender.

I have also come to a realization about the events of this week. Normally, after a taste of really letting go, I withdraw and fortify the walls. I didn't do that this time.

I used his actions/non-actions as an excuse for why I shouldn't do it.

Same thing, different method. And it took me all these angsty posts to come to that conclusion.
I know I'm a slow learner, but it could be worse right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was this morning...Tonight, well...It's one of those times where I'm going to read this in the morning and it may not make any sense at all.

When he took me into the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and said "disrobe," I knew it hadn't been an empty threat.

I wanted to squirm out of my own skin as he sat down and waited for me to undress. Watching every movement with an almost complete lack of expression.

I think it was the most humiliating experience of my entire life.

When we came out, he spent a few minutes on the computer while I sat at his feet in a haze. Seriously, the gnomes could have painted my living room purple, and I don't think I would have batted an eyelash.

At one point when he was fucking me, he whispered, "One of the reasons sex is such a big part of our D/s is because it's the thing you have the hardest time giving." 

See, he gives me answers when I'm receptive. Unfortunately, that's also when I tend to forget things.

The thing here is that I realized something tonight--D/s is my water, and humiliation is my addiction. 

Humiliation is deeply disturbing, a delicious darkness, it does something to my psyche that nothing else quite touches.

I remember the first time he did something really humiliating to me me, and how terrified I was that he couldn't possibly love me afterwards, how he said that he loved me more because of what I was willing to do for him, how incredibly safe and loved I felt when it was over. And he had more respect for me than before.

There's nothing quite like when someone can take pleasure from placing you at your very lowest, seeing you at your very worst, and accepting you for what you are in the end.

Being humiliated by Alpha is raw, vulnerable, complete surrender. I know this sounds weird, but in a way, it's like being without skin--there's nothing left between you.

That squirm, the slight sensation of fear, the floating and mindless acquiescence that humiliation brings is...Well it's just delicious. It turns me into a wanton, dripping, malleable, whore, who will crawl on her knees and do anything he says without question.

And he loves me when it's over.

I shouldn't be writing...I feel like a puddle of sex and submission and something else...Me?

Needy Little Thing

Needy...I don't really know how not to be.

Yea, I consider myself competent, capable of being self-sufficient, and fairly easy to please (I'm sure Alpha disagrees with the last one), but I also tend to be needy.
The more submissive I am, the more needy I feel. And it's driving me nuts. Come to think of it, I'm probably driving him nuts too.

Me more needy...Him busy...Messy.

Yea, I was thrilled when he dragged me into the bathroom and jacked off in my mouth.

Funny thing, I still don't like to admit that I love it.

Oops, got a little distracted for a second there.

Ooh, see the pretty butterfly?

Anyways...

Introspection is so rarely pretty...

Beyond the issue of letting go itself, there are some issues that arise when I actually do it.

One of them is this horrifically powerful craving for Dominance. Brain-numbing, controlling, overwhelmingly overpowering, Dominance.

I mean, it's ridiculous. I think I may become halfway intolerable (yes, only halfway), in short, I'm pretty sure I become a raging brat.

Because I want a response. I want to be grabbed by the throat and thrown up against a wall. I want to spend hours without a will of my own. I want  a major show of Dominance and I will prod and poke until I get it...Or not.

By then? It's never good. Yea, I will probably get thrown up against the wall and slapped. And then later he'll cane my ass and I'll be so very very freaking sorry; because really, that thing is awful.
Or he will raise the occasional eyebrow at me, get truly annoyed, and refuse to be drawn out at all. Then he'll ponder the complexities of chess all night.

Sounds like this is really working for me right?

Awesome huh.
I know. It's not.

Being a good girl can be so painfully elusive...Sometimes I feel like everything gets all fuckered up no matter which direction I go in--hang on with bleeding fingernails to achieve feeling like I am merely scratching the surface of possibility, or let go and fall flat on my face.

I think that the whole "let go grab it back, let go grab it back" circle is screwing with me. I mean, how does a person go from being so off she forgets and goes to bed with panties on (since when???), to "please please please repeatedly prove to me without a doubt that which we both already know--I am owned."

I detect a less than faint whining tone...And I find it slightly irritating.

There's no doubt that I tend to have some behavioral issues when I'm needy, but I think he likes my need...

Sometimes I wonder if he just wants to see me...Needy. He likes to point out that there were a great many years where his needs were not met. I don't deny it.

Thing is, I am pretty damn good at turning it off.
Then he wants me on. And I can't turn back on.

He doesn't like it when things "feel forced". And I can appreciate that, and yes, whatever his idea of Dominance is works for me.
But sometimes I wonder...Why does he want me to let go?

Last night he said, "what do you want?" I glowered and said, "you Know what I want!" He turned back to his game, "say what you want and you might get it."
Simple yes?
Should have been. I went to bed.
Brilliant right?

I think I need to quit writing until I get my whine under control lol.

Discussions

I wrote yesterday's post before we discussed the previous post. Life with children at home all the time can be complicated--you kind of snatch your moments when they come.

Plopping down in the chair in front of me, he pointed out that he doesn't always have the answers and he makes mistakes too. He gave me that steady look (you know, the one where you kind of want to look away but doing so is silently strictly forbidden), and said, "I have a lot of stuff to deal with right now. And you aren't the only one who thinks and doubts and wonders you know." Well damn...Then he shrugged gave me an apologetic look, and continued, "I'm only human baby."

Oh double damn. But fair enough.

Then there's me admitting that I can see how it's difficult to take me seriously when I discuss everything that's important as a joke.
And saying that, more than anything, I think I just want to know that he cares if I do what he says or not.
And him pointing out that he doesn't want to micromanage me, and that I wouldn't enjoy it either.

He stood up, leaned over to kiss the top of my head, and whispered gently, "to me Dominance is making you bend to my will. And I think that sometimes you get too caught up in what you get out of it."

Hmmm, well...Let me just inspect the kitchen floor for a second...Alright, I'll give you that one. "But I am right about some things. That doesn't mean that I think you are wrong--just that I'm right too."

He smiled, "I'll agree to that baby."

Words. Feelings. Relationships

After I wrote yesterday's post I felt something I have never felt after posting on my blog--guilt. And I realized a few things--for one I never say anything like that in a serious conversation, I'm always joking or teasing. For two, as long as he's Dominating his way, I'm happy. Because it's his way.
I also realized that what I think and feel is very important to him (so what if that should have been blatantly obvious. Pfbht), and I have a bad habit of knowing what I don't want, not what I do want.

Then he read it.

Words are dangerous things. You can close your lips on them, here they can be deleted. But once read or heard? They create thoughts and feelings. And those are something you simply cannot hit a delete button for.

He was not angry. He was hurt. The kind of quiet hurt like when one of the dogs dies or life has fallen inexplicably to pieces overnight as it sometimes does.

"I don't know what you want baby. Sometimes I think there's no pleasing you."

I have really found nothing in this world worse than that sort of pain in him. Especially when I am the cause.

I wanted to take it back, but words create feelings and ideas. And you can't take those back. I thought about deleting it, but the words were already read.

And I had already used up all my words, I had no reply (though a different kind of oral communication did serve me rather well I think...)

Am I sorry I wrote the post?
No.
Because I realized that I am happy with his Dominance and whatever form it takes because it's his way. I realized that I never say anything serious in a serious manner. I realized that what I say and think has a big impact on him. I realized that all I really want is to know that my submission matters, and that that shouldn't matter quite so much.

I also realized that this blog isn't really a valid means of communication for us anymore.

I am however, very very sorry for the affect it had on Alpha.

Because I can handle anything else life throws at me--except that feeling of defeat from him. I feel like I unnecessarily made him question himself. Me. Us. How we do ttwd.

When really? I'm happy with his way. Whatever that way may be. And there's really nothing that makes me happier than his happiness.

In a way, I think my post was attempting to make excuses for myself for why it's okay not to submit the way he wants when he wants, a reason for clambering my way back up the rabbit hole because it can be kind of scary sometimes.
And mostly? It's self doubt pointing outwards.

It is far easier to mend fences than it is to mend feelings.

Today is a new day and the clouds seem to be lifting slightly. Both the metaphorical and physical.

Different Pages

Occasionally I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Blogging helps me sort through shit. However, people do, (for some insane reason) read here. And Alpha reads every post.
So I make an effort not to be critical of him, to look at my part first and foremost, not to come and whine when I don't get my way. Okay, in all fairness I do whine, but usually it's just so I (and my ever un-sympathetic sub readers), can get a good laugh out of it.

Yet, I'm still not good with words. Writing is different, easier, more time to think and sort as opposed to just spitting it out and getting caught up in the consequences. And thus this blog still ends up sometimes acting as a mode of communication for us.

To say that we have been on different pages lately, would be an understatement. In fact, I have begun to wonder if we are even reading the same book.
We haven't been fighting or arguing, or anything like that. He's been sweet and demanding and distant. Doesn't sound too bad right? And it's not really.

I don't mind that he ignores my requests for the knives to come back out--after all, the point is it's not up to me anyways, and I don't mind the occasions that he is distant. Sometimes it's even kind of hot.
I don't even really mind being ignored--as long as he chooses to do it and isn't just doing it because he doesn't notice. Make any sense? Yea I know, picky picky.

I do mind when I try to communicate and it just doesn't work. I know my communication skills are crap. Really I do. So I'm not saying he doesn't listen.
But I do think that sometimes, just sometimes, he doesn't really hear me.

Sometimes I think that when I say "D/s", he hears "sex."
Sometimes I think he could care less if I do as I'm told (as long as it's not related to sex, coffee, or back rubs).

And I make a conscious effort not to be a raging bitch brat. But when I think he doesn't hear me? I regress.
Not the best choice no doubt, but somewhat of a natural response for me.

He knows that given a choice between life without sex and life without D/s, I would quit sex in a heartbeat (though the two are so intertwined around here, that's a real hypothetical lol).

Yet, I don't know that it really makes any sense to him. And when things don't make sense to him, he generally doesn't do anything about them until they do.

Perhaps this is just me trying to dictate my terms again, and just pouting because I spent a week following him around and waiting to sit at his feet and I got sex and a clean bedroom.
Perhaps I felt like I was really making progress with this whole submission thing...And he didn't really notice. Yea, I guess that's pouting too.

Some days this whole submission thing is so simple. And other days? It's just damn well complicated.

Part of me wonders what happens after I hit "publish" and he reads this.

It's not my intention to be critical, or whiny, or dictate my terms...Sometimes it's just nice to see words in print when they don't work for my mouth...Sometimes it makes things just a bit easier to figure out. And sometimes, it shows me the glaring error of my ways. Sometimes...

Brought to You By...

And today's spate of angsty drivel brought to you by a thoroughly disillusioned sub who's to busy being irritable about an unreasonably twisted knee and the impact it's having on her new-found dedication to working out daily to care that there's a foot of snow on the ground. 

I think that's a new record for me--an entire paragraph without punctuation. Lol.

Little sister

I feel you in my dreams

 I see you in my mind

And I wonder what happened to that girl I love

the one who could rise above

who knew what it meant to love in return.

Little sister 

I used to call you babygirl

now I see you in my dreams

and you are 

empty.

Little sister who's eyes are dead, 

heart unreachable

do you remember?

You used to have dreams of your own

plans for who you would be

the things you could do.

Do you remember the infinite possibilities of life?

Or has it all been lost as you mainline your time away?

Little sister, did all your dreams of who you could be

vanish into the night?

have you completely lost your sight

on your endless search

 for one more fix.

Everything you could have had and been

goes into your veins

as you seek to drown the pains of your own making.

Ah little sister, how I miss her.

And I wonder if you are in there somewhere

because in my dreams I feel you

and you feel
like an empty shell.

Your brother tells me you killed her,

my beloved little sister

the first time you slid a needle into your veins

in an effort to avoid the pain

of being human.

Little sister of mine

I see you in my dreams

and there I feel only that void

the emptiness that resides

where you used to be.

Somewhere along the way

you forgot what it means to love

your life became a web of lies

and I told you I was done.

Once sweet little sister of mine,

I am done with your false lines
and so I cut our ties

yet

I will still be there next time

ignoring your web of lies

as you bleed on the hospital floors

for what you thought was love.

Movie Recommendations?

Any decent BDSM themed movie recommendations? Purely for entertainment purposes lol.

Down...

Ironically, I am discovering that letting go is an act of will. In that moment when I begin to feel myself fighting, I make myself...Not. I use my will to bend to his, make it go whatever direction his will demands. And it's a bit of a new experience...

If I don't achieve some level of space, I don't enjoy sex. The first thing he says to me is always "down" and usually it takes a little while. I need help. I need something to happen that carries me there.

Last night he wrapped his hands around my head and told me "down."

And I went.

Too far to fast.

At first I felt all floaty and high. Then I felt like I was falling and developed an immediate case of vertigo. I really thought I was going to lose my dinner right there. The room was spinning, my stomach was somewhere in the vicinity of my head, and I felt a bit like I was a few shots past drunk.

Which is why I don't drink--I don't like that feeling.

He always knows if I am in space or not. I think he felt me pulling up, pulling back, grasping for solidity in my newly spinning world.

And it took me a minute to tell him what was going on when he asked. It seemed so...Ridiculous. "Yea, you told me 'down' and I feel like I went too fast. I have a terrible case of vertigo and am feeling like I'm going to puke right here."

Because really, who does that happen to, I mean, how totally ridiculous does that sound?
I have to admit, it sounds even more ridiculous in the light of day with my feet firmly planted on the floor and my head not spinning.

I hadn't realized that it was possible for me to go so far down so fast. And I think it took Alpha a bit by surprise too.

I knew he gave me butterflies. The vertigo? Well that's a whole new ballgame. Did I mention that I'm not sure I liked it?