This may make no sense whatsoever...
I have come to find that, for the most part, labels are not extremely helpful when it comes to ttwd. They create a tendency to attempt defining ourselves, that can actually narrow our parameters and the directions in which we think we can grow. And no one label is going to fit one person in every situation.
But there is a way that I find labels rather helpful--when it comes to defining concepts or they help me to be open to possibilities that I had previously not considered.
Taking me a while to get going here lol, apparently I do need sleep.
Anyways...I read this post greengirl wrote, and wheels started turning in my brain when she said "that is why it is called submitting and not being enslaved. And it is, it is submitting each time," I had this moment, like trying to remember a dream, something was clicking but the light wouldn't turn on lol. Then she followed up with this, and I finally got the light turned on (kinda anyways lol) when she said "For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent. I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose. I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him."
And I got...
Yes, I'm just getting started. I recommend coffee or running away lol.
Ever since we began ttwd Alpha will occasionally remark that I am his slave. Uh who, me? Nope. Never. Isn't so, not gonna happen. This little exchange is always followed by him shrugging, smiling infuriatingly at me, and saying "you are whatever I say you are."
And I used to object to that, the idea of being whatever he says I am, because well, I'm not and that's just ridiculous right?
Hmmm, not so much. I no longer have a retort, nor do I really desire to offer one. I don't have a problem with being whatever he says I am. I guess that may sound ludicrous, or it may sound like a small thing. But for me, it's neither.
And I think that all the definitions of slavery and submission that matter most are created by the person having the experience.
I have very much limited myself to the experience of submission. Though I find that the concept of enslavement is no longer objectionable like it once was.
For me, I have come to believe that submission is a choice, a mindset, a way of living--a part of who I am. Being enslaved is going beyond those choices, a more extreme focus of purpose, the place where no longer is the choice made, it just...Is.
Separating, defining, and labeling have been my ways of clinging to the edges, saying what I'm not while denying what I am and could become.
Perhaps my recent hold-ups are more about fear of infinite possibility than anything else. The fear that I could truly see my purpose as merely to serve.
And I'm not quite sure yet how exactly I feel about that.
I do know that, when he walks away shrugging his shoulders and telling me that I am whatever he says I am, I am content.