Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Being Comfortable In My Own Skin?

One of the things I am trying to work on is being comfortable in my own skin (calling it "my own" sounds like an oxymoron). That means a lot of things to me--some of them physical, some emotional, other mental.

Part of being more comfortable in my own skin is caring for myself.
I have a hard time taking care of myself. Somehow it's much easier to make sure everyone is taken care of and ignore my own physical needs--you know, food, exercise, rest, etc.

However, if I put myself in the context of being a reflection on Alpha as his property? There's a drastic shift in the importance I place on taking care of myself.
I take better care of the things I think of as his. So, if I see me as belonging to myself, I place less importance on me than if I see me as being one of his possessions. Still with me? I won't fault you for running now lol.
The more I view myself as his, not mine, the better I become because I want the best for him. And I think accepting that is going to help me a lot in this area.

For me, being comfortable in my own skin also means not having a big emotional conflict within myself. I have been known to fight very hard against what I need and am.
My least favorite and most volatile emotion is jealousy. Which stems from insecurity. Then leads to anger. See where I'm going here? It's not pretty.
So the whole insecurity thing? Needs to tone way back. Note this one doesn't come presented with a side order of solution lol. Though I do think that taking care of myself is going to contribute here...

Mental, well....It's simple really--a little less denial of self would go a long way. This morning was a pretty blatant example of it. Alpha was jacking off in my face with the occasional sucking. And then he quit putting it in my mouth. And I tried so hard to hold still, to hide the fact that I was literally drooling for it, practically begging, and trying to pretend I didn't want him to shove his cock back in my mouth and let go.

So, ummm...Why? Really, why bother? It's not as if he didn't actually want the same thing.
And it's not as if the pretending actually worked either. After he came in my mouth he chuckled at me, "you are so much more wanton than you want to admit."
Mhm, maybe so.

Mentally I put the brakes on going deeper into the abyss and further exploring our exchange of power. And it's a bit like denying myself water.
And I get frustrated with Alpha because I feel like I need more effort from him to help bring me along, and that maybe he doesn't want to explore deeper. Then I realize that he's just sitting there with that knowing look and infuriating grin. One step ahead and waiting for me to come begging on my own.

It's infuriating sometimes. Because coming crawling? It means I asked for it. There's no pretending I don't want it, there's no pretending it's all on him to drag me down. And I have to step out, speak up, and admit--I need him to take more, I need to give all.
And then I'll feel like I shouldn't complain when I get what I ask for.

Being comfortable in my own skin is about accepting what I am, and letting go of some of my preconceived notions of what I should be.

I think my brain is muddleded and maybe I have lost my ability to make sense to anyone else...


  1. You know what i love about your posts they echo so much of my own thoughts and feelings.

    I have similar trouble with acknowledging that i like and need certain things, i dont want to admit to it, i just dont want to go there. But the fact remains i do enjoy and want these things as well as need them so why should i be afraid (not sure afraid is the right word) of embracing them?

    i have over examined this issue and analysed it to death, my Master just says i need to learn to embrace what i am and just enjoy....but i dont find it that simple...or maybe it is just that simple yet i as usual over complicate it.

    You know what being honest i think its that im too scared to face just how far i would go.

    tori x

    1. painspleasure,
      Alpha tells me the same thing about just accepting and enjoying what I am. Over analyzing has it's drawbacks. So much easier said than done though!
      It can be scary accepting how far one would go, I agree completely. But I think self-acceptance is a huge step. They accept us, so accepting ourselves shouldn't be this complicated...I think.

  2. You actually make a lot of sense in that when you feel you are his, the better you become because you want what is best for him. You explained it very well.


    1. Florida Dom, thank you. Sometimes thought doesn't translate well into words.

  3. Thank you for putting your thoughts down. i have been trying to lay out my thoughts this past weekend, and after reading what you said everything is much clearer. i fight myself constantly.

    Thank you

    1. Anne, You are quite welcome. Glad you found something helpful in the post.

  4. Some things are definitely coming easier to me since I became H's slave versus just wife... shaving comes to mind - I always make time for it now, when before, well, let's just say, in the winter time my legs were a lot warmer. LOL.

    The funny thing is that I used to beat myself up for not shaving - went something like this - if you could only find a few minutes to take care of yourself, I bet a whole lot of things will fall into place. Well, I was right - now it happens every day and that is because I am His.

    Oh man, I ramble on don't I? :)

    1. Kitty,
      I so get that! Shaving is a great example. And beating myself up about it, get that too.
      I like your rambling.

  5. You actually made perfect sense to me, then again, I have already had multiple coffees :)

    Dee x

    1. Dee, I shudder to think of the poor people who arrive here without proper caffeination.
      Glad it made sense.

  6. lil,

    It's funny how they bring us even when we don't realize it. Omega is really like that. And ya, it drives mouse crazy.

    Sorry mouse doesn't comment here but on her phone or even the ipad, with the dark red color it's impossible to see where link to comments is.

    On those devices mouse can't hover like she can with a mouse...LOL...yanno the computer mouse...


    1. mouse, drives me crazy too!
      I fiddled with the red a bit, so maybe it will show up better now.

  7. This made total sense to me, kinda a lightbulb moment actually. Hmm...much to think about....

    1. faerie, ooh, lightbulb moments. I loves them.

  8. This is a great post, Lil. And you said so many things that resonated with me, too. I think a lot of submissives fret and worry over the things were want...afraid almost of what's inside...lurking.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Fondly, Sky

    1. Sky, thank you. It's difficult to get past worry about what's inside lurking.

  9. lil,

    Being comfortable in your own skin is hard. It really is. Good for you that you are working on it. This definitely resonates with most women I think.

    Since I did not find D/s until this last year, your method did not help me. I found it came naturally to me as I got older. Being 40 now, I am so much happier and more accepting of myself. I have no idea if this is the norm, but having a better and faster way sure would have been nice!!! :-)

    Good luck and best wishes.


    1. Sss, perhaps as I get older it will come easier. Though I think that sometimes people go the'r entire lives without ever really accepting themselves and being comfortable in their own skin.
      Thank you.

  10. I relate to this so well. Your words make perfect sense. I hope you can find a good balance.

    1. simplyHis, thank you. And I'm tryin!

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