I occasionally get concepts and ideas in waves. And when I'm not having a dry spell, there's a lot at once. So it's a bit difficult to swim through and pull out anything clear.
I was introduced to a concept yesterday--about questions and answers and the process of figuring things out. But it's still floating around in my mind, and there's something about understanding questions that is not quite as simple as it sounds.
Then of course, there's the usual tangle of thoughts...
I have been doing a lot of submission related musing in my head lately...And sometimes, just sometimes, there's a moment of realization.
Yesterday Alpha cornered me in the vicinity of the dryer and proceeded to shove his cock down my throat...I put up token objections...Then proceeded to love every second of it. Including the moment he zipped up his pants and walked off to go about his day as if I wasn't still kneeling on the floor.
Later, I was puttering around the kitchen thinking about our laundry room encounter, and how I wanted to go to bed and ask for things...The kind of things I never ask for because...Oh yea, it makes me feel like I'm squirming in my own skin to say it out loud. And I think that he will make me beg.
I thought about how I wouldn't ask for it. Because I don't want to admit what turns me on.
I repress the feeling of need and desire because...
There's a part of me that feels it is...Not okay.
A long time ago I decided it was wrong to give in to desire. Because the desires of others once did very bad things to me, and because I once allowed my desires to hurt Alpha and our relationship.
I control my desires. Tightly.
But...I don't think I'm the right person to control them anymore. And I wonder if the time is coming when it's no longer optional. When he does and I cannot.
He laughed at my transparency, how obvious it was what I wanted.
And he didn't make me beg for it after all.