Alpha has had one of those weeks where nothing goes quite as it should and there's just too much to do. He has been preoccupied.
So we have been spending time together, but focused on completely different things, and on a slightly different sleep schedule.
Then there's the fact that so many light bulbs have been going off in my head over the last week, that I think I have gone blind.
We were having a lively exchange that was really edging around an argument regarding grading one of the kid's tests. He told me I was "a spoiled little slut who had forgotten her place". It fit right into the near argument and mouthy responses I was offering.
It's the kind of response he has been known to give when we aren't fighting, but I'm being exceptionally mouthy. Usually it makes me giggle and tone it down a notch.
Yea, much to my surprise and dismay, I almost burst into tears.
When he asked me what was going on with me I said there were too many lights on in my mind and I thought I had gone blind from it all.
I told him that I quit, I give up--the internal battle for control that I wage almost constantly? Yea, that. And I realized that words like surrender and yield sound so much better, but I kept thinking of a chessboard, just never give up. That's quitting He laughed and said, "you could say that you are resigned to being a good girl."
Later, lying in bed with my head on his shoulder, he again inquired what was up with me. I replied, "what if I let go all the way and I need more Dominance than you want to give?" He stroked my hair and said "I'll be waiting to catch you. I might surprise you. It will be okay."
I drifted off to sleep secure in the knowledge that no matter where we go from here, he will be with me.
There are comments to respond to on my last post. And I will get to them...I just need more coffee first this time around.