One of the things I am trying to work on is being comfortable in my own skin (calling it "my own" sounds like an oxymoron). That means a lot of things to me--some of them physical, some emotional, other mental.
Part of being more comfortable in my own skin is caring for myself.
I have a hard time taking care of myself. Somehow it's much easier to make sure everyone is taken care of and ignore my own physical needs--you know, food, exercise, rest, etc.
However, if I put myself in the context of being a reflection on Alpha as his property? There's a drastic shift in the importance I place on taking care of myself.
I take better care of the things I think of as his. So, if I see me as belonging to myself, I place less importance on me than if I see me as being one of his possessions. Still with me? I won't fault you for running now lol.
The more I view myself as his, not mine, the better I become because I want the best for him. And I think accepting that is going to help me a lot in this area.
For me, being comfortable in my own skin also means not having a big emotional conflict within myself. I have been known to fight very hard against what I need and am.
My least favorite and most volatile emotion is jealousy. Which stems from insecurity. Then leads to anger. See where I'm going here? It's not pretty.
So the whole insecurity thing? Needs to tone way back. Note this one doesn't come presented with a side order of solution lol. Though I do think that taking care of myself is going to contribute here...
Mental, well....It's simple really--a little less denial of self would go a long way. This morning was a pretty blatant example of it. Alpha was jacking off in my face with the occasional sucking. And then he quit putting it in my mouth. And I tried so hard to hold still, to hide the fact that I was literally drooling for it, practically begging, and trying to pretend I didn't want him to shove his cock back in my mouth and let go.
So, ummm...Why? Really, why bother? It's not as if he didn't actually want the same thing.
And it's not as if the pretending actually worked either. After he came in my mouth he chuckled at me, "you are so much more wanton than you want to admit."
Mhm, maybe so.
Mentally I put the brakes on going deeper into the abyss and further exploring our exchange of power. And it's a bit like denying myself water.
And I get frustrated with Alpha because I feel like I need more effort from him to help bring me along, and that maybe he doesn't want to explore deeper. Then I realize that he's just sitting there with that knowing look and infuriating grin. One step ahead and waiting for me to come begging on my own.
It's infuriating sometimes. Because coming crawling? It means I asked for it. There's no pretending I don't want it, there's no pretending it's all on him to drag me down. And I have to step out, speak up, and admit--I need him to take more, I need to give all.
And then I'll feel like I shouldn't complain when I get what I ask for.
Being comfortable in my own skin is about accepting what I am, and letting go of some of my preconceived notions of what I should be.
I think my brain is muddleded and maybe I have lost my ability to make sense to anyone else...