Thursday, April 18, 2013

On Reward and Validation

We humans tend to be quite reward oriented, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.
It seems to me, that the problem with this attachment to reward arises when we get too caught up in expecting reward from external forces.

 I don't feel like submission should be about what I get out of it, what I get back, my rewards.
It shouldn't be about expecting something in return for simply doing as I am supposed to do.

Pleasing is not about getting rewarded, it is simply about being and behaving in a way that he find pleasing. With the knowledge of having done so as its own reward, and an internal sense of fulfillment that doesn't require praise.
Here's the thing...If one doesn't know that how they are/what they are doing is pleasing, then one can merely attempt to avoid behaviors which are not pleasing.

Still, submission and the acts inherent to its existence, need to come from an inner desire to submit, an inner desire to please, and inner drive to live your life as yourself.

I would venture to say that, in the context of a relationship, submitting merely for what one can get out of it, keeps the experience on the shallow end of possibility. It avoids the the depths to which submission is capable of taking us.
To say that Dominance and submission is all about me and what I want or need, would be to take a selfish and ultimately convoluted approach to the whole concept.

At the same time, being human has its pitfalls.

Knowing that I please him, knowing that I am special, knowing that my submission is appreciated, the feeling of being actively owned--those things give me fulfillment.
I feel like his acknowledgement of my submission validates me as a submissive.

I need to know that, after nearly 15 years, he still finds me beautiful, still finds me interesting, still enjoys me for who I am as a whole.
Because underneath it all, I am simply...A human woman, with all the quirks and inconsistencies inherent to my kind.

While I do crave the trappings of whips and chains, the demands and physical expressions that remind me of who and what we are, it is the small daily moments that inspire me.
It is having him in my head and knowing he cares, that encourages me do and be the best that I can be as a submissive.

Submission, for all its trappings of passivity, cannot succeed as a passive endeavor. Just as passive Dominance will only go so far towards inspiring submission.

Submission is important to me because submissive is a part of who I am. Knowing that it matters to him too, makes me feel like I am important to him.

I should submit out of an inner desire to do so, without a constant need for him to drag it out of me by conquering every step of the way.
Yet...
Knowing that he truly cares whether I submit or not, that the quality of my submission matters, that my submission is important to him--I need that validation. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
I think though, that is the expectation of validation that causes issues.

Ultimately, to please should be its own reward. But to be told that one has pleased...Well, that  somehow makes it easier I guess. Even if it shouldn't really matter.

It feels like my musings and struggles have become excessively monotonous and repetitive.
Maybe I just need more coffee...

19 comments:

  1. You're human Lil and to achieve a constant state of submission without any validation would be an amazing. Positive feedback / validation - what I see as a reward - is important in any relationship, or else how do you know you're pleasing him? But then, I'm not a submissive, so perhaps that's why I would need to know. Now I'm rambling....

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    1. DelFonte,
      I agree that positive feedback is important to every relationship. But I wonder that doing things Juts to get the positive feedback is...Perhaps not the proper motivation. If that makes any sense...

      Delete
  2. I think it's human nature (submissive or not) to want/need compliments, praise and/or acknowledgment that one is doing something right. Not on every single thing or even every day. But small, subtle reminders that say, "Yep, I'm aware of how well your doing (or trying or whatever)" go a long way in relationships. By receiving these small approvals is what encourages one to continue. "Ultimately, to please should be its own reward." And it is. However... "...to be told that one has pleased...well, that somehow makes it easier..." Absolutely, it makes it easier. Otherwise, like you said, how would one know they are doing well or that the efforts are even being noticed? Of course, I (or a whole lot of other people) can tell you you're doing a good job, but something tells me that won't be the same, lol. Sorry. Rambling must be contagious, lol.

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    1. st,
      lol--I often seem to be accused of spreading contagions such as rambling.
      I think it is nice when those efforts are noticed. But I don't think that doing things just for the reward is an ideal approach I guess.

      Delete
    2. I agree with you on the ideal approach. But wait...you're not doing it just for the positive feedback, right?? The positive feedback isn't the reward, it's...umm...an added bonus(?) to let you know your actions are noticed. There are so many things that we do without any chance of reward, but we do them anyway. I don't know. It's a fine line, I guess. The more I type he more confused I sound, lol. It sounded good in my head before I started typing, I promise.

      Delete
  3. Had to think about this one long and heard and would agree that submission should come from a place of wanting to please and not for reward. Where it gets muddy is that what Daddy gives me in return is his love, affection, protection and a stong feeling of security, thats the reward.....and really its something one expects if she is going to submit so fully. Perhaps this is oversimplified but is definitely a motivator.

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    1. dancingbarez,
      I think that it is reasonable to expect those things if one is, as you said, going to submit fully.

      As an habitual over-complicator, I can see the value in simplification!

      Delete
  4. Shouldn't it be also part of the basics of D/s to know that you have pleased?

    lovely post

    ara

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    1. ara,
      right, but...When one goes down the road, and gets swept away from the basics, I think that it can be easy to forget or get all caught up in it all.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  5. I think this is brilliant, lil. I agree that it must come from a place deep within. I seek to please my Daddy, and when I do it is breathtaking to see the effect it has on him. It is this lovely dance of reciprocity, the more I bend to him, the more I please him, the more he shows me his control and pride in ownership, and that is what I crave - that fire in his eyes, devotion in his touch, the placement of his body between me and perceived threats, and always, always subtle expressions of connection. It is utterly delicious.

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    1. June,
      Thank you!
      Those subtle expressions really are delicious.

      Delete
  6. lil - i've been round and round and round with this one. Relationships have to be just that - relational - there have to be two sides. Submission has to be to someone or something - as does Dominance for that matter. I can't submit in a vacuum, i need to know he wants it, likes it, values it.... Yet - i need to do for him - for him, not for my own satisfaction or fulfillment or his thanks or whatever. It's not giving if i'm really trading for something.

    This was so much more articulate than what's in my head on all this. When you solve the dilemma - you'll share right?!?

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    1. gg,
      as much as I go around and around with this concept, I am to the point of seriously doubting that I shall ever solve the dilemma.
      But should that miraculous event ever occur, you will be the first to know! Though, even if i do figure it out, I will probably spend so much time doubting my conclusion, that it will never be presented as an actual solution...

      Delete
  7. Lil - First off, great post. It's a question I think any of us face, submissive or not, dominant or not. It is human nature to need confirmation or validation of...a job well done for better lack of term at the moment. Speaking as a submissive, I can say that it's when I do get even a simple "Good girl" for something, even the most most insignificant of tasks, I can feel that "inner" beam or peace. As submissives, we desire...down to our core, to please. It is the same for the dominant I would gather, when we do something as simple as calling them Daddy, Sir, Master, etc...we've reaffirmed our submission to them and they find happiness and peace. It's give and take :) Sorry...kind of took off on my thought there lol.
    Banana

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    1. Banana Boat,
      Thank you.
      Feel free to ramble to your hearts content here! Like I told st, it seems to be somewhat contagious.

      Delete
  8. Lil--you made my head hurt!! Besides that: this is a great post.
    I had to read this a couple of times, because I am really not wired to "do something to get something" BUT I am with you on how occasionally when submission is dragged out of us, it kind of gives more substance or validation to the whole thing. I'm not sure if it is validation though or just the knowing that they care enough to dance with us ;o) I see it more as...affirming/reaffirming.

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    1. Bleuame,
      apologies for the headache--I think I gave myself one just writing it.
      I think that the need for affirming/reaffirming is more positive than the need for validation. Though, at the moment, I can't quite seem to come up with a logical explanation for why I feel that way.

      "the knowing that they care enough to dance with us" I love that! What a great way to phrase it.

      Delete
  9. Excellently said. Also something I needed to read tonight. Yet what if you don't feel appreciated, wanted or pleasing. What if deep down you know you must be, but then doubt that. And question whether its a gut feeling or just you hoping.

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    1. J,
      thank you.
      As to your questioning, I think that was basically the line of thought I was having before I wrote this post. I haven't discovered the answer yet though...

      Delete

Play nice.