Wednesday, March 14, 2012

No Matter Where We Go From Here

Alpha has had one of those weeks where nothing goes quite as it should and there's just too much to do. He has been preoccupied.
So we have been spending time together, but focused on completely different things, and on a slightly different sleep schedule.

Then there's the fact that so many light bulbs have been going off in my head over the last week, that I think I have gone blind.

We were having a lively exchange that was really edging around an argument regarding grading one of the kid's tests. He told me I was "a spoiled little slut who had forgotten her place". It fit right into the near argument and mouthy responses I was offering.
It's the kind of response he has been known to give when we aren't fighting, but I'm being exceptionally mouthy. Usually it makes me giggle and tone it down a notch.
Yea, much to my surprise and dismay, I almost burst into tears.

When he asked me what was going on with me I said there were too many lights on in my mind and I thought I had gone blind from it all.
I told him that I quit, I give up--the internal battle for control that I wage almost constantly? Yea, that. And I realized that words like surrender and yield sound so much better, but I kept thinking of a chessboard, just never give up. That's quitting He laughed and said, "you could say that you are resigned to being a good girl."

Later, lying in bed with my head on his shoulder, he again inquired what was up with me. I replied, "what if I let go all the way and I need more Dominance than you want to give?" He stroked my hair and said "I'll be waiting to catch you. I might surprise you. It will be okay."

I drifted off to sleep secure in the knowledge that no matter where we go from here, he will be with me.

There are comments to respond to on my last post. And I will get to them...I just need more coffee first this time around.


  1. That is the precise question I have asked of my Master, and I am pleased that he has risen to the occasion.

    You put it into words perfectly - about wherever you go, he will be with you. I think that is beautiful.

  2. What do they say...realizing the problem is half the battle? Giving up so hard at times...easy at other times...

    It's about striking the balance, the comfort zone and staying with it....

    Long ago mouse described submission as climbing a mountain. It's hard to tell how high the mountain is while you're climbing it. You get to what think is the summit but learn there's just more mountain. That's frustrating, but you sit for a while before begin climbing again.

    If you start to slip, you know your Dom will catch you before you tumble too far.


    1. mouse, I certainly hope realizing the problem is half the battle because I realize I have a crapload of them lol.
      I like your mountain analogy--It really is very much like that.

  3. I have it too. It's the root of it all for me I think. What If I am too much? What if I scare him off or drive him away or make him regret me or what if he just plain can't handle all of me? What then? So I hold on tight to the parts that might prove troublesome. Except tight isn't always good enough. And trouble gets out and plays havoc.

    1. gg, it can be rough to spend so much time thinking about exploring further and holding oneself back at the same time. I think I may actually have a degree in that one.
      That one may go beyond the need for the 22 step program?

  4. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. It sounds as if Alpha will be there to pick up the pieces. Falling gently into loving arms is a wondrous thing.

    1. sunnygirl, it really is. And yes, he will. Hopefully there's not too many of them lol.

  5. I often wonder the same thing. What if I need more than Aeon is capable of giving. He & I have recently had a very similar conversation. Aeon says it is not my job to worry about what he is capable of only to focus on what I am capable of giving.

    It must be a spring thing because I am seeing very similar things in blog world.

    Good luck and keep your head up!


    1. Aeon's Angel, something in the air like pollen perhaps?
      And you bring up a concept that I think is worth contemplating--focusing more on what we are capable of than what they are. I guess it's a bit of a no brainer lol, but sometimes the obvious is difficult to see.

  6. "It will be okay," the most comforting words, yet sometimes the hardest to believe.

    Believe in Alpha, it may be hard to do, but it's worth it.

  7. I could have written this post myself. Soemtimes the worry of becoming a burden can be overwhelming. I love that he said he might surprise you. It sounds like a wonderful conversation, everything is going to be alright.

    1. dancingbarez, a burden or just...Hmmm, I haven't found the exact words for that thought yet lol.
      I know him well, but he does still surprise me, so it's not much of a stretch.
      It was a wonderful conversation. Thank you.


Play nice.