Thursday, March 8, 2012

Two Years Ago Today and Write For Who?

 My blog is two years old today. And I must say, I'm still surprised that people read it, some before coffee even (crazy if you ask me).
I think we have come a long way over the course of this last couple of years. And I can't help but wonder where we will end up...Though I do think that perhaps I spend to much time on that particular wondering. Sometimes it's best to live in the now. I'm a work in progress lol.

I wrote the remainder of this post in November, and today seemed like a good time to pull it out and dust off the cobwebs.

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Write for me or write for you?
I have been thinking about this off and on for a while. I used to write just for me. Then damned if people didn't start reading what I wrote. And when people actually started reading, the clear cut lines of writing for myself blurred a bit.

So yea, I write for me. I write for Alpha. I write for you.

Mostly though? I write for me. Even when it's for you (I swear I'm not trying to be difficult here lol). Take funny posts for instance. Things are infinitely more entertaining when you aren't laughing at them alone. But knowing I made someone else laugh makes me happy. And hearing what you have to say about it can be totally hilarious. So my humor is a bit selfish.

Usually when I write something on the insightful side, it's because I'm trying to work it out for myself or figure out how to express things in a way that (hopefully) makes sense. Sometimes it's because I think maybe someone will get something from it, or because I have been inspired and I am curious about the thoughts of others. Occasionally I write for some narcissistic need to see my own words in print; to view my thoughts outside of my head. Sometimes I like to stand on the outside looking in on my life. And at times I just want to see it in words because that somehow makes it more clear. More real. More definable.

I used to feel that it was extremely important to write only for myself. My blog was primarily a tool to communicate with Alpha because I have a hard time saying some things out loud. And it does still function like that at times.

I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to write for you.

But I try rather hard not to care what you think about me or what I write. I realize that probably sounds bitchy, and that's not what I'm going for at all.

Don't get me wrong--I love hearing that someone can identify with what I have to say, was helped by it in some form, found a new way of looking at things, or simply got a good laugh. I love that there are subs who I can identify with and share things in common. I enjoy answering questions (assuming that I have any of the answers at all that is). And I feel all warm and fuzzy when a blogger I really like has something nice to say about my crazy corner or just stops by to comment on something I wrote. It makes me happy.

I like lots of bloggers and their blogs. And I have even found some who's thoughts and views I genuinely respect. So yea, those opinions do matter to me.
But I don't need to be liked. I need understanding--the insights I am given and those I have to share.

The thing is, for me, the moment I care too much about what my readers think? That is the moment this blog looses it's purpose. That is when it becomes yours not mine. That is when the dreaded part of me that strives too hard to please others infringes on my expression of self. That is when self-censorship kills the honesty and clarity I strive for. That is when my introspection fails because I won't admit my problems or mistakes because I am afraid of what you think of me. That is when my blog ceases to help me grow.

So much in my life has turned out to be about honesty. Being completely truthful not only with Alpha, but with myself (the latter is a lot bit more tricky). And this is the only place I go outside of my bedroom where I am free to express and be myself completely and without censorship. Where I can dump out the dirty laundry, totally unleash my cynical humor, and question myself and my world to unending extremes. Where I can. Just. Be. Me.

And my readers here are the only people besides Alpha that I get to talk with about ttwd. I like your comments and your thoughts, the inspirations you bring me and that sometimes you take something away with you.

Always my toughest reader will be Alpha. Because I care very much about what He thinks.
As a general rule in life, I try not to care what people think of me. Because of that need to please and define myself by the concepts of others.
It never served me well to define myself by the opinions of other people.
Somewhere along the line, I included Alpha in the equation of other people. When we started down the path of D/s and He (gasp) accepted me so openly for who/what I am, I realized that His opinion should and does matter most. Even more than my own at many times.

I want having readers be beneficial to my writing. To help keep my whining infused with humor, make me take the time to strive for clarity in my thoughts, give me new insights and ideas, and bring me the satisfaction of (hopefully) having helped someone out in some way along the line.

So I will write for me. I will Write for Alpha. And I will write for you.

But I will try not to care too much about what you think of me and whether or not you like me. Because while the internet is the perfect place to be whatever/whoever you want people to think you are--I just want to be me. Honestly.
And if I care to much about what you think, I will no longer be able to look inside and pull out the demons in my closet, dissect my flaws and curiosities, reveal my scars, and bare my soul for searching.

24 comments:

  1. I loved this post. It gives a good perspective on writing for yourself, which is what I think most of us are doing here. Yes, the comments are fun to read but at the end of the day we really just need to express what we are feeling. I did that today and it just felt good although the post itself was scattered and probably not very good, still I felt a tiny wee bit better after I wrote it.

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    1. dancingbarez, I went to read today, and couldn't find your blog...Perhaps it's just me?

      And it always amazes me the difference that expressing how I am feeling can make.

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  2. Perfect!!!

    I agree with every word. I have been thinking the same thing. When I first saw people reading my blog, it did change things inside me a little. And then I adjusted to liking it but not caring too much because it will stop the honesty.

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    1. Sss, right. The interaction is great. I appreciate comments, and they sometimes do impact my perspective, but I think that is gaining something, not self censorship.

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  3. This is the perpetual problem, isn't it?

    I start to withdraw when I care too much and I feel perhaps what I have to say isn't what someone else wants to read.

    Then I realize I shouldn't care and I post anyway..

    But the cycle can take a couple of weeks, and then it restarts. No matter how hard I try not to care, it keeps creeping in.

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    1. Conina, I kinda figure if I write something someone doesn't wanna read, then they don't have to and that's fine. My brand of me isn't for everyone lol.

      I say just post what you have to say--As long as it's truly you, then people will take it or leave it. If they love it, great, if not--we're all just human eh.
      I think that one of the goals is self expression. And censoring ourselves does little besides stifle that expression.

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  4. What i love about blogging is i started it for similar reasons to yourself..i find it easier sometimes to get my thoughts down and make sense of them.

    Its great for self reflection. I must say i used to be concious of what people might think of me if they read some of my posts (i can be quite opinionated lol) but i realise that it doesnt matter..its ok to not agree with everybody. i dont worry if i have offensive comments or indeed none at all.

    I like interacting i think blogging is a great way to do that, to learn more no matter how experienced or how much we think we know...we should all be open to seeing different perspectives/opinions.

    tori x

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    1. painspleasure, it is wonderful for self reflection.
      I like the interaction I get in blogland too. I know I talk a lot lol, but I am overall a fairly shy person and somehow interactions here don't evoke that.

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  5. I too write mainly for myself. I get into a zone when I'm writing and don't ever really think about the readers. Honestly, I'm still surprised that anyone reads it, lol.

    I've never been the type of person to care too much what others think of me, if I was I would not have survived for very long. I've pretty much always walked on the outskirts of acceptable society. It becomes very time and energy consuming to conform so I chose a long time ago not to waste my energy doing things I didn't find beneficial to me.

    I'm comfortable, happy even, being different. But it can sometimes be lonely, that's been one of the greatest benefits of blogging. I get to meet people more like me.

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    1. faerie, lol I know well that feeling of surprise that people read my ramblings. I tend to not care what people think at all. Sometimes it's a bit more difficult when writing about deeply personal things.
      And it really can be lonely because for some reason, people seem to think that there cannot be interaction and friendship without going out of our way to please and be accepted. But at the end of the day, it's about who we are, not who we want to please.

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  6. Well as one of those readers who turns up before coffee... though usually clutching it... may one just say Happy Anniversary and may there be many more of them :D

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    1. Mp, Ooh, heehee--before coffee. You're one of the crazies aren't you lol.
      And thank you.

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    2. Well you wouldn't be the first to suggest that... :D

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    3. I say it with love! lol

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  7. Loved this post lil!! And hey, I even understood it :) I think you've made loads of valid points which I totally agree with. What I find embarrassingly hard about blogging is discovering I've lost a follower or two. I try not to take that personally but it's hard. Then I realise that I can't figure out who I've actually lost! Lol. And that makes it soooo much easier :)
    Hey, this might be my longest comment yet! :)

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    1. Dee, oh followers of my blog seem to come and go like water lol.
      Sometimes I think we outgrow things that we used to read, and other times, well, the readers I appreciate are the ones who keep coming back through my bad days, not just the interesting stuff.
      And then sometimes I just probably said something someone found horribly offensive lol. In which case this was probably not the place for them anyways!

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  8. Lil,

    Congrats on two years blogging, it's only when you how many blogs end shortly after they start. Many people begin for lots of reasons, but it's mouse's opinion the blogs where you write for someone other than "readers" or "lollowers," are the ones who stick around.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. mouse, thank you.
      I have noticed that blog lifetimes tend to be a bit like dog years multiplied lol.
      And the blogs where people don't write for the readers or followers are the most interesting and inspiring anyways!

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  9. very nice post for your anniversary lil. Here's to many more :)

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  10. Happy Anniversary! i enjoy reading you a lot - I'm glad i found you, and glad you're blogging!

    aisha

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    1. aisha, thank you. I'm glad you like it here and I quite enjoy your blog as well.

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  11. Congratulations on two years, lil! And even if you write for yourself, I appreciate your posts anyway. They're always entertaining, and I usually learn something as well. Thanks!

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Play nice.