Surrender.
I have decided I like that word.
When I went to bed the other night, I was thinking about the concept of surrender.
To surrender is to yield to the possession or power of another, to give oneself up to an influence, an emotion, to something outside oneself.
I knew he was going to take my ass. I have mixed feeling about anal--sometimes fun and always no small amount of pain, so I tend to resist it.
This time though, I tried something different. I kept telling myself "just yield. Surrender."
And in the moment where I felt his will rushing in, the energy that is him flowing through me, the moment where normally I would fight back with my own in an attempt at holding on to the individual that is me, I instead chose to surrender. To open to him and all that he is. Just to sink into his power and let it flood through me.
In that moment I realized...That his iron will, the overwhelming power in his energy, the strength flowing through him, they scare me.
Afraid.
I have what I feel, is an odd relationship with fear--it a freezing killer to my submission. And yet, in some forms, it is also a huge turn-on. Not saying that's right lol, just that it...Is.
But this particular, and previously unrealized fear is not a turn-on. It's been my own little barrier to letting go.
If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was afraid of Alpha, I would have told you no--I do not fear him; though I do occasionally fear the things he may do, or the choices he may make, I do not fear him.
But last night I realized that I do fear the raw primal power that he exudes when I surrender.
When I had the realization I felt myself draw back and I realized that I didn't need to. I thought, "he has never caused me harm before, and I trust him. What happens if I just...go with it?"
Imagine that.
And I went with it. Let him crash through me like waves.
Yea. Wow.
Afterwards he drew me to him as he always does, and I laid my head on his shoulder like I always do.
Except this time, I told him, "I yield."
He tightened his grip around me and silently kissed the top of my head, and we went to sleep in a tangle of arms and legs.
Until he gave me what I call the dismissal kiss, which loosely translated means "you have to get off my shoulder because I really can't feel my arm anymore."
Sounds like you had rather a breakthrough, lil! It seems simple when you write about it, but obviously it's a lot harder to live it instead.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can empathize on that "can't feel my arm anymore thing"... Sometimes I wish I could just detach my right arm and put it on the bedside stand so that it doesn't get in the way when Joy and I snuggle.
Jake,
DeleteSometimes it's really difficult finding words for things, and some times the words really are more simple than the actions.
I loved this..it sounds like you are letting go more and more, i wander do you think its a submissive trait that we beat ourselves up more than is necessary about letting go?
ReplyDeletetori xx
tori,
Deleteit may very well be. This isn't the only place I see such musings and difficulties with letting go. Perhaps we just beat ourselves up more in general in pursuit of being the best that we can?
Letting go is hard sometimes. We have a lifetime of defending ourselves to set aside. It's about trust and ... something else. Yielding is a good word.
ReplyDelete-sin
sin, it really is. It's difficult to let go of the defenses that have been built and fortified over time.
DeleteYielding is a good word...Though I got rear-ended at a yield sign and for some reason am not a huge fan of the term since then lol. Amazing how you can take something you associate with bad things and apply that association to things completely unrelated.
Though if I was being a smart ass I might say I did get rear ended while yielding before I wrote this post lol.
Soooo beautiful. Thanks for sharing it with us.
ReplyDeleteAnd - laughing - i know that "dismissal kiss too."
hugs,
aisha
aisha, thank you. Yes, the regrettable dismissal kiss lol.
Deleteyou should know that there is nothing we do with more reluctance than that kiss.
ReplyDeleteSir J, it is received with no small amount of reluctance as well.
DeleteBeautifully put. I know exactly what you mean and can relate completely. Surrender also seems to deepen the connection I feel with my Owner... just a little more each time. :)
ReplyDeleteWendy, thank you. And it really is amazing what it does to the connection. Like each time is one more strand strengthening the bindings.
DeleteThis is an amazing insight into submissive struggle. :)
ReplyDeleteWell written.
~viemoira
viemora, thank you.
DeleteI do try to write things that make sense, doesn't always work out lol, but occasionally clarity does shine through.
always interesting visiting here :-)
ReplyDeletetiffany, thank you.
DeleteI like the word surrender as well. I do not just submit to Daddy, I am surrendered to him. And that feels wonderful.
ReplyDeleteJune, there is something that is absolutely lovely about surrender isn't there.
Delete