Monday, May 16, 2011

Submission and Weakness

My blog had an identity crisis. Maybe I'm having one too. The font I really liked? It was unreadable. I had to squint and turn my head just right, and guess what the letters were. So I couldn't keep it lol. I went to town on Alpha's blog too lol (hey, He looked over my shoulder and said "yes" or "no")

I was thinking about weakness and submission.
A couple of my favorite blogs seem to have been found by people who feel themselves in need of attention and for whatever reason, thought the best way to get it would be by putting excessive effort into telling the blog owners just how weak and worthless they are. Now another blog I read has a post up about her husband thinking her weak for submitting.
So of course, that dangerous obsession I have with thinking reared it's snotty little head, and I discovered that I have quite a bit to say about submission and weakness.

I used to be afraid that submitting to Alpha would be an expression of weakness. That it showed my character to be lacking in strength and He would love me less for it.
I have since come to believe that anyone who thinks submission comes from weakness, has never tried it. Do you know how hard it can be to do as you are told?! To put complete trust in someone else's judgement and just go with the friggin flow, to let things you find unpleasant be done to you because you have chosen to be submissive?? And there it is, simplistic in it's complexity--submission is a choice. And you have to be strong enough to make that choice for yourself.

Being submissive doesn't mean that I'm locked in the basement without human contact, that I have no mind of my own, or that I get to stroll around like a thoughtless robot while Alpha makes all the decisions and choices in our lives. I make decisions on a daily basis. I work (hating it doesn't count lol, I still get my ass out there and do it), when Alpha is down I try to lift Him up, when the shit hits the fan I do what needs to be done and cry about it later, when someone else drops the ball I pick it up and resist the urge to throw it at their head.

Being submissive takes courage. And submission can itself bring us courage.

After I discovered that being submissive didn't mean I was weak, I struggled to come to terms with the thought that Alpha would believe that it made me weak and respect me less for it.
At the same time, I think He was having some difficulties Himself--reconciling the fact that His queen was now His whore and would forevermore be both. There is great reward in having a queen on her knees at your feet. In that we become an enigma--but it is possible to live happily as such.

Dominance and submission are a circular arrangement wherein one cannot exist without the other. Without Dominance there is no submission. Without submission there is no Dominance.

A submissive does not walk down the street bending to the will of all who cross their path. There are plenty of vanilla people in the world who do not submit to a Dominant--yet they allow the world to walk all over them. And they are not happier or better off for it.
From my own life and what I have observed about other submissives, I have come to believe that, for the most part, subs are Dominant outside of their relationships--they manage businesses, employees, large families, etc. They take charge. And submission is a retreat from that. It offers us a part of life where we don't have to be in charge, where we cannot exert control, a reality where we are whatever our Dominant chooses.

Submitting is a haven from the world for those who quite often live a life otherwise in command (and if they don't, so what?). It becomes part of who we are. It's an expression of devotion that's not always enjoyable and is by no means easy. It is a place where we can show who and what we truly are and still be loved. That's not to say that it doesn't change you, or you aren't ever made to change (changing for someone you love is not abnormal. People in vanilla relationships do it all the time. It just doesn't seem to work quite the same).
And sure, some of us are damaged, but there are plenty of damaged people. They just tend to have a problem admitting it lol.

We are the people the weak come to for help. 
We are the women who the strong come knocking for to back them up. 
We are the children who sit by the sides of our dying parents and console those who come to mourn.
We are the mothers who bare our teeth in defense of our children.
We are the raging sisters who stand off someone else's abusive husband in the night.
We are the wives who so many run to in the dark.
We are the ones who, above all others, have our Dominants back.
We are survivors.
We are submissives
and submission is not born of weakness.

Everyone and every relationship is different. Your way isn't my way and that's okay. I think it's a human trait to judge others, but it's not a very admirable one. No one is strong in all circumstances at all times. But we are who we are and that's just another part of being human.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Was gunna suggest something, regarding the font issue, but it wouldn't help. ;-)

    As to the rest...dunno if mouse would make submission sound like its just a mental vacation from a demanding life. The ability to stand up for yourself or give direction aren't only dominant traits. The truth is we all submit (Doms too) to something.

    Coming around to this in a very poor way (not enough coffee maybe).


  3. Hmmm, good point. I was lacking coffee when I wrote the post lol. It's not a vacation that's for sure. It's more like a shelter from all that crap of daily life. Maybe I'll add to it a bit since Iv'e got a little coffee in me lol.

  4. lil,

    Beautiful post! It seems to me that when I'm at my weakest state (worn down,crazy, frazzled woman) is when I have the most difficulty submitting. I tend to try to gain control. It takes a certain amount of power to surrender to another person.


  5. I am undone by your words, Lil. You are amazing.

  6. Beautiful, lil. I love the way you describe submission...sometimes it's like you're in my head. I also have the most trouble submitting when i'm at my weakest, just as Lyon finds it hardest to be Dominant when He is at His weakest. I never thought about that, but it does suggest that it takes strength and control to submit.


  7. Lovely post, excellent comments too.
    The thing that stuck in my head was that since I am so very dominant elsewhere (as a mother, the boss in my workplace, and just naturally in many other places and with many other people,) that I am quite used to getting my own way. Quite used to that indeed. It sometimes takes every ounce of strength I can dredge up to submit to Master. (Why on earth should I do "it" His way or do what He wants? I should be able to have my own way!)
    Submitting one's will to someone else is no easy task, and while in some ways it can be a reprieve from having to be in charge all the time, in other ways it can just be excruciating to have to bend.
    But in that is the victory I think. Having enough self-control to allow someone else to be in charge helps me to grow. And stretches me, and keeps me humble, and open-minded, and helps me to know what it's like to NOT be in charge (so I can treat others better.) Submitting to Him helps me learn that I can't always have my own way, but that it's OK. The world won't end. Submitting helps me to keep things in perspective and keeps me from becoming a spoiled brat.
    It feels good, and meets a need, but I don't think it's a picnic nor a vacation.

    Thank you for sharing.

  8. Some wonderful thoughts here. I'm not naturally submissive, in that I do not crave it from somewhere deep inside. Rather, I choose it because I have a dominant man who wants it. He wants my complete submission and I choose to give it to him. I think it takes a great strength, and understanding of myself to travel this road. To obey another human being. To surrender to their will. To lay your body down to be punished for not following where you are led. Submissive is far from weak. And as you said, it is when I am at a weak point that I fail at submission, because it takes such determination and mental stamina.

  9. Serenity, so true. That's when I have the hardest time too.

    littlemonkey, awww, how sweet. I did tweak it a bit after mouse pointed out it sounded like I was saying submission was a vacation. Lord knows it ain't lol.

    Kytten, thank you. I think that's one of the things that is most misunderstoon about submission--that they can't always be Dominant over everything and it takes strength of character to help fill in the gaps and keep things going as they should.

    Tapestry, Yea, I very much like getting my own way...Which begs the question of how in the hell I ended up being the "s" in a D/s relationship lol. But it keeps things balanced.

    Stormy, I agree. It does take strength and understanding. To a certain extent, I think you have to have the ability to own yourself before you can really give it to another person.


Play nice.