Monday, April 1, 2013

The Problem Is...

Oh, just one problem? Okay, so I rounded down by a few hundred. No need to be picky.

I'm a bit on the sensitive side (don't laugh, I do try to hide it well). You know that woman who flies off the handle and totally becomes a raging mess over, "You're not sure what"?

Hi my name is lil, and I would much rather yell at someone than admit that they hurt my feelings.

For me, one of the less pleasing things that happened when we really began exploring ttwd, was that I found it took very little criticism from Alpha to make me cry.
It was like, suddenly what he thought and how he felt mattered more than I ever imagined that it could.

When we began to push further into intensity, everything became more intense.The love, the pain, the happiness, the intimacy, the hurt feelings--all of it.

As soon as he announced that he was going to quit smoking, I knew that I had better toughen up a bit. Withdrawal makes you cranky, and if I took everything to heart, I would be a sobbing useless wreck, and we would spend the majority of our time fighting.

I think that I did pretty good, he tried really hard not to be mean, and he's pretty much made it out the other side of cranky.
The thing is...He has now moved on to the general unhappiness stage. Which is really, (and quite selfishly) difficult for me, because he's the optimistic, positive, upbeat one in this relationship.
I have the mood swing, cynical, and people suck, market cornered. And there's just not enough room in that corner for both of us.

The problem is...

The other night was the most intensely that we have played for a while. Oh who am I kidding, it was the first time in ages that we have played at all.
There's a certain drop that sometimes happens afterwards, and the longer we go between nights like that, the more intense the drop.

I seriously hate being all sensitive and prone to tears. It irritates me to no end, and I'm sure that dealing with it can be somewhat incredibly irritating as well.

I was feeling pretty thin-skinned yesterday, and just didn't deal well with anything he did or didn't say.

The problem with being owned is...
Everything one's owner says, does, and feels, means...Everything.
Their mood and words can be like the difference between a sunny day and a winter storm when it comes to how one feels and perceives the world.
And, illogically, I often find myself believing that any unhappiness of his is a direct reflection of his happiness with me.
That sentence didn't make sense did it? That's okay--illogical thought processes don't have to make sense lol.


  1. yes yes yes. that's why, as things are finally getting more intense round here (sonething i've craved for a long time) I also get panicky!

    1. mamacrow,
      Isn't it odd how things we desire so much can also induce panic...

  2. Just stay tough - he's almost there. The good news is once you finally give up your nicotene habit he will be on the receiving end of the "snarks".

    Hang in there and you know not to take any of it to heart.

    1. sunnygirl,
      omgoodness noooooo! He'll kill me.
      Who said I was quitting?? Not me, nuh uh!

  3. When you're that close, it's hard not to feel it personally, no matter what the higher brain knows.
    Chant mantras.
    They're only marginally useful, of course, but they give you something to do other than cry.
    And then just wait for tomorrow. (Cuz you know it comes.) ;-)

    1. Jz,
      Sometimes I think that my higher brain has finally given up and run away.
      Is crying a mantra? Pretty sure it's not...

  4. That sentence makes total sense to me. If he's unhappy, it must be something I've done, at least that's how my brain works. It's hardly ever true, but I rarely remeber that in the moment. Take a breath, and tell yourself, "this too shall pass." It only helps a little, but a little is better than none :)

    1. Faerie,
      I don't know whether to be happy or sorry that it makes sense to you lol.

      And yes, a little is better than a whole lota nothin.

  5. I have totally felt the same way, it does pass because in the end the situation is temporary but the awesometown bad assery and beauty of you is constant! You're amazing lil.

    1. SubGirl,
      Lol--thank you. I appreciate it.

  6. Hang in there. I remember how bad I was when quitting smoking, I feel for you!

    1. Pet,
      He's done pretty well with the crankiness. I shudder to contemplate how I'll be when I quit...

  7. Any unhappiness of his is a direct reflection of his happiness with me?????

    Haven't you been reading here?

    Any happiness of his is a direct reflection of his happiness with me!

    He'll even be happy when quitting smoking, because he has you!

    1. Bas,
      oh my goodness no--I don't read here!

      And to say that he was happy while quitting might be a bit of a stretch. But I do think that I managed to save the children, and he will probably appreciate it once they move out and start behaving like reasonable human beings...

  8. Yes...mouse often looks at it this way...If she's having a hard time, O can bring her around...He can do things to bring her in line...

    But if he's the one who's being distant...It totally affects mouse.


    1. mouse,
      it's hard right? Because they can be so helpful, and it can be difficult when those tables are turned...

  9. Totally agree with everything that you all are saying!

    Everything they do or say affects us!!!!

    1. Brattyredsub,
      that's the terrible thing about relationships isn't it?


Play nice.