Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I Miss Our Space

Life around here has looked something like this lately:

One of the things that delighted me most when we discovered ttwd, was the discovery of a certain place.
Not a place like the bedroom, or any specific physical place. More of a space really.
A space where anything can be said, any secret spilled, any thought shared, any feeling aired, and while there may be consequences, there is no judgement. No argument. No strife. Just acceptance that it is what it is, and we are what we are.

I would give a great deal to rediscover that space. I am familiar with the ebb and flow of things that comes with living life. But quite honestly, at this point, I could give a crap less how "normal" it is.

We had an actual yelling and tears fight the other day. He had to go and nothing got resolved. Though he did return home with a very sweet and apologetic card which I appreciated very much.

And I have discovered just how infuriating it can be when someone feels the same way as you do. It doesn't sound like it should be infuriating right? Except it is.
When he says that he feels like I blame everything on him, and I feel like it's the opposite and that he acts like it's all my fault? It's like hitting your head on a brick wall. Repeatedly.

Sometimes blogging is hard. Because it's about self expression, it's about how I feel, it's about my life as I perceive it to be.
And sometimes I'm angry with him, sometimes I'm hurt at him, sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel critical--of him or myself. Sometimes I'm just damn well disillusioned with life.
Sometimes the blog becomes a point of contention, an expression of thought to argue about, the start of a fight.

He said that I have been about as un-submissive as humanly possible lately, and that's probably true. Though, I would be inclined to argue that there are heights not yet reached.

He asks me what's wrong, I don't want to tell him. Then I say it and he's angry.
'Round and 'round we go.

Oh hell, I don't even know why I'm bitching. Really, today has been a pretty good day.

I just miss that space. Our space. My place. Where anything can be felt, and anything can be said. Where everything can be shared and all can be bared. Where it is all okay because he loves, likes, and wants me despite it all. It gets lonely behind the walls when one becomes used to not being able to hide behind them.

I miss feeling like it's okay to bare my soul, like it's okay for him to know my private thoughts, like it would be an aberration for him not to know the thoughts in my mind...I miss feeling like at his feet is where I am meant to be, the way it feels when his hand strokes my hair and lingers on my neck...
I miss feeling like he finds me beautiful, feeling like he finds me pleasing, feeling like I am never alone in my own mind.
I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling that no matter what he sees, it is all going to be okay, and he will love me anyways.


  1. "Though, I would be inclined to argue that there are heights not yet reached." Boy do those words resonate. Hope you're feeling better,

    Love the rose background. Don't see any thorns, that's a positive, yes.

    1. sunnygirl,
      Yes, today is indeed better.

      Ridiculous how one can always find new heights isn't it?

  2. Sometimes it is difficult and it feels like your hitting walls and getting nowhere...but you are because it will force you both to sit down and talk it out...because after the initial arguing, tears, anger etc there is that realisation that you both want this, and the only way to get through it is to talk and learn from it..and then it can be chalked up as experience...and thats a positive thing.


    1. tori,
      yes, well...Experience seems somewhat similar to building character--rather unpleasant at times.

      I suppose it's fortunate that the only way is out through the other side...

      Hope you're feeling better and enjoying being back home!

  3. do something, anything, take any small action what so ever to move back to where you want to be. Then do another one. Then again and again and again.

  4. stop thinking about what I said above and go do something.

    1. Sir J,
      lol--sound advice indeed. As usual.
      Thank you.

  5. Sir J can be absolutely right about things sometimes... If I remember the storyline correctly - you and he are both working to quit/cut down on smoking? I have to imagine that has a huge influence on patience, moods, general sweetness all around, and will for awhile. Doing - no matter how small - and purely for the sake of the doing - not for the expectation of the snowball effect you want to follow it - can make a difference. I've been there - it sucks! I'm really, really wishing you luck.

    1. gg,
      yes, the smoking issue is paramount at the moment--he's not thrilled that I'm still doing it.
      I must admit to a bit of fear about what kind of beast I will become, and the turmoil that will ensue when I quit...
      ANd that whole ""Without expectation" thing is something that I have been working on in many forms. I think it is an important, yet terribly (for me) difficult concept to incorporate into daily life.

      @ Sir J,
      LOL--in all fairness, wouldn't it be somewhat presumptuous of one of us to say that you are absolutely right about things all the time?

    2. Regarding smoking: (said in a mock joke/sarcastic way) You know you're going to quit eventually, just quit now. The beast and turmoil will only last a short time and then they'll be gone. ;)

    3. st,
      and here I was going around thinking you were such a sweet lady. Traitor!

      (Do please take this response in the joking manner it was written)

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  7. Sometime those "small steps" (what Sir J said) can be the hardest, but well worth it. I wish I could offer you something helpful, but Tori, Sir J and Greengirl summed it up nicely. I'm sorry our going through such a difficult time. Hoping you find your 'space' soon.


    1. st,
      tori, gg, and Sir J are pretty good like that, aren't they.

      ANd it is those small steps that make all the difference. Something I am still working on. Because those big leaps just look so good, you know?

  8. I view life as a way to create ones self. We can pass through and push through most anything. If you miss that kind of honest communication try to make the first steps to open your door to it. I went through a similar motion myself with Daddy some 6 years or so ago and we have been together for 15 years this May. Sometimes the first step is the hardest to even the greatest journey, at least to any journey I have found worth going through. Now I am back to the way things were when wee first got together. I am sure you can find your way back to freely communicating again.

    1. Pet,
      Happy nearly anniversary!
      Alpha and I will have been together 15 years this June.

      We are working our way slowly back I think.
      Thank you.


Play nice.