One of the things that delighted me most when we discovered ttwd, was the discovery of a certain place.
Not a place like the bedroom, or any specific physical place. More of a space really.
A space where anything can be said, any secret spilled, any thought shared, any feeling aired, and while there may be consequences, there is no judgement. No argument. No strife. Just acceptance that it is what it is, and we are what we are.
I would give a great deal to rediscover that space. I am familiar with the ebb and flow of things that comes with living life. But quite honestly, at this point, I could give a crap less how "normal" it is.
We had an actual yelling and tears fight the other day. He had to go and nothing got resolved. Though he did return home with a very sweet and apologetic card which I appreciated very much.
And I have discovered just how infuriating it can be when someone feels the same way as you do. It doesn't sound like it should be infuriating right? Except it is.
When he says that he feels like I blame everything on him, and I feel like it's the opposite and that he acts like it's all my fault? It's like hitting your head on a brick wall. Repeatedly.
Sometimes blogging is hard. Because it's about self expression, it's about how I feel, it's about my life as I perceive it to be.
And sometimes I'm angry with him, sometimes I'm hurt at him, sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel critical--of him or myself. Sometimes I'm just damn well disillusioned with life.
Sometimes the blog becomes a point of contention, an expression of thought to argue about, the start of a fight.
He said that I have been about as un-submissive as humanly possible lately, and that's probably true. Though, I would be inclined to argue that there are heights not yet reached.
He asks me what's wrong, I don't want to tell him. Then I say it and he's angry.
'Round and 'round we go.
Oh hell, I don't even know why I'm bitching. Really, today has been a pretty good day.
I just miss that space. Our space. My place. Where anything can be felt, and anything can be said. Where everything can be shared and all can be bared. Where it is all okay because he loves, likes, and wants me despite it all. It gets lonely behind the walls when one becomes used to not being able to hide behind them.
I miss feeling like it's okay to bare my soul, like it's okay for him to know my private thoughts, like it would be an aberration for him not to know the thoughts in my mind...I miss feeling like at his feet is where I am meant to be, the way it feels when his hand strokes my hair and lingers on my neck...
I miss feeling like he finds me beautiful, feeling like he finds me pleasing, feeling like I am never alone in my own mind.
|I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling that no matter what he sees, it is all going to be okay, and he will love me anyways.|