Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dreams and squirmy things

Minimum payments haven't been made on anything for months and collectors start calling first thing in the morning. The upside to this is that you're to busy wishing you could sleep and praying that there will be some payments made come next paycheck, so you don't really remember your dreams.

Umm, this morning I did remember some rather hazy dreams. The kind of stuff that made me choke on my coffee and turn bright red while checking to see if anybody in my immediate vicinity was currently mind reading. Luckily Alpha was still in bed, so no one was lol.

I tend not to have...dreams like that lol. To compound the coffee choking and hot tomato sensation that accompanied my hazy remembrance, I also got to enjoy that particular squirmy feeling that comes with admitting something to Alpha that I really don't want to lol. Because...In part of the dream I'm standing next to Alpha, He has His hand around the back of my neck, He's asking me something, and controlling the way I turn my head. I'm looking at two men. They happen to be the same man (hey, it's dreamland. They could have been purple too). One doesn't interest me at all, the other...Well, I'm telling Alpha that I would fuck the other one (enter extremely squirmy feeling during waking realizations lol).
I thought it was kind of interesting though, because the two men in my dream were the same person, but one was clearly darker, Dominant...different. The other had the same physical appearance (okay, minus black leather jacket lol), different everything though...softer and less intense.

And there, I think, is my little peek into the abyss of attraction and one of the reasons I tend to go out of my way to avoid other Dominant men. Because it fucks with the slut in me. And while Alpha has clearly seen it all and probably knows better than I do, it's difficult to admit directly--what I find attractive and pushes my buttons. Then again, it's one thing to admit it. Another thing completely to actually show it.

Though I do suspect that if I spent a bit more time accepting that part of me, I would be able to squash my jealous tendencies more effectively. Because that's part of being human right? Attraction. And it's not an exclusive experience. Trying to make it so has a tendency of repressing parts of who we are. And after all, attraction isn't everything by any means--a serial killer could be attractive, but you don't want to marry him and say "you own me, do whatever you want with me" lol.

But it all just goes to show--I will find the most gorgeous man in the world completely unattractive if he hasn't got the intensity and that certain something that you see when looking at a Dominant man.
And no matter who I may see as attractive? Alpha knows it before I do. And I don't belong to any of them, nor do I want to. And He knows that too. Hmm, excessive use of "and."

Now I'll post on the way out the door and hope that Alpha reads while I'm not home so that I don't have to squirm and feel like I'm boiling in the lobster pot for the entire time it takes Him to read this (He really could work on that whole speed reading thing sheesh).

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Play nice.