Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Functioning within reality

I read a post this afternoon that kind of inspired me ("A Dominant Character" listed over on the right). It got me thinking about my current head-space (which, quite frankly leaves a lot to be desired).

Reality is eating me alive lol. Really. It's become this all-consuming melee of chaos. And the farther I get from the sometimes unreal feeling of the magic that is us? The more shutdown I feel. And it's odd you know, because after a certain point of focusing constantly on the realities of life, the less willing I am to step back into my place.

It's not as if it goes anywhere. It's always there floating below the surface. But I begin to fear it's reemergence, no matter how much I crave...those feelings that transcend words, the moments where time is obsolete, that place where I belong to Him and there's nothing else in the world.

When Alpha found Himself without work, it did wonders for our dynamic. We progressed and grew in it at a rate I could have only dreamed of. Incredible and magical things happened with our relationship and the way we live and experience ttwd. Because He actually had the time and energy to put into our evolution.
It's been almost a year now. And I dunno, not working and watching me struggle along with the goal of survival paycheck to paycheck is beginning to wear on Him. He lived His life as the provider. And when He's not the one doing it all Himself? He gets down. I don't want to go back to those days of never seeing Him. But it's becoming apparent to me, that not working at least some, isn't healthy for Him. It's just not who He is.

And me? Oh I suck at moving between worlds. From Dominant control freak at work to submissive wife at home...I admire those who do it with ease, but I am not one of them.

We live within a reality that encompasses children (nobody told me it would be so damn hard to find someone willing to keep them overnight more than twice a year lol), and a load of other real life-type shit lol. But the fantasy that is the reality of our relationship? It is, in no small part, what I live and love for. We have weathered almost 13 years together. And I wouldn't trade Him for any other fantasy or reality on this earth.


  1. Life just sucks sometimes....we all wear a lot of hats, mom, boss, slave....and ya it's overwhelming.


  2. The closets never empty, too many hats lol.
    Thank you, mouse.


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