I have decided I like that word.
When I went to bed the other night, I was thinking about the concept of surrender.
To surrender is to yield to the possession or power of another, to give oneself up to an influence, an emotion, to something outside oneself.
I knew he was going to take my ass. I have mixed feeling about anal--sometimes fun and always no small amount of pain, so I tend to resist it.
This time though, I tried something different. I kept telling myself "just yield. Surrender."
And in the moment where I felt his will rushing in, the energy that is him flowing through me, the moment where normally I would fight back with my own in an attempt at holding on to the individual that is me, I instead chose to surrender. To open to him and all that he is. Just to sink into his power and let it flood through me.
In that moment I realized...That his iron will, the overwhelming power in his energy, the strength flowing through him, they scare me.
I have what I feel, is an odd relationship with fear--it a freezing killer to my submission. And yet, in some forms, it is also a huge turn-on. Not saying that's right lol, just that it...Is.
But this particular, and previously unrealized fear is not a turn-on. It's been my own little barrier to letting go.
If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was afraid of Alpha, I would have told you no--I do not fear him; though I do occasionally fear the things he may do, or the choices he may make, I do not fear him.
But last night I realized that I do fear the raw primal power that he exudes when I surrender.
When I had the realization I felt myself draw back and I realized that I didn't need to. I thought, "he has never caused me harm before, and I trust him. What happens if I just...go with it?"
And I went with it. Let him crash through me like waves.
Afterwards he drew me to him as he always does, and I laid my head on his shoulder like I always do.
Except this time, I told him, "I yield."
He tightened his grip around me and silently kissed the top of my head, and we went to sleep in a tangle of arms and legs.
Until he gave me what I call the dismissal kiss, which loosely translated means "you have to get off my shoulder because I really can't feel my arm anymore."