I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze. This little place where all the things I cannot change and are outside of us, are merely peripheral shadows passing in the night. This odd space where all I can focus on is him...
Letting go is a huge issue for me. Always has been. And it's quite different than "going away" (got that one down to a fine science).
I have done a lot of submission related navel gazing lately. And I have come to the conclusion that most of my issues, from attempting to dictate the terms of my submission, to sex, to my hangups about ttwd, to my attitude, all stem from not letting go.
Letting go is it's own freakin epiphany. It's one thing to see and acknowledge something, and another thing altogether to do it.
For nearly fourteen years Alpha has told me that my biggest issue is letting go--whether it be of anger and hurt, or for love, intimacy, and submission. Okay, so for our entire relationship. Yea, he's right
But I have only seemed to achieve it in moments. Some moments. Sometimes.
More and more I have been having a more consistent feeling of just...Letting go.
And quite frankly, it scares the freakin daylights out of me. Which might explain why I have never done it completely and consistently before. Sounds reasonable right?
Mmmm, maybe not so much when it is between me and a terribly deep seated need for BDSM, intimacy, letting go? I don't know that I have words for it. Which seems somehow wrong, because there should be words for what we need right?
But there aren't always. And sometimes they only come in retrospect when we look back at where we have been.
For now I cannot find the words for what I need, I cannot find a name for what I feel.
And those forms of expression somehow become less important
as long as I can look in his eyes
and see the same need there
feel our minds collide
and know in my heart
that he will lead me on this ride.