He's not a fan of the behavior that manifests itself during said bouts of whoring around.
I have gotten better about it (I think), I feel it coming on and often try to find something else to do with myself besides being a pain in the ass.
In this case, I don't think it's an attention whore thing, though perhaps he would disagree (but he won't because he doesn't read here anymore, and to call our current communication spotty would be exaggerating its merits).
Here's the thing--I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. Not in the dramatic sense of, "Omg, he doesn't love me anymore, the sky hath fallen and life as we know it will never be the same again!!"
Not like that.
Things have been a bit of a mess lately. Our oldest boy began displaying a continuous stream of horrid behavior that culminated in an epic showdown between him and Alpha that quite frankly scared the shit out of me.
I sent kiddo to grandma's for a week. I'll pick him up Tuesday.
Alpha is working his ass off. And when he's not, he's "Just trying to de-stress." Which is fine...But absolutely none of that has anything to do with me. Yes, he's providing for us, and when he's home, we're together...
But that's it--we're in the same room while he lives in the world that is online chess and I give up and drift into the wonderful fantasy land that is books.
And there enters the feeling that he is no longer interested in me.
I believe Alpha when he says that he needs me and is madly in love with me (okay, so the "madly" bit I might doubt just a little some days).
But I'm safe. I'll be here for him no matter what. He's comfortable with me, which I think is generally a good thing in a relationship.
No one wants everyday of their marriage to be shit tons of work. And he's not the kind of Dominant who wants to micromanage. He wants me to be a good girl and that is that.
Lazy love is fine. We all need it, and we all do it sometimes. Lazy Dominance is even alright at times. Lazy submission is a bit harder to pull off, but I have been guilty of my fair share
But when said Dominance begins to end at, "Rub my back and make me cookies" on a regular basis?
We deteriorate into former power struggles where we snap and argue over pointless things. That space where we are safe to express any feeling or thought disappears...
I don't think that he should have to micromanage me. I don't think that, after six years, he should have to make me submit. I don't think that he should have to struggle with me for what we both want. And of course, there is that ever present ebb and flow of cycles that is inevitable in all things.
My submission is probably not as selfless as it should be.
I have yet to learn how to submit and serve graciously when it takes the form of meeting demands for food and rubbing out the kinks--and little more.
He loves me deeply. Most days, he even likes me quite a bit. And the feeling is mutual.
But I am safe. A security that he knows will always be here.
And I can't help that creeping little feeling, that just maybe, he is no longer really interested in me. Because interest is not necessarily a requirement for love.