I think that kind of post does have it's place though.
I don't regret it because I think it's important not to just show the good times. I think that only writing about the best, gives beginners especially, a skewed view that is unfair. This is reality after all.
Also, I have literally nowhere else to vent.
To say that communication isn't my strong point would be giving myself extra credit on the issue. So it rarely goes well when I vent such things to him if we are a already a touch out of synch.
I do regret that it hurt his feelings a bit (I am reminded of a comment Kitty left recently saying that she didn't see her husband with a blog whining about her not submitting right). Such was not my intention. You know what they say about the road to hell and all...And yes, if I had really thought he was going to read it, I would have probably toned down the "Malcontent" a bit. That was a difficult word to comprehend when he said it at 7 AM as I was blearily reaching for the coffee...
At least I now recognize it for what it is though right? Cycles go up and down. It is the nature of life.
There was a time when I would have just thought the sky was falling.
I don't regret that last post...But I do regret that it hurt his feelings.
There are some drawbacks to having a public forum in which to spill any thought that comes to mind...
Whether it was public or not, intentional or not, I think it is the right thing to do to let our Masters/Doms/Husbands know when we are dissatisfied or unhappy. Pretending everything is perfect when it's not does no one any good.
ReplyDeleteancilla,
Deleteit doesn't do any good. Though I would like to develop the kind of communication skills required to just say it without starting an argument lol.
He'll get over it. It's good for him to know how you felt. Women are touchy feely emotional beings. Your comments probably bothered you more than him. He will take it for what its worth and move on. You do the same.
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deletelol, so so very true--I'm sure they did bother me quite a bit more than they bothered him.
I agree with the others.... Trying to cover it all up and gloss it over even here doesn't help anyone. You have to be able to feel safe, without fear of him feeling bad or being upset with you for feeling the way you do. Things are cyclical and this is a rough patch for both of you. A small bump, but a bump nonetheless. The type of dynamic we are all living in isnt something you can call your best girlfriend and talk about (well, generally). Here, there is a sense of community and safety that reigns and so I think most often we do come here to vent off steam. I hope it does serve to help to jump start some more effort into that connection you are really missing. I mean there are so many women who wish their husbands would go away, and here you are wishing he had a bit more time for you. It's all good when you spin it for what it really is. I think, the fact that you are missing him and craving his attention speaks about the fact that despite this little bump you two are in a pretty awesome place relationship wise. Big hugs to both of you.
ReplyDeleteHLA,
DeleteI do think this is the kind of thing that doesn't often manifest in the blog because
A, it's not common,
and B, we usually are able to create the kind of space where anything can be shared and said without it deteriorating into an argument.
I think it's important not to whitewash life--doesn't do a damn bit of good.
But I also think it's important to acknowledge that he has feelings too, and make the observation that hurting them wasn't my intention.
He realizes that I need the outlet I have here, and has never made any move to control or censor my writing. I appreciate that and think it's important to be fair with my observations after the overwhelming feelings are spewed out and I can think straight lol.
Totally get it. :)
DeleteI didn't comment on your previous post, partly because i seem to be incapable of coherent expression lately, and because everyone else nailed it so perfectly - esp mamacrow and tori. Cycles - up and down - the difference over time is learning to see them for what they are and to trust that your partner wants you and it and the whole thing, and therefore the cycle will swing up again. Part of learning that - really learning it in your heart not just in an academic way - is expressing the fear and the specific malcontent. It can't be addressed/refuted/fixed until it's named. For us anyhow - i had to hurt his feelings - partly because i had to realize i was able to hurt his feelings on this score - that he cared that much - and also to learn how he wants me to come to him with these things. I think maybe he needed to be made to realize he needed to think about this. Anyhow - very glad to hear you are on the upside.
ReplyDeletegg,
DeleteI do think that seeing the cycles for what they are is a huge step. One that it has taken me a long time to make...
You know, I kind of hate to admit it, but it took me years to realize that I Could hurt his feelings...And yes, if you don't name it and bring it out into the light, it just festers and becomes something far worse than it is.
Thank you.
It is how life is , we all have our highs and lows and writing them helps us process the difficult and complex stuff , its healthy. In years to come when we read back we will see how far we have come.
ReplyDeletesophie,
Deletewriting does help process doesn't it. That's one of the reasons I love it here.
Oh gosh, lil: I think its great you are one of the few you write about reality and I would never take your rant or whine and come away from here thinking, "He isn't being domiant-y enough" ! Like you say, its a cycle. And there are so many outside factors that contribute...changes, absences, life just not pleasing you at the moment--I think its great if the post gave you an avenue to communicate :o) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteBleuame,
DeleteThank you. This comment made me happier than I can say.
I'm sorry it doesn't do you any good to tell him. Getting a point across without an argument sometimes isn't possible. I know we have had plenty like that. They end generally with him mad and silent and me crying and apologizing. We're no more perfect than any other human.
ReplyDeleteBut, as a long time married person, and the daughter of a long time married parents and grand parents who have passed down this advice, here it is: "No matter how good or bad it is right now, this too shall pass". I seriously live by this.
Also, one other thing with is very important to me, is the ability to forgive your other half for being who they are and doing what they do. Most of the time people think I mean they should forgive some ass for being a cheating, lying, scumbag, but that is not it at all. Forgive him for being tired when you wanted to play. Forgive him for being less domly than you would like at a given moment when you needed a show of power. Forgive him for making inappropriate comments that drive you nuts. Forgive him for using force when you wanted tenderness or vice versa. All those little things that we
experience. They can be forgiven.
ancilla,
DeleteIt does do good to talk to him...But it really only works if we have that particular space. I don't know exactly how to describe it, though I have tried in the past.
I do think that forgiveness is part of loving someone unconditionally. It allows us to let go of all those little things which happen along the way, that don't really matter as much as we might think they do at the time.
Yes, you can vent. And yes, it can hurt people's feelings. But as we discussed the other night - we are allowed to have those feelings when that happens, but that doesn't mean we will hold a grudge anymore. And you know what, we really won't.
ReplyDeleteAs far as that comment goes (the one you mentioned), I expounded it into a whole post that will be showing up here soon. It was supposed to go up this week, but we had to pay off the LOL Bribe. :) I told H about your reply though and he had a nice laugh just like you seemed to.
Kitty,
DeleteBeing able to let it go makes such a huge difference. If we don't acknowledge those feelings, it's impossible to truly let them go.
I look forward to reading that post!
Keep on working, great job!
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