Saturday, March 24, 2012

Controlling Desires and Desiring Control

This may or may not make sense. It made a lot of sense to me, so chances are it will read like a dead language for everyone else lol.

I think that the question is not, how does one let go, but why not?
Not what does one lose by holding on, but what is gained by letting go?
Not, what can I do to feel that way, but what do I do to keep myself from it?

I started to wonder why an embrace in the kitchen can make the whole world fade away, when rarely does an embrace in bed have the same impact. And I think it's all about blocking myself. There's nothing to hide from in the kitchen (well, except the fact that he has purchased me more wooden spoons than any house has need of ahem, but that's external danger lol).

So maybe kind of...

This is going to earn me one of those "looks." You know, the kind where as the eyebrow goes up, so do I shrink.

I think that sometime around meeting Alpha, I made a bit of a conscious choice. Okay, fine, more than a bit. I decided that I would not crave.
I would not crave sex, or...Him, well not specifically him so much as anyone. Ever.
Because, in my mind, that would mean I didn't have...Power. The power to reject, to turn off, to not need.

It's ironic looking back, and it's something I have not thought about in a very long time. One of those things kept tucked away on a dusty shelf for ages until it comes back to bite you in the ass.

And, as with most things tucked away on the back shelf, reading about it makes me want to hide my head under the bed and go "really?"

I guess by that point I associated sex with power. But not just sex--need. And I knew I was shit at controlling myself.

If I needed, he had power. Because he could give or not. Well, take as the case may be in retrospect, ahem.

When you can give someone something they desire/crave/need, you have power.

I have found something I crave.

I crave him.
I crave his Dominance.
I crave his desire.
I crave his touch
his love
his time and attention
I crave his control.

I held back for a very long time. Love is a risk--there is no pain comparable to its loss. Being in love opens the door to life's greatest joys and makes you vulnerable to its deepest sorrows.

Alpha used to call me the ice queen. And I played her well.

You see though, desiring and craving what another person can do to you gives them power.

Somewhere along the journey, we agreed to an exchange of power--it became his.
I forgot though, that I had refused desire. Doing so was my way of exercising power, my way of controlling me, my way of being in charge of myself.

Funny thing is, all that control, it got away from me you know...And the time came for him to take it.

But that's a it more difficult sometimes, because one cannot give what they do not have. Another cannot own what you yourself do not first posses.

This thought process led me to try something that led to more and different realizations, but for once I'm not going to glob it all together into one post lol.


  1. I think i got this or should i say it makes sense if im interpreting it correctly.

    My ex used to say to me i was more frigid and cold than the wastelands of Antartica and i was if im honest, im not very good with emotions and letting people in.

    Because when you let people in you open yourself up to potential hurt so its easier to put barriers up, slowly very slowly those barriers are being chipped away.

    i loved this post its made me think

    tori x

    1. tori, This one was all over the place, even for me lol.
      You're right about the barriers. And chipping away at them takes time.
      Glad you liked the post and it made some kind of sense to you!


Play nice.