Saturday, May 14, 2011

Topping from the bottom and other random shit

Alpha has been put out with me because I've been outrageously rather un-submissive lately. My head is just...not there (everywhere else in the damn world mind you, but not "there").
I objected to His chosen methods of putting me in my place and was told that I was attempting to top from the bottom. I could argue that I wasn't, but that won't get me any points lol.

It did get me to thinking though (a dangerous pastime, I know), anyways, I started wondering about the line between helping someone understand what you need and topping from the bottom.

Where exactly is that line? Perhaps it's somewhere in between stating what you need and just trying to get your way. Maybe it is completely dependent on circumstances and approach, on the individual relationship and dynamic. It could just all be in the phrasing and approach (I have, quite obviously, not thought this through very much lol. I may revisit the topic tomorrow).

Alpha hasn't been in the best space. I have been in a worse space.
Part of me resents that He doesn't know exactly what I need--because He usually does. Well, He knows what I need--to get my "stubborn disobedient little ass back in it's place," but achieving it? Not going so smoothly at the moment. Yea, I know that one could sensibly argue that He's not a mind reader, but He could be...(I have been told that it's really observation, but close enough, geez lol).
There's another part of me, a big part, which thinks that after five years of ttwd, I shouldn't be so dependent on Him to put me back in my place. After all, I do know where exactly that is...I just can't seem to haul my ass out of the trees and get back on the path.

I suppose some subs fall right in line and stay there. Me? I realize that I'm not easy to own. I'm a lot of damn work. I don't try to be, but maybe that's part of who I am. Worse, *shudder*, I could just be a slow learner.


  1. I posted about this a little bit ago on my blog,wondering where the line was between telling needs and taking control...I was assured it was in the approach. I too am a stubborn slave who needs to be put in place and fight it every step of the way...There are times when I wonder how often Master will snatch me up like Homer does Bart when we're living together...I don't think either of us are slow learners, we just are who we have to be to survive. *hugs*

  2. Maybe instead of trying to force submission you both could try a different approach. Take a small break from the D/s and play at being vanilla for a weekend or something. Could give you a fresh outlook?

  3. I think part of the difference in communicating needs vs. topping from the bottom is that one is done to influence how you are submissive or how he is Dominant, while one is given from a place of submission that is intended to help him make decisions in the future. It's not expecting a certain outcome - it's a providing of facts so that if a decision comes up where those facts are needed, he's able to make the best decision in the moment.

    I guess you could look at it as whether the comments are being shared in a method just designed to help him understand you better - or if they're being shared in a method that is you trying to control or influence his decisions in the present or future. Information and communication is great - but you don't want to jump over the edge to where you expect that your comments are going to have a certain effect.

    So I guess the simple answer is, the difference lies both in the attitude you share info with, and expectation of the response you'll get?

    I think all submissives struggle more from time to time - in a way I think it's part of the dance - the need to learn a new step or go back to basics if distraction has entered the picture.

    *Gentle hugs*

  4. I think the difference is between telling and nagging about it. So you tell, and maybe you even try to persuade, but you don't nag if you don't get it your way. Easier to say than to do. Good luck.

  5. I think it's in the way you talk about it. The tone, the attitude and the sincerity....

    I'm a lot of damn work! So don't worry you have company :)

    I like your blog a lot.


  6. agog, what you said about just being who we have to be to survive really struck me. Because it's true. And if you are constantly malleable, the worlds will eat you alive lol.

    Mockingbird, things have been going pretty vanilla for a while now starting with the month when I was constantly sick and it just kind of carried on. But I do think that a bit different of an approach turned out to be a very good thing.

    Emilie, I agree. Delivery is a big part. And so are expectations of the outcome.

    sin, good point. Ahem, I may have a slightly habitual issue with the whole "nagging" bit. Every now and then the tendency rears it's ugly head and the results are not pretty.
    Thank you.

    Alujna, welcome to my crazy corner. Glad you enjoy it. I think it's kind of a fine line--someone who submits without variety or questioning, or having to work at it a little, would be boring (or so I am told), yet who wants to fight constantly to keep someone where they want to be anyways?

    And, umm, yes, I was wanting my own outcome, lacking sincerity, nagging a bit, and really was trying to say I thought He was doing things wrong, not help Him see clearly where I was at.

    Ahem, He broke a cheap wooden spatula on my ass lol.


Play nice.