I'm not a very service oriented person. For me, it's often more about the rewards I receive than the service itself. I realize that's not very flattering, lol. It is however, true.
I realized something obvious about service the other day--I try to serve how I think I should. Not necessarily how he wants me to.
Serving is about the needs and wants of the one being served. Not about how the one serving thinks it should be.
The thing is...When I don't feel like I am serving Alpha in some way, I feel like I should be. And that's just not natural for me. Or at least, until now.
Why don't I have deep and gargantuan epiphanies? It's like the things that should be obvious to anyone are my aha moments.
I live for that smile of approval, the touch on my hair and whisper across my cheek as he says "good girl."
Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how deeply thing thing we call submission is taking me.
Part of me knows he does, then the part that knows I'm stubborn, and irritable, and easily frightened, and closed down, wonders how he sees through it all?
Does that make my service selfish? That I don't just do it to please him, but for the smile, for the times he says he notices how hard I try, for the sometimes elusive "good girl"? Do I do it selfishly because it makes me feel good to do so?
OK, just one woman's opinion, but...
ReplyDeleteI think it's really only service when you get from giving. Otherwise, it's simply attendance.
So not only do I not think it makes you selfish to feel good about serving him, I think it does make it right.
Jz, love your point here. I can see that there's a huge difference between attendance and service, and service is not the one I take issue with. Though I had never thought to separately define the two.
DeleteThank you for your thoughts.
Ok - I'm old - and a total geek - but this immediately made me think of Twilight Zone - "To serve man..." There are a lot of meanings to that word, serving his best interest is one, waiting on him is another, (we'll just ignore the dishing him up for dinner twist..) I'm with Jz, there really does have to be a mutual benefit ultimately or it just isn't sustainable. And that's ok - because i bet he needs to be able to give you what you need - that serves his purposes too.
ReplyDeletegg, oh must we ignore the dishing him up for dinner twist? And I have seen that Twilight Zone lol.
DeleteAnd I see what you mean--any relationship has to be for mutual benefit. And it's one of those circular things because, yes, he does need to be able to give me what I need too.
I dont think its selfish your last paragraph sums it up
ReplyDelete"Does that make my service selfish? That I don't just do it to please him, but for the smile, for the times he says he notices how hard I try, for the sometimes elusive "good girl"? Do I do it selfishly because it makes me feel good to do so?"
Isnt that a part of what we as subs want/need to have that acknowledgement of good girl, to please them? I dont always enjoy some elements of service but the knowledge that im pleasing him makes me feel good...so to be selfish implies your the only one getting something from it...but your not.
does that makes sense? lol
tori xx
painspleasure, it makes perfect sense. Yea, the acknowledgement of having pleased, well it just feels damn good.
DeleteAnd there are those times that I don't enjoy all the elements of service, which kind of contributed to my initial feelings surrounding it which were "no, nada, hate it" lol.
Far to much is made about self less service in our world. I can tell you as a Dom and I am sure if you asked Alpha he would confirm, I expect and in fact want her to get something out of it. I would be sad to find out she did all for me and it did not make her happy. That would not make me a Dom it would make me a selfish ass.
ReplyDeleteSir J, I have to admit, this comment made me giggle.
DeleteObsessive over-thinking can lead to unnecessary confusion I think.
Because there are things he asks of me that I do not enjoy or want in the moment, or are done just to make me squirm, I sometimes wonder...If perhaps all things weren't meant to be enjoyed, but occur simply for the mindset and results they incur. It's easy to throw to many concepts into that pot that don't really belong there.
I think I need a couple more cups of coffee to be able to complete that thought process, and make some kind of sense, but I have a problem leaving comments un-replied to.
I think I now have a post brewing in my head about symbiotic relationships or something to that effect...Guess I have a problem staying on point lol.
Pretty much what Jz and Sir J said. I wouldn't think it enjoyable in any way shape or form if YOU didn't get anything from the experience coz if you didn't, it'd become something else entirely.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Dee, right. Though as I said to Sir J, there are experiences I don't enjoy.
DeleteThough reading your comment, I can see that there's a big difference between not enjoying something and not getting anything out of it. Another aha moment...Fueled unfortunately by too little coffee to connect all the dots lol.
There is a philosopher (I want to say Kant, but I am probably wrong) that basically sums up all human experience and choices as being fueled by happiness. If you do something, it's because in some way you derive some sort of pleasure or happiness from it.
ReplyDeleteEven in service. If you serve because you enjoy the reward, fine. If you serve because it makes your signifcant other happy, does that not also please you? I think one would be hard pressed to find someone who made the informed choice to serve and doesn't gain SOMETHING out of it.
If I do something for Sir that doesn't directly benefit me, I'm still happy because I know it will make him happy.