Two Years Ago Today and Write For Who?

 My blog is two years old today. And I must say, I'm still surprised that people read it, some before coffee even (crazy if you ask me).
I think we have come a long way over the course of this last couple of years. And I can't help but wonder where we will end up...Though I do think that perhaps I spend to much time on that particular wondering. Sometimes it's best to live in the now. I'm a work in progress lol.

I wrote the remainder of this post in November, and today seemed like a good time to pull it out and dust off the cobwebs.

~~~~~~~~~~

Write for me or write for you?
I have been thinking about this off and on for a while. I used to write just for me. Then damned if people didn't start reading what I wrote. And when people actually started reading, the clear cut lines of writing for myself blurred a bit.

So yea, I write for me. I write for Alpha. I write for you.

Mostly though? I write for me. Even when it's for you (I swear I'm not trying to be difficult here lol). Take funny posts for instance. Things are infinitely more entertaining when you aren't laughing at them alone. But knowing I made someone else laugh makes me happy. And hearing what you have to say about it can be totally hilarious. So my humor is a bit selfish.

Usually when I write something on the insightful side, it's because I'm trying to work it out for myself or figure out how to express things in a way that (hopefully) makes sense. Sometimes it's because I think maybe someone will get something from it, or because I have been inspired and I am curious about the thoughts of others. Occasionally I write for some narcissistic need to see my own words in print; to view my thoughts outside of my head. Sometimes I like to stand on the outside looking in on my life. And at times I just want to see it in words because that somehow makes it more clear. More real. More definable.

I used to feel that it was extremely important to write only for myself. My blog was primarily a tool to communicate with Alpha because I have a hard time saying some things out loud. And it does still function like that at times.

I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to write for you.

But I try rather hard not to care what you think about me or what I write. I realize that probably sounds bitchy, and that's not what I'm going for at all.

Don't get me wrong--I love hearing that someone can identify with what I have to say, was helped by it in some form, found a new way of looking at things, or simply got a good laugh. I love that there are subs who I can identify with and share things in common. I enjoy answering questions (assuming that I have any of the answers at all that is). And I feel all warm and fuzzy when a blogger I really like has something nice to say about my crazy corner or just stops by to comment on something I wrote. It makes me happy.

I like lots of bloggers and their blogs. And I have even found some who's thoughts and views I genuinely respect. So yea, those opinions do matter to me.
But I don't need to be liked. I need understanding--the insights I am given and those I have to share.

The thing is, for me, the moment I care too much about what my readers think? That is the moment this blog looses it's purpose. That is when it becomes yours not mine. That is when the dreaded part of me that strives too hard to please others infringes on my expression of self. That is when self-censorship kills the honesty and clarity I strive for. That is when my introspection fails because I won't admit my problems or mistakes because I am afraid of what you think of me. That is when my blog ceases to help me grow.

So much in my life has turned out to be about honesty. Being completely truthful not only with Alpha, but with myself (the latter is a lot bit more tricky). And this is the only place I go outside of my bedroom where I am free to express and be myself completely and without censorship. Where I can dump out the dirty laundry, totally unleash my cynical humor, and question myself and my world to unending extremes. Where I can. Just. Be. Me.

And my readers here are the only people besides Alpha that I get to talk with about ttwd. I like your comments and your thoughts, the inspirations you bring me and that sometimes you take something away with you.

Always my toughest reader will be Alpha. Because I care very much about what He thinks.
As a general rule in life, I try not to care what people think of me. Because of that need to please and define myself by the concepts of others.
It never served me well to define myself by the opinions of other people.
Somewhere along the line, I included Alpha in the equation of other people. When we started down the path of D/s and He (gasp) accepted me so openly for who/what I am, I realized that His opinion should and does matter most. Even more than my own at many times.

I want having readers be beneficial to my writing. To help keep my whining infused with humor, make me take the time to strive for clarity in my thoughts, give me new insights and ideas, and bring me the satisfaction of (hopefully) having helped someone out in some way along the line.

So I will write for me. I will Write for Alpha. And I will write for you.

But I will try not to care too much about what you think of me and whether or not you like me. Because while the internet is the perfect place to be whatever/whoever you want people to think you are--I just want to be me. Honestly.
And if I care to much about what you think, I will no longer be able to look inside and pull out the demons in my closet, dissect my flaws and curiosities, reveal my scars, and bare my soul for searching.