Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Learning and Relearning

I was writing my last post, then I read a post somewhere else, then I started thinking...You can see where this is going right?
I recommend caffeine.

When two people begin a relationship, we learn how to interact with each other. Each person learns about the other, and we develop certain habits of interaction.

If we start out on an equal power footing, it becomes necessary to, in part, relearn how to interact as a couple.
I think it's fair to say that we are (hopefully), always growing and evolving together. Regardless of the dynamic of our relationships.

If we think of a relationship as its own little world (bear with me here), we realize that there are many key elements that combine to make it sustainable. Everything is symbiotic and there is a cyclical occurrence wherein each part makes the existence of the other possible.

Earth is an amazing and extremely complex expression of symbiosis. An amazing ecosystem that requires a delicate balance to keep all aspects functioning properly.
And so are relationships.

Occasionally change or outside elements disrupt the established symbiosis of a relationship and we have to adapt.

We interact as humans do--we laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. We become...Us.
Then the concept of a shift in power rears its inspirational little head. And the cycle of our relationship as we know it to be changes.
We are what we were, yet we also become something else.

Suddenly, we are forced to relearn our interactions. We still laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. But symbiosis as we knew it begins to take on a different form.

The balance and needs of our little ecosystem as we know it begin to change.
In the past, we learned about each other and how to interact. Then suddenly, we discover that we have a lot of relearning to do if we are going to keep our little ecosystem functioning.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that, because we have already learned something, we are done learning everything.

If we do not adapt to the process of relearning our relationships after a shift in the power dynamic, we upset that delicate balance of our personal little ecosystem. Because each part of our world is dependent on the other for proper functioning, the self-sustaining cycle crashes and can no longer support itself leaving us wondering what went wrong.
When really? We just forgot that evolution is a process which requires adaptations to be made along the way. Because we will never know all there is to know. And once we learn everything we need to know in this life? We are done living.

The process of learning and relearning each other and the necessities of our own little worlds is journey we all take in one form or another.
And sometimes? Sometimes it's more about the journey than it is about the destination.

Well, that and too much coffee maybe.


  1. Given I had drank three cups of coffee before getting to this, I think I may be on the right wave length for this to make sense.

    But now I'm going to need to do some thinking of my own.

    Because things always change, which I kind of dislike in some ways. There is a difference between minor changes that are just part of growing and evolving...then there are major changes. Not as big of a fan.

    I can see the merit in adapting to minor changes though...even if they do lead to major ones. I guess I'm there now. D/s and BDSM has been put on the back burner for nearly all aspects of my life. (except social bc I only know kinky folks, lol)

    It's a necessary shift for me to get to where I need to be. Which will lead to more changes, and adapting.

    This is becoming far longer than I meant it to be...I see a post in the near future on this. I'll be sure to link back to the place of inspiration. :)

    But yes, your post made lots of sense Lil. No worries about that!

    1. Cuddlykitten,
      I think that minor changes make the big ones easier. Sometimes lots of minor ones can accumulate to become one big change...I think the cumulative ones are a bit easier to deal with.

      Let me know when you write your post. I'd love to read it.

      Glad it made sense! The 3 cups of coffee was probably helpful lol.

    2. So this is where my mind went: http://simplyhis--darkkitten.blogspot.com/2012/11/changes.html

      It's apt for where I am...thanks for the help finding the words for it all. :)

  2. You know, I think that was perfect. Just as we have made the theoretical decision to up and change our relationship...doesn't mean that all of those dynamics change immediately and seamlessly also. Our interpersonal relationship as well as our relationship with others will all change because of the decision we made. And as we grow in our relationship, that difference becomes more pronounces sometimes.

    I think it was just the right amount of caffeine =)

    1. SirQsmlb,
      Exactly! It's one of those things where cumulative small adaptations and changes over time add up to bigger things.

      And that whole seamlessly bit sounds so damn good...But it's not always possible.

      One can never have too much caffeine...So as long as there's lots, it's just right!

  3. I think this is true. And I have contemplated what happens if this aspect of your relationship is not resolvable... is it any less important than all the other aspects? I think that is something that all couples face regardless of the change that they are dealing with. But this one is a bit harder because it is not a "known" stumbling block.

    I think it can be one though.

    1. Kitty,
      It's interesting the things that can turn into unanticipated stumbling blocks.
      It's not always the things you think...Then sometimes the things that sound tremendous, are just not that big of a deal.

  4. From One Submissive to AnotherNovember 14, 2012 at 8:46 AM

    Hi lil,
    Well this post resonated with me a lot. In my case it seems those little changes have slowly become easier to accept but still equally hard to deal with. I think its because we didnt even start off on an equal power footing, my role as alpha was established pretty much right away. My Dom is an amazing person but he kind of needed a little push to get his life together when I first met him. Ok maybe a great big kick is the ass! lol So trying to let him take over has been a lot of frustration mostly because I'm afraid things wont get done if I leave it to him. Im not sure if anyone else feels this way. Basically I've had to learn patience and a lot of it because he will get it done, just slowly which is something I'm not a fan of. Anyways what I'm trying to get at is that in my experience changing the power dynamic has tought (and still really teaching) me how to be patient. When things have been done one way for so long its really hard to let go of that control. Its not that I dont have any responsibilities anymore but part of our D/s relationship is that we wants to handle stuff in our life without me taking over. Well forgive me for the long post (and the spelling wyi I suck at it) Thanks for more insight on this subject.

    1. From one submissive to another,
      I am told that patience is a virtue...It's one that I am still in the process of attempting to a acquire lol.

      I think that letting go of control can be a very difficult thing. Ultimately quite rewarding, but not always easy by any means.

  5. thank you, little steps they say, just little steps to change to keep the ecosystem going. I liked this post a lot...

  6. Thank you ara--glad you enjoyed the post.


Play nice.