Say it, Do it, Be it

In the beginning, ttwd was talk. It was an idea, a concept lacking solidity--an experiment waiting for action. The words seemed awkward, the place they led unknown.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.

As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.

Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.

When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.

And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.

One Hell Of A Look

There's this particular look Alpha gets sometimes, like He's going to eat me alive or something lol. It's passionate and intense, and it can be really hot.

But there's this other look...It's intent and detached, with occasional flashes of quizzical...
And it makes my stomach do funny things while my knees wobble and my heart skips a beat.
It makes unbearable pain manageable.
It makes whatever He decides to do in that moment okay.

There are many "looks," but this one? It's a bit new and it's kind of like stepping into a whole new ballgame. One where they may throw knives instead of balls lol.

It's one hell of a look.

Every year that goes by, things change, ttwd moves deeper into who we are.

And sometimes I think "oh shit," I am in soo far over my head that it's not even funny. But staying in the shallows? It wouldn't have worked for us anyways. That whole, "all or nothing" thing I guess.

That detached and calculating look? It's hot and it's kind of scary, and it melts my bones.
It's one hell of a look.

Here we go again

New additions:

1 three year old girl.
Piles of shit that doesn't fit in my house.
1 storage unit.
1 sil recently discharged from the hospital with a concussion and whiplash from her boyfriend beating the shit out of her.
A very strong sense of "do unto others as they do unto you" (or to someone you love as the case may be).
Multiple and constant headaches.
And several very bad attitudes.

Stolen, missing, or vanished items:
1 car.
1 felon with a death wish.
Privacy.
Sanity.

Wanted items:
A healthy dose of D/s (to be found somewhere between walking into the bedroom and passing out).
Another house or three more bedrooms (preferably "affordable").
Children that behave (willing to trade three curious little overachievers for imaginary and polite kids).
1 death certificate or assurance of equal value (bones also carry redeemable value).
1 car (that works)
Time alone to be seriously used (time frame unknown but closely tied to the following item).
Sanity

Accepting the slut

I end up with all kinds of ideas floating around in my head on my way home from work. By the time I get to them in the morning, they're not quite as clear lol. Plus, I haven't had coffee yet, therefor I make no claims as to the sensibility or clarity of this post lol.

So I think it's fair to say that women in general are sluts and queens. Well, bitches too lol, but that's a different post.
I'm pretty good at the queen. If she's overindulged the bitch tends to show more often though. The slut? Not so good with her because I spent a very long time trying to repress her and when I let her out, bad things happened. But that was before Alpha was in charge. Things are a bit different now. Being His submissive gives me the ability to have certain desires (and, shudder, actually admit them lol), and indulge the slut more, knowing that He's the one ultimately in control of what I do with that part of myself.

Coffee just isn't kicking in like it should...

Anyways, I know a lot of people like to go off on how repressing submission is. The funny thing is, I have found it to be incredibly freeing (remind me of that next time I'm bitching about blowjobs on demand lol). I don't have to repress my sexual thoughts and desires because Alpha knows them and decides if they will be indulged or not. Sanctioned slutness if you will (yes, "slutness isn't a word. But it sounds good, phbt).
He see's who I really am behind all of the walls and day-to-day bullshit--He loves and accepts me anyways.

Back on point. I would have sworn I had one...
Pretending to be all queen or all slut isn't healthy. It represses parts of who I am and being half a person just doesn't work so well. The thing is, when I let out the slut and leave my house, I would swear it's written in black ink on my forehead. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. Sexuality has a way of oozing out whether I like it or not.

So I spent a lot of time keeping the slut locked up. The queen? She can be kind of a bitch. But she's easier to show and accept than the whore is. And it's hard to turn on things you spent years turning off.

The thing is, I'm not happy just being one or the other. I have to be both and in order to do so I have to accept the slut. Which is kind of hard sometimes, because she got me into lots of trouble in the past.

But things are different now. And I'm trying to be more accepting of the slut. Because she's part of who I am. And I don't have a problem admitting it anymore lol.

Dreams and squirmy things

Minimum payments haven't been made on anything for months and collectors start calling first thing in the morning. The upside to this is that you're to busy wishing you could sleep and praying that there will be some payments made come next paycheck, so you don't really remember your dreams.

Umm, this morning I did remember some rather hazy dreams. The kind of stuff that made me choke on my coffee and turn bright red while checking to see if anybody in my immediate vicinity was currently mind reading. Luckily Alpha was still in bed, so no one was lol.

I tend not to have...dreams like that lol. To compound the coffee choking and hot tomato sensation that accompanied my hazy remembrance, I also got to enjoy that particular squirmy feeling that comes with admitting something to Alpha that I really don't want to lol. Because...In part of the dream I'm standing next to Alpha, He has His hand around the back of my neck, He's asking me something, and controlling the way I turn my head. I'm looking at two men. They happen to be the same man (hey, it's dreamland. They could have been purple too). One doesn't interest me at all, the other...Well, I'm telling Alpha that I would fuck the other one (enter extremely squirmy feeling during waking realizations lol).
I thought it was kind of interesting though, because the two men in my dream were the same person, but one was clearly darker, Dominant...different. The other had the same physical appearance (okay, minus black leather jacket lol), different everything though...softer and less intense.

And there, I think, is my little peek into the abyss of attraction and one of the reasons I tend to go out of my way to avoid other Dominant men. Because it fucks with the slut in me. And while Alpha has clearly seen it all and probably knows better than I do, it's difficult to admit directly--what I find attractive and pushes my buttons. Then again, it's one thing to admit it. Another thing completely to actually show it.

Though I do suspect that if I spent a bit more time accepting that part of me, I would be able to squash my jealous tendencies more effectively. Because that's part of being human right? Attraction. And it's not an exclusive experience. Trying to make it so has a tendency of repressing parts of who we are. And after all, attraction isn't everything by any means--a serial killer could be attractive, but you don't want to marry him and say "you own me, do whatever you want with me" lol.

But it all just goes to show--I will find the most gorgeous man in the world completely unattractive if he hasn't got the intensity and that certain something that you see when looking at a Dominant man.
And no matter who I may see as attractive? Alpha knows it before I do. And I don't belong to any of them, nor do I want to. And He knows that too. Hmm, excessive use of "and."

Now I'll post on the way out the door and hope that Alpha reads while I'm not home so that I don't have to squirm and feel like I'm boiling in the lobster pot for the entire time it takes Him to read this (He really could work on that whole speed reading thing sheesh).

Damnitfuckingcrap, Guess the title, and unreasonable suggestions

 So I had a nice sassy little post put together for today because I had all kinds of uninteresting things to say yesterday and I just couldn't keep them all to myself. It has however, been preempted and if you want to read it, you will first have to wade through the lines of bitching I am about to flood my blog with lol.

I experienced a terrible tragedy yesterday--my clothes dryer went kaput. Yes, one of the most dearly beloved and important members of my household took a royal shit on my parade and proceeded to experience an extremely untimely death. As anyone who has been in close proximity to 2 and 8 year old boys knows, they are always rolling in the dirt, their clothing is small and therefor ridiculous to dry on hangers, and they go through an inhumane amount of it.
The dearly beloved dryer has been teetering on the edge of death for a while. I was not so secretly hoping that it would go to it's grave at a time when all the laundry was clean. And since there is no such time in my house, logic dictated that it should have survived until both children turned eighteen and went somewhere else to do their laundry lol.
If Alpha can't fix the dryer, I'm tempted to make sure that it rests in pieces to get back at it for leaving me. Lol. I had a spectacular weekend. And every silver lining comes with a nice dark cloud.

Now returning to the regularly scheduled programming...

Alpha pointed out that the title font I chose for my blog is ridiculously impossible to read and I should probably change it. Change it because it's unreadable?! What a completely unreasonable suggestion. I sputtered and offered an outright refusal in the form of "it's My blog and if they like it enough to read it, then they can deal with trying to guess what the title's are." Yes, completely selfless and not bitchy of me, I know.
He raised an eyebrow (you know, the one that is often a signal of something unpleasant to come), and stated firmly that it didn't really matter what other people thought and He said it was unreadable so if He told me to change it, I damn well would.
Ummm, I instantaneously became one of those solicitous and reasonable submissives who speaks softly and punctuates every sentence with "please" and "thank you" (see, it is possible for a leopard to change it's stripes spots. At least for a little bit lol).

So if the pretty, albeit unreadable, title font that I'm so fond of gets changed to something people can actually read--it was completely against my will and selfish tendencies better judgement.

Maybe one day I'll be less random...

I noticed that my poor blog is once again drowning in completely vanilla ramblings so I thought I should do something about it lol. This is totally random and probably won't make any sense, but it's not all vanilla lol.


Unfortunately, Alpha is permitted to make all the snarky comments He wants--when I do it He calls it diarrhea of the mouth and is mean about it. Hmph.
Anyways, the other day I was being particularly obstinate my usually sweet and pliant self while browsing through my regular blog reads. He asked me if I was trying to learn how to be submissive from reading people who actually are submissive and know how it's done. ?!??!!*#!? I was a little bit hurt.

This morning, after reading Stormy's last post (shelter in the storm, over on the right), I was feeling quite smarmy about His previous statement. "Uh huh, sure babe, I'm learning great punishable one-liners how to be more submissive by reading my favorite blogs."

Seriously though, while I haven't been writing about it much, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about ttwd.
And it's funny, because in the beginning, I did all this reading, and I had all these expectations about how He should be (note, it was "how He should be", and very little about how I should be lol). Five years in and I am incredibly grateful that He does not (often) display some of the traits that I thought were prerequisite for the position.
Sure, He takes what He wants when He wants it. But He cares enough about me and how I am doing to take that into consideration. Living with someone who didn't 24/7 would be a nightmare for me lol.
What is often great in fantasy is not quite so appealing as a constant way of life.

I have come to believe that Domination isn't so much about demanding submission as it is about inspiring it. Both have their place to be sure, but in the long run, demanding isn't going to get you everything. Well, yes, His damn bat radar and my need for air does often inspire me to acquiesce in the required manner lol, but the way He is and the actions He takes inspire me to at least try and be/do what He wants quite a bit more often.

We were together a long time before starting our journey into D/s. But I think you learn a lot more about someone when they are in a position of power. What's the saying, "All power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely"? Alpha is pretty easygoing, generally forgiving, and, unlike some of us, ahem, can handle not getting His way. When He's bending down to open the door for some little old lady, you would never know He spent the night before whacking me with unpleasant implements for resisting "His way."

When people are experiencing something traumatic, are powerless, are in a position of power, or have become truly desperate, is when you find out what they are really made of.
I have learned that Alpha's not quite as soft as He comes off.

And I have also learned that there are no experiences that can compare to cruelty mixed with compassion, Domination combined with mercy, primal need tempered by love, the quandary of submission and strength, the enigma that is life as both princess and slut, and the insanely painful yet rewarding experiences that come when you live your life in complete honesty with another human being.

A weekend of first's--yea yea, still rambling vanilla

October of last year would have been my parents 30th anniversary. My mom was really depressed and we knew she had one thing on her bucket list that she had wanted to do for years--she wanted to see a U2 concert. So we bought her tickets (one for her, one for me, because you can't send grandma to a concert with 80,0000 people alone). The concert was yesterday and it was full of firsts for us both.

There are many people in this world who are comfortable in the city and used to large crowds. My mother and I are not among them lol. Give me a one lane mountain road with two feet of snow and the local boys killing elk out back and brawling in someone's yard--I'm comfortable with that lol.
Denver and a concert with 80,000 people in attendance and no Alpha? Ummm, completely out of my comfort zone lol. I have never been to a really big event without Alpha, and never to something that big at all. I'm used to having Him behind me fending off the drunks, not being next to my tiny mom and holding back the crowd around her. On the bright side, the concert was phenomenal, I didn't have to beat up the drunk girl, and my moms is still on cloud nine.

We got out and went in search of a taxi. my mom was having problems with her legs so I left her in a very specific spot to go find out where the taxi's would line up. When I returned she had moved and I couldn't find her. It was like being a little kid lost in the grocery store in reverse. All I could think was "shit, I lost grandma, why isn't she tall, and Alpha is going to yell at me!" I knew I would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about her.
I finally found her (30 feet away from where I left her, swallowed up by the masses lol). Then after an hour we were told no cabs were coming because of an accident that blocked the road in and directed to a rail station where the event staff said we would find a taxi.
Lol. As we were passing under the bridge and through the dark alleys of Denver at midnight I was deeply regretting my decision to leave my purse and its variety of weaponry at the hotel. After all, I could have put it All in her purse and they would have let her into the concert anyways lol. Honestly, I think she was high on music, because I don't know how else she made it the mile of walking it took to find a real street corner and get a taxi.

It was the first time my mom and I had ever done anything like that together and all in all it was a great experience--I didn't lose grandma (momentarily misplacing does NOT count), we had a blast, and made it back home fine. And hey, it's good to know that I can take care of myself and someone else somewhere completely outside of everything I know and live right.

I was acutely reminded of all that I get out of my relationship with Alpha. Sometimes I'm irritable about my place--the fact that He gets His way and I don't drives me up the wall when I'm feeling pissy and I have been pretty pissy lately (no watersports jokes!) lol.
But there is nothing compared to the sense of security I have when Alpha is with me.

I take pride in my ability to take care of myself in any situation I may be in.
Some people's parents just want there kids to be happy, some want them to become doctors or lawyers. My dad? All he wanted was for me to be able to take care of myself. And that ability is a huge part of who I am.
But nothing can replace or compare to the safety and security I feel in Alpha's presence. So, not getting my way aside lol, I love what belonging to Him does for me.

It was one hell of an experience and I glad I did it. And it's good to be back home where I belong with my head on His shoulder.

A successful Morning

 This will most likely be completely boring for the rest of the world...But it was great for me lol.

After experiencing the luxury of sleeping all night in my very own big girl bed, I continued the theme. It wasn't exactly in line with my grand design of accomplishing a shitload of stuff for the day, but hey, I was on a roll.

While I made the odd mixture for my hair the kids fluttered around offering opinions--"are you making dinner? You're not really going to put that on your hair are you mom?? Hey, you said we were almost out of eggs (in their defense, it did look suspiciously like something you throw in a skillet. And if there's one thing they know about mom, it's that she does Not waste food.), eww your hair is Ickyyyyy."
When I decided to go all out and began macerating up herbs for my face, they began thinking mom had really gone off the deep end. I was asked again if I was making dinner, then I was informed that my face was "very very icky mom."
When I proceeded to lie down on the couch with my feet up? They knew something was really wrong with me.
In fact, the little one assured me that I was going to be okay...while attempting to stab me repeatedly with a pencil.

Then I washed out the mess and started to cut my hair. And my beloved offspring scattered like flies.

All around, I would say that I had a very successful, if somewhat unproductive, morning.

Miracles!

Several small miracles happened in the last twelve hours (Yea yea, so what if my miracles are your everyday occurrences, makes them no less miraculous. Hmph).

Miracle #1.
I slept in my bed ALL night and didn't have to get up for the little guy once. Umm, did you hear that?
I SLEPT 8 HOURS STRAIGHT!

Miracle #2.
I woke up next to my Husband. Yea, it's been since the last time my mom watched our kids (Valentines Day), that one of us was Not on the couch when we woke up.

Miracle #3.
My eldest son got up with the little guy this morning and kept him happy until I got up.
Yea, he gets extra cake for that one. Suddenly homeschooling is a lot more rewarding than it was yesterday when I was arguing with him over that Science paper.

Miracle #4.
Alpha woke me up and fucked me in the middle of the night and I loved it. To understand the momentousness of this event, you must know that I absolutely Hate being woken up for sex. I'm not turned on, I'm sleep deprived, I get resentful and huffy say things I don't mean in the light of day. I spend the whole time waiting for it to be over even though it's a fairly rare event.
I have no idea what He did to me before I woke up, but to say I was ready and willing would be an understatement. Instead of begging for it to be over, I was begging to cum. And then I slept like a friggin rock. All night. In my own bed!!

So, while my small miracles may be everyday events for some of you, I'm taking what I can get and running with it because I am in a better mood this morning than I have been in ages.

Would it be pushing it to send a special request to the Universe for these small miracles to become everyday occurrences?

One of Those Mothers

I forgot I wrote a post late last night and set it to auto post, so I have two in one day because I'm feeling mouthy lol.
My son plays soccer. He has ever since he was old enough to be on a team and he loves it. His first coach was good--easygoing but ran them through drills and always showed up (I have since learned not to take that for granted, though it does seem pretty basic). His second coach was phenomenal (poor kids never been on the same team twice), he taught the kids so much about working as a team, how the game is played, sportsmanship, and really helped them improve their game. This last coach? Well he sucks ass and his wife is a bitch (judgment is a human trait remember, and I gots it bad lol). The man hardly ever shows up to practice or games, gives no notice that he isn't going to be there, and has done nothing to help improve the kids skills (in fact, another parent who actually knows how to play got mad at him because, well, he doesn't know how to).
His wife got mad because we did the team pictures on a day he didn't bother to show up. Actually, she got mad at a lady who was about 8 months pregnant. I thought we were going to have to scrape her off the field and hope her insurance covered attacks by rabidly pissed off pregnant women (not that I would have objected or anything...'cuz maybe I'm not so kind at heart).
After the last practice without a coach I got mad. Yea, big surprise, lil lost her temper. sigh. Anyways, I sent a pissed off polite email off to the president of the league detailing my issues with the coach and demanding  requesting a written guarantee that my son never be coached by him again. I still haven't gotten a response lol.

But really, some of these kids absolutely love the game and have great potential. Potential that is being squandered. I don't pay for it because I love hauling my ass out of bed at 6:00 every Saturday, or so my kid can go and not learn a damn thing while being continually disappointed--I pay for it because he's dedicated, he loves it, and he's got potential to be quite good.

I'm thinking a letter to the editor of the local news might be pushing it a bit?

Submission and Weakness

My blog had an identity crisis. Maybe I'm having one too. The font I really liked? It was unreadable. I had to squint and turn my head just right, and guess what the letters were. So I couldn't keep it lol. I went to town on Alpha's blog too lol (hey, He looked over my shoulder and said "yes" or "no")
Anyhow...

I was thinking about weakness and submission.
A couple of my favorite blogs seem to have been found by people who feel themselves in need of attention and for whatever reason, thought the best way to get it would be by putting excessive effort into telling the blog owners just how weak and worthless they are. Now another blog I read has a post up about her husband thinking her weak for submitting.
So of course, that dangerous obsession I have with thinking reared it's snotty little head, and I discovered that I have quite a bit to say about submission and weakness.

I used to be afraid that submitting to Alpha would be an expression of weakness. That it showed my character to be lacking in strength and He would love me less for it.
I have since come to believe that anyone who thinks submission comes from weakness, has never tried it. Do you know how hard it can be to do as you are told?! To put complete trust in someone else's judgement and just go with the friggin flow, to let things you find unpleasant be done to you because you have chosen to be submissive?? And there it is, simplistic in it's complexity--submission is a choice. And you have to be strong enough to make that choice for yourself.

Being submissive doesn't mean that I'm locked in the basement without human contact, that I have no mind of my own, or that I get to stroll around like a thoughtless robot while Alpha makes all the decisions and choices in our lives. I make decisions on a daily basis. I work (hating it doesn't count lol, I still get my ass out there and do it), when Alpha is down I try to lift Him up, when the shit hits the fan I do what needs to be done and cry about it later, when someone else drops the ball I pick it up and resist the urge to throw it at their head.

Being submissive takes courage. And submission can itself bring us courage.

After I discovered that being submissive didn't mean I was weak, I struggled to come to terms with the thought that Alpha would believe that it made me weak and respect me less for it.
At the same time, I think He was having some difficulties Himself--reconciling the fact that His queen was now His whore and would forevermore be both. There is great reward in having a queen on her knees at your feet. In that we become an enigma--but it is possible to live happily as such.

Dominance and submission are a circular arrangement wherein one cannot exist without the other. Without Dominance there is no submission. Without submission there is no Dominance.

A submissive does not walk down the street bending to the will of all who cross their path. There are plenty of vanilla people in the world who do not submit to a Dominant--yet they allow the world to walk all over them. And they are not happier or better off for it.
From my own life and what I have observed about other submissives, I have come to believe that, for the most part, subs are Dominant outside of their relationships--they manage businesses, employees, large families, etc. They take charge. And submission is a retreat from that. It offers us a part of life where we don't have to be in charge, where we cannot exert control, a reality where we are whatever our Dominant chooses.

Submitting is a haven from the world for those who quite often live a life otherwise in command (and if they don't, so what?). It becomes part of who we are. It's an expression of devotion that's not always enjoyable and is by no means easy. It is a place where we can show who and what we truly are and still be loved. That's not to say that it doesn't change you, or you aren't ever made to change (changing for someone you love is not abnormal. People in vanilla relationships do it all the time. It just doesn't seem to work quite the same).
And sure, some of us are damaged, but there are plenty of damaged people. They just tend to have a problem admitting it lol.

We are the people the weak come to for help. 

We are the women who the strong come knocking for to back them up. 

We are the children who sit by the sides of our dying parents and console those who come to mourn.

We are the mothers who bare our teeth in defense of our children.

We are the raging sisters who stand off someone else's abusive husband in the night.

We are the wives who so many run to in the dark.

We are the ones who, above all others, have our Dominants back.

We are survivors.

We are submissives

and submission is not born of weakness.

Everyone and every relationship is different. Your way isn't my way and that's okay. I think it's a human trait to judge others, but it's not a very admirable one. No one is strong in all circumstances at all times. But we are who we are and that's just another part of being human.

Quit trying

We were curled up in bed last night. I was craving that particular mixture of Dominance and tenderness. And I couldn't say it, I couldn't tell Him that was what I needed to get back into my place--a helping touch, a little talk, just a few simple moments in the dark.

Alpha asked me what was wrong in that tender sweet tone of voice that makes me melt and feel really bad if I can't come up with words. I told Him that I just couldn't seem to find the path back to my place no matter how hard I tried.

His response was "quit trying then." So I did. And you know what? I found my way back.

A soft touch, a Dominating demand, a little small talk in the dark. Funny what can happen when you quit striving and just Be.

Topping from the bottom and other random shit

Alpha has been put out with me because I've been outrageously rather un-submissive lately. My head is just...not there (everywhere else in the damn world mind you, but not "there").
I objected to His chosen methods of putting me in my place and was told that I was attempting to top from the bottom. I could argue that I wasn't, but that won't get me any points lol.

It did get me to thinking though (a dangerous pastime, I know), anyways, I started wondering about the line between helping someone understand what you need and topping from the bottom.

Where exactly is that line? Perhaps it's somewhere in between stating what you need and just trying to get your way. Maybe it is completely dependent on circumstances and approach, on the individual relationship and dynamic. It could just all be in the phrasing and approach (I have, quite obviously, not thought this through very much lol. I may revisit the topic tomorrow).

Alpha hasn't been in the best space. I have been in a worse space.
Part of me resents that He doesn't know exactly what I need--because He usually does. Well, He knows what I need--to get my "stubborn disobedient little ass back in it's place," but achieving it? Not going so smoothly at the moment. Yea, I know that one could sensibly argue that He's not a mind reader, but He could be...(I have been told that it's really observation, but close enough, geez lol).
There's another part of me, a big part, which thinks that after five years of ttwd, I shouldn't be so dependent on Him to put me back in my place. After all, I do know where exactly that is...I just can't seem to haul my ass out of the trees and get back on the path.

I suppose some subs fall right in line and stay there. Me? I realize that I'm not easy to own. I'm a lot of damn work. I don't try to be, but maybe that's part of who I am. Worse, *shudder*, I could just be a slow learner.

Eden Fantasys review--Instruments of evil, Oops, I mean "nipple clamps"

 Well, Eden Fantasys doesn't have them labeled as instruments of evil, but they most certainly are!
Okay, so I got to choose the toy for review this time. I exercised questionable judgment at best. At worst I added the most awful little instruments of pain in the whole damn toy box. And I was ridiculously naive about it too--"Oh I would just love to review those!" Hah. Would love to review once in a lifetime and return to sender lol.
We got the "Fresh Jaws Nipple Clamps." So what if the name and description should have made me run. I was presented with a nice little variety of sex toys to choose from...Apparently I'm not as cautious as I should be lol. For someone who loves pain, these things are great. For someone who has a love-hate relationship with pain...Well, I think I have been cured of my moderate masochistic tendencies. I could have chosen a different kind of nipple clamps, but I was feeling extra stupid brave that day and went after these with a gusto that has now been viciously sensuously pinched out of me.

Fresh Jaws Nipple Clamps, also known to me personally, as "instruments of evil"

As you can see, they are rather pretty and deceptively cute. Eden Fantasys says that, in all, these pretty little clamps only weigh 1 1/2 ounces. When Alpha put them on me I would have sworn they weighed a hell of a lot more than that lol. The whole thing is metal except for the bumpy rubber coating right where they latch on. They are pretty thin and don't look quite as sturdy as the chain, but I think that if you haven't made it to the "guy with a chainsaw" stage of pain enjoyment, they are a lot sturdier than they look. The sadistic bastard Alpha experimented a bit with pulling the chain, and I can tell you, these are Not going to accidentally fall off. They stay where you put them (much to my awe and dismay). You can get inventive (inventiveness is totally overrated btw), and also apply them to, ahem, other parts if you're so inclined. That makes them pretty versatile as far as toys go--lots of, ummm, options.
I have seen lots of toys that are just tacky--they are cheaply made, don't do the things they are advertised to, break when you look at them, and are pretty much made for child's play or the weak minded lol.
I can safely say, that these nipple clamps possess none of those qualities.

Personally, I think these are best used when you have the time to warm up first. Pain becomes much more tolerable and enjoyable when you start out easy and work your way up (or down as I think of it). Jumping straight in with these was kind of rough.
Also, I came fairly close to waking up the kids, so if you are a masochistic wuss like me, it's probably a good idea to employ a gag, add extra insulation to your walls (by far the most expensive option lol, though given the price of childcare...), or play with them in an otherwise empty house lol.

Alpha was  pretty happy about them because He finally found a toy that could be used for punishment and be completely Not enjoyable for me. The riding crop, the whip, even the belt, all cause a kind of pain that I can successfully get off on. These clamps? With working up to it and having them on for a short (and I do mean short) period of time, I could probably get off on them. Not working up to it and having them left on for a little while longer? I think I'll do anything to avoid them lol.

If you truly enjoy pain, giving or receiving, then these are a great little addition to the toy box. If pain really isn't your thing and you want to experiment with nipple clamps, I would start out with something a little less intense.

Functioning within reality

I read a post this afternoon that kind of inspired me ("A Dominant Character" listed over on the right). It got me thinking about my current head-space (which, quite frankly leaves a lot to be desired).

Reality is eating me alive lol. Really. It's become this all-consuming melee of chaos. And the farther I get from the sometimes unreal feeling of the magic that is us? The more shutdown I feel. And it's odd you know, because after a certain point of focusing constantly on the realities of life, the less willing I am to step back into my place.

It's not as if it goes anywhere. It's always there floating below the surface. But I begin to fear it's reemergence, no matter how much I crave...those feelings that transcend words, the moments where time is obsolete, that place where I belong to Him and there's nothing else in the world.

When Alpha found Himself without work, it did wonders for our dynamic. We progressed and grew in it at a rate I could have only dreamed of. Incredible and magical things happened with our relationship and the way we live and experience ttwd. Because He actually had the time and energy to put into our evolution.
It's been almost a year now. And I dunno, not working and watching me struggle along with the goal of survival paycheck to paycheck is beginning to wear on Him. He lived His life as the provider. And when He's not the one doing it all Himself? He gets down. I don't want to go back to those days of never seeing Him. But it's becoming apparent to me, that not working at least some, isn't healthy for Him. It's just not who He is.

And me? Oh I suck at moving between worlds. From Dominant control freak at work to submissive wife at home...I admire those who do it with ease, but I am not one of them.

We live within a reality that encompasses children (nobody told me it would be so damn hard to find someone willing to keep them overnight more than twice a year lol), and a load of other real life-type shit lol. But the fantasy that is the reality of our relationship? It is, in no small part, what I live and love for. We have weathered almost 13 years together. And I wouldn't trade Him for any other fantasy or reality on this earth.

Seriously?

 There are more interesting reads listed over on the right. You have had fair warning lol.

I often think that I have a bad habit of constantly questioning things. Occasionally, it does pay off though. I had my job interview yesterday...and I doubt they will call me back...because I quickly lost the urge to impress. On the surface it was great. A decent salary position working three days a week. Then I asked that little question that changed everything "when you are here four weeks at a time and you want me here seven days a week the whole time (yes, twenty-eight days straight, two to four times a year), do the extra days turn into hourly pay or is it all the base salary received when only working three days a week?" Ummm. Still base salary. When you calculate that in? it works out to about four dollars an hour. On one hand, I was horrified that I didn't want the job after all, on the other hand, I won't be disappointed if I don't get it lol.

It never ceases to amaze me how cheap the ridiculously rich tend to be lol.

On the bright side, Alpha may get some work out of it. It's a totally different ballgame paying a contractor. And they want a fair amount of work done. Though, if He bids it and they want to pay him a quarter of His price? It will be more lucrative for me to find a job as a waitress. I have already mentioned the idea...Alpha and my mother both laughed at me!? Incredibly rude of them. Just because I have a problem serving others and am klutzy enough to drop and break anything on a regular basis. Pfftt, I bet I could last two whole weeks tyvm!

Yea, I came home and got a bit desperate because my hours are about to get cut (yes, I'm in charge of scheduling and I could cut the other employee's hours to make room for the incoming person, but I refuse to be responsible for the loss of his house and I have a better chance at finding a second job than he does).
I'm no good at this work thing. The mom thing? Got it down pretty good, even with the whole questionable sanity bit. Providing? I totally suck at it.
I'm not sure that never giving up qualifies as a job skill. But it damn well should lol.

Sleeping in

When you're a mom you get two days a year to sleep in--your birthday and Mothers Day (unless you are one of those lucky people who actually has someone willing to watch your little monsters on a regular basis). Of course, Murphy's Law states that I will, on such lovely and wondrous occasions, wake up at the ass crack of dawn and not be able to get back to sleep lol.
The first words I heard from the little man and Alpha this morning? "What are you doing up??" It's a valid question because I had every intention of sleeping until ten, cozy in the knowledge that I have to leave the house by 7:00 AM tomorrow. Yea, when I'm getting up at five tomorrow, I'll be kicking myself for today. Actually, scratch that, I'll be spending the next year wistfully thinking about next Mothers Day--when I'm sure to sleep in...until 8:00 lol.

On the bright side, no cleaning or cooking for me today, which is a wonderful thing. And then there's also the nice little perk that Alpha will make the coffee.

Intention is (almost) everything

Ttwd is very much about intent. It changes everything and shapes the experiences within a BDSM oriented relationship.
The intentions behind actions largely determine their outcome and impacts. Take humiliation for instance, if the intent behind it is to make someone a lesser being, to break their spirit and crush who they are, without thought for their well-being, then it's not a healthy thing at all right? If the intent is to remind another of their place, to exercise one's rights over that person, to somehow deepen the connection (insert description here. I'm still trying to get a handle on the workings of humiliation lol), then it can have very different consequences.

The focus behind a gentle touch, the intent of a slap in the face--it changes what that action becomes, what it does to the person on the receiving end. If Alpha were to slap me in anger during one of those rare knock-down-drag-out fights, that would be a problem. But, while He does slap me (on a fairly regular basis I might add), it's not done in anger. Sometimes in displeasure yes, but never anger. And those tender touches? Yes, they feel good, but if there is focused intent behind them, they make your hair stand on end and send shivers down your spine.

I have focused mainly on Dominant intentions, but what about the other end? I have come to believe that the intent behind submission is just as important as the act of submission itself. Less blatantly noticeable than those from the Dominant side, but they still matter within the context of the relationship. Submission can be lovely, it can be reluctant, it can be scary, it can be primal, it can be selfish. If we submit only for what we get out of it, doesn't that effect the quality of our submission? I believe that, by definition, submission is undertaken not only for our need of it, but for the service of another (yes yes, I'm not getting any service awards, I know lol).

When the intent behind our submission is based solely on our wants, does it not lose value? It's good to know what you want. Even better to know what you need. I gots lots of wants (told you no service awards for me), and a fair amount of needs. I try not to get stuck in my wants, and make a great deal of effort to recognize my needs. But they aren't always compatible (totally rude right). Anyways...

It's true what they say, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But I am doubtful about how, ahem, "good" Alpha's intentions are anyways lol.

Intention isn't everything, but it does play a big part in ttwd.

Down to five--life stuff

So, out of the 40-50 people who did preliminary interviews for the position I'm applying for, I made it into the final five who will get interviews with the homeowners (I know, "final five," see, with a little bit of effort, it is possible to make anything sound exciting lol). I go Monday morning. And we shall see!
For now? It's off to the shitty great job I have while Alpha repairs my car so I probably won't see home for a few days again.
That's all I gots today lol.

The Attractions of Addiction

 While I do have physical cravings, for the most part, I crave things that have very little to do with physical interactions. True, there's nothing quite like walking through the kitchen innocently minding my own business , and finding myself grabbed by the throat and pushed up against a wall (yes, I may have just erroneously suggested that I actually have business that's my own and called myself innocent, all in one sentence. Pffbbtt). Yet at the same time, what I crave about such moments is the mindset it puts me in. How those little reminders of my place and His make me feel inside. Not just the incredible physical sensation of having His hand wrapped around my throat (yes, my throat's still all jacked up, can you tell I've been missing certain things lol).

What I'm getting at in my own roundabout way, it that I crave the mental and energetic aspects of ttwd far more than the physical. Physical activities, while enjoyable (well, you know...), are often just another path to results that have very little to do with the body. In the beginning I think that I kind of resented that what Alpha enjoys most about our dynamic is control.
Somewhere along the line my feelings shifted and I realized that, while it is necessary for me to be able to exert control in daily life and the outside world, His control gives me a sense of safety and stability that I did not otherwise have. And physical control has very little to do with it.
It's kind of like being tied up versus  lying on your stomach and being told not to move your hands from behind your back--being tied up is great, but the mental control another person has to have over you to keep you still without physical bonds? That's even better. It becomes less superficial and goes below the surface aspects of experience. Because, no matter how close your bodies get, you can't be closer than when another person is inside your head.

Yesterday I talked a bit about space. I call it that for lack of a better word, but it's more like a shifting of consciousness. One that I am sure there are many paths to, with BDSM being just one. I think that it's a fairly human trait to reach for a higher sense of being; though many of us may lack it (ahem, evolution can be a painful process that some of us would just rather skip I suppose).

And I have said before that Dominance and submission is kind of like a drug--complete with a high and it's own addictive qualities.
So, while we're (yea, me, myself and I) comparing Dominance and submission (or BDSM overall for that matter) to drugs, from observing the overall effects, it turns into something that is more than a recreational experience. It becomes like a drug that is used not only for a certain sense of enjoyment, but for it's beneficial impacts (like heart medication or other drugs used for the physical or mental well-being they create). Like any drug, abuse or misuse can have terrible, even fatal, consequences. But done right? It can have miraculous and life changing results.

Of course, one of the big problems with recreational drugs, psychedelics specifically (besides the fact that it is an experience outside of reality, not within it), is that you think you have all the answers, but you can't really bring them back with you to the real world. But when ttwd becomes a way of life, the answers are always there, even if they can be difficult to grasp, and the experience becomes an integral part of the real world.

And I can hear the straight edged people cringing and criticizing my choice of drugs as an analogy. In fact, I could probably feed them their own arguments almost verbatim. But that's okay, because those same people are the ones most likely using ones from over the counter for health or maybe not so much. And I think my analogy is fitting; though, just for the record...
I'm not big on drugs. And personally, I think that I have been a very good girl on that front. Lol.

But I do have a bit of an addiction. And luckily for me? Supply and demand is not in my hands.

Stillness of Being

Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.

Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.

Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.

Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.

Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.

Vanilla chocolate swirl

Alright, I decided not to let my poor little blog drown completely in vanilla ramblings so maybe this will be a vanilla chocolate swirl post lol.

I've been sick a lot lately and it has impacted a great deal about how Alpha and I interact. The physical aspects are the first to noticeably diminish, then being sick goes to my head (yea yea, haha), and other areas become compromised. I haven't ever been sick for this long, so it's been new to us both and Alpha's been really sweet about it (You know, only minor accusations of being depraved deprived). But He's getting touchy and I'm getting...Oh hell, I just plain don't want to submit (yes, I have admitted to the cardinal sin of submission, well I'm sure there's more than one lol, but anyways...I said "I don't want to").
At the same time? I'm angsty and figity, and just generally cranky. And I know it's because what I want and what I need aren't always the same thing. I need D/s. Without it we aren't as good, I'm not as stable, I'm not as happy, and I just feel...off.

Now, I realize this is getting a little bit "meme" (which I'm okay with lol, because it's my blog, but I'm trying to view this in a wider context), but in the big picture of how we live and what life's like, it's not great for us when our D/s becomes so buried. It doesn't just disappear--it has become a part of who we are and how we live our lives. But sometimes it gets muted. And I feel like a puzzle missing edge pieces. It's harder to put the puzzle together, and without the edge pieces, the picture falls apart easily...Lacking a frame to keep it all together. D/s may be only part of the puzzle, but it has become our frame--those few precious pieces that hold the picture together with us as the corner-stones.

What I want is not always what I may need. And Alpha has made it quite clear in the past that He's willing to take my wants into consideration (when He wants to haha), but He's not obliged too. He feels that needs are His responsibility, not wants. And normally? I'm really okay with that. I even rather appreciate it as a given part of our dynamic...except for when I just don't want to lol.

Though...Ooh lala, we'll be getting some cruel cool little nipple clamps to review here soon, so I had better get my ass back on board here soon huh.

Work and Politics in the vanilla world

So I had my job interview today. The caretakers are interviewing approximately 50 people (no competition there huh lol), and will narrow it down to five for the home owners to interview and choose from. Four houses, 18 bathrooms, and upwards of thirty beds is nothing to scoff at lol, and the caretakers weren't clear on whether or not I would be expected there seven days a week the whole time the owners are in town (yea, three weeks in one go is not my idea of a job I can manage. I'm still human dammit lol) but it sounds like a good position so I will just wait and see.
Ironically, when you google my name, you get my son's birth announcement, and a number of environmental articles I wrote regarding the importance of industry regulation. Google the homeowners, and you see that the family business happens to be in the very same industry. So even though the caretakers liked me and will recommend me for a final interview, the homeowners may not like my views as displayed by google lol. I figure that I'll go by the philosophy that if I don't get it, it wouldn't have worked out anyway, and if I do? Good by counting overused pharmaceuticals and constantly catering to unnecessary and unreasonable demands eight hours a day (that would be restricted to five or six times a year, minus the meds. Imagine...).

And that my dear readers, is the extent of life's recent excitement around here--exciting for me, boring to read lol.