Friday, November 16, 2012

Just A Little Bitch With My Whine

I have never claimed not to be a whore for my husbands attention. I'm an attention whore for him, and always have been.
He's not a fan of the behavior that manifests itself during said bouts of whoring around.

I have gotten better about it (I think), I feel it coming on and often try to find something else to do with myself besides being a pain in the ass.

In this case, I don't think it's an attention whore thing, though perhaps he would disagree (but he won't because he doesn't read here anymore, and to call our current communication spotty would be exaggerating its merits).

Here's the thing--I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. Not in the dramatic sense of, "Omg, he doesn't love me anymore, the sky hath fallen and life as we know it will never be the same again!!"
Not like that.

Things have been a bit of a mess lately. Our oldest boy began displaying a continuous stream of horrid behavior that culminated in an epic showdown between him and Alpha that quite frankly scared the shit out of me.
I sent kiddo to grandma's for a week. I'll pick him up Tuesday.

Alpha is working his ass off. And when he's not, he's "Just trying to de-stress." Which is fine...But absolutely none of that has anything to do with me. Yes, he's providing for us, and when he's home, we're together...
But that's it--we're in the same room while he  lives in the world that is online chess and I give up and drift into the wonderful fantasy land that is books.
And there enters the feeling that he is no longer interested in me.
I believe Alpha when he says that he needs me and is madly in love with me (okay, so the "madly" bit I might doubt just a little some days).
But I'm safe. I'll be here for him no matter what. He's comfortable with me, which I think is generally a good thing in a relationship.
No one wants everyday of their marriage to be shit tons of work. And he's not the kind of Dominant who wants to micromanage. He wants me to be a good girl and that is that.

Lazy love is fine. We all need it, and we all do it sometimes. Lazy Dominance is even alright at times. Lazy submission is a bit harder to pull off, but I have been guilty of my fair share like now, make your own damn cookies.
But when said Dominance begins to end at, "Rub my back and make me cookies" on a regular basis?
We deteriorate into former power struggles where we snap and argue over pointless things. That space where we are safe to express any feeling or thought disappears...

I don't think that he should have to micromanage me. I don't think that, after six years, he should have to make me submit. I don't think that he should have to struggle with me for what we both want. And of course, there is that ever present ebb and flow of cycles that is inevitable in all things.

My submission is probably not as selfless as it should be.


I have yet to learn how to submit and serve graciously when it takes the form of meeting demands for food and rubbing out the kinks--and little more.

He loves me deeply. Most days, he even likes me quite a bit. And the feeling is mutual.
But I am safe. A security that he knows will always be here.

And I can't help that creeping little feeling, that just maybe, he is no longer really interested in me. Because interest is not necessarily a requirement for love.


  1. Big Hugs. Married life with children is hard, let alone when you try and balance it with a D/s dynamic. I know Alpha is crazy busy this time of year, but maybe it's time for a tiny little weekend getaway just the 2 of you, once things calm down. It's so so easy to get stuck in a rut and disconnect and let things slide when life gets busy. It takes that extra bit of effort to push things back onto an even keel where everyone is fulfilled and content. If thats not a possibility could you come to him as softly as you can (lol) and ask for some uninterrupted time just the 2 of you? No online games or books, just the two of you. Order in, eat on the couch, and talk. Kneel, even if it isnt something you normally do in the day to day. Offer yourself, remind him gently that you are his. Bonus points if you can sneak off to put something on that makes you feel sexy!

    Now, this is all coming from a newbie to this, and someone totally unfamiliar to how you guys run things.

    Either way, I am sending you comfort, I am willing to bet he is still very much interested in you, he's just a little harried right now, and as with all things it will come back around.

    Big Huge Hugs.

    1. HLA,
      well it would make me a bit of an idiot to disregard such wise advice on the basis of your amount of experience with ttwd wouldn't it?

      We both know we really need that day...But while it's no problem to drop the big kiddo off with my mom for the week, getting her to take them both for one night is like pulling teeth.

  2. Hi lil- Selfless submission is a bitch huh? This too shall pass and just keep yourself busy and trust what you and Alpha have built.



    1. faithful,
      oh it is such a bitch! Lol. Maybe one day I'll finally get it down...

  3. Cycles sometime suck, but that's what this is. It'll come around again soon, you'll see.

  4. me too. I'm beginning to trust a bit more now that this too will pass, because as well as logically I now know from experience that this is circumstantial and will eventually move on again.

    I'm a bit of a NaNoWriMo widow at the moment. He's physically helping out as much as ever, with the kids etc, but mentally... and to a certain extent, sexually - though there are also health things which are factor at the moment too, oh joy.

    Not much time to spare for me at the moment. I'm not completely frozen out, of course not, but I'm begining to feel a little bit like I'm playing second fiddle...

    1. mamacrow,
      I may have occasionally referred to myself as a chess widow lol.
      Life is very cyclical all the way around. Times like this come and go. But sometimes it is difficult to focus on the fact that it's a temporary state of affairs...

  5. I think it will come around again to a high point in the cycle. I know our relationship has been full of ups and downs, and the downs are pretty plain, as you describe. Not full of screaming and yelling, but full of "eh, whatever" blahs. Sometimes a trip alone, or sending all the kids to Grandma's and having a vacation can help.

    1. ancilla,
      Oh yes--the "whatever blahs" they are just no fun lol.

      Unfortunately, to get grandma to take them both means convincing her that we are going to put them up for adoption or let them kill each other...I'll let her recover from her week with the big kid first lol.

  6. I feel that. There is definitely a cycle, and I always get concerned that it could signal the end as well - because, well relationships DO end, don't they. Doesn't mean yours will or mine even, but there will always be that fear.

    Which I think is good, because it keeps us focused on pulling the relationship forward and giving it the attention it deserves, so that it can continue to thrive and grow.

    1. Kitty,
      I think you have a point there--it makes us not take the relationship for granted. Which is a very good thing. Just not always easy in the moment.

  7. Oh lil its difficult, i think and this is my perspective...we dont do micromanagment either (albeit there may be some little areas that could be considered that), but as this dynamic flourishes there becomes that element of need from the submissive.

    We need to know we are being of 'use', we need their dominance, and although im more than capable of functioning without him as my Master works long hours and is often away i find it hard, and this causes me to have these horrid conflicting feelings of vunerability, dependencey and i get needy.

    I go from thinking i need to pull myself together because right now as he is so busy he doesnt need me getting myself worked up over 'issues' that are not there to tearful displays of "you havent got time for me" and then i feel bad, guilty and so it goes around and around.

    I do get the element of not being interested, but for me i do have moments where i feel he has lost interest in dominating me, its all in my head, i know this as i type it, its because its when im feeling vunerable and needy, and i struggle with feeling damn needy!

    Sometimes they just dont dominate as and when we want them to...coz there men and inconsiderate! lol


    1. tori,
      "I go from thinking i need to pull myself together because right now as he is so busy he doesnt need me getting myself worked up over 'issues' that are not there to tearful displays of "you havent got time for me" and then i feel bad, guilty and so it goes around and around."

      Insert my name in the beginning of that sentence, and that's me! It's a bit of a vicious cycle in itself isn't it...

      I do so hate being needy...I'm not very gracious about it either lol. Though I think I might be getting better...Maybe. Okay, scratch that--I'm working on being more gracious about it. With varying results.

  8. Don't you find, tho', that when he gets busy, he compartmentalizes?
    Mine does - andthat's what flags my frustrations the most. It's like he has to keep everything in distinct, manageable, prioritized pieces, and any overflow could blow the whole thing to kingdom come. So, it's not that he forgets that I need attention, it's that "attention" is in the seventh box to the left, basement level, and I'm just going to have to wait until he has time to get there.

    I HATE this, but I *am* finally coming to understand that it doesn't mean to him what it feels like to me...

    1. Jz,
      That's actually pretty brilliant...Because that is exactly what Alpha does--he picks what he's going to focus on, separates it all out, and goes at it from whatever point he has decided without any side trips for anything else along the way.
      He has always been like that, so you would think that I would remember and take it as a matter of course...But sometimes I do forget. Thank you for reminding me!

      Thank goodness it doesn't mean to them what it feels like to us...Or we'd all be screwed!

  9. Tori's post was totally me as well. I am absolutely and unashamedly a needy attention whore. Can you say emotionally dependent? That would have my picture on it in Wikipedia. He puts up with me. If I bug him with it too much, as in don't take his no for an answer, by whining and pestering, I get punished, and not in the fun way. Sometimes being a slave really just does mean suck it up. He knows what I'm feeling because I tell him, but he does not feel obliged to act on that.

  10. Oh, lil. Want to sit here a while? Sometimes perspective helps a bit. And one thing I am learning to do is stop overthinking things.
    .. its often too easy to start micromanaging your thoughts. I know when I start doing that, I create a shitstorm for myself.
    Stay with today. And here's a few bear hugs for ya!


    1. justine,
      perspective really does make all the difference in the world. To much thought is one of my biggest day-to-day issues.

      Thank you.

  11. OMG! This post could not have been posted at a more appropriate time in my life as well! Everything that you all have said I am living as well. It is so hard to get a real grip on everything. Overthinking is my First Name. Thank you all for all the wonderful input it really helps to know we are all in this together with the same issues.

    1. Brattyredsub,
      I think that we do often experience the same issues. They just take on different forms and go through different phases as we travel along.
      It really is nice to know we aren't alone.


Play nice.