I'm not a very service oriented person. For me, it's often more about the rewards I receive than the service itself. I realize that's not very flattering, lol. It is however, true.
I realized something obvious about service the other day--I try to serve how I think I should. Not necessarily how he wants me to.
Serving is about the needs and wants of the one being served. Not about how the one serving thinks it should be.
The thing is...When I don't feel like I am serving Alpha in some way, I feel like I should be. And that's just not natural for me. Or at least, until now.
Why don't I have deep and gargantuan epiphanies? It's like the things that should be obvious to anyone are my aha moments.
I live for that smile of approval, the touch on my hair and whisper across my cheek as he says "good girl."
Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how deeply thing thing we call submission is taking me.
Part of me knows he does, then the part that knows I'm stubborn, and irritable, and easily frightened, and closed down, wonders how he sees through it all?
Does that make my service selfish? That I don't just do it to please him, but for the smile, for the times he says he notices how hard I try, for the sometimes elusive "good girl"? Do I do it selfishly because it makes me feel good to do so?