The Various Glories of Motherhood

Story of my life lately.

But wait, it gets better! This is my eldest child's current attitude:

And by "current" I mean every day for the last 3 weeks.

So things around my house look a bit like this:

 

 

Remind me again why we don't eat our young?

No matter how I approach my day, the truth is...

Oh so true.

Defining Extremes

I swear that I have written something with this exact same title before...Oh well, if I can't remember, then you shouldn't either!

I read a post yesterday that got me thinking about extremes. Specifically, how we define extremes.

I have been called extreme...But I don't see it. When I think of extremes, I think of having your tits nailed to a board, of my darker fantasies that will most likely never come to life, of...Things we just don't do, I guess.

For me, the cane is extreme (I hates it, I hates it, did I mention that I hate it?). For others, it is a walk in the park.
For me, knives are fun. Oh yes, reduce me to a panting, wet, begging, mess...I digress though...For others, knives are extreme.
For me, too extreme is whatever Alpha says it is.
For some people, getting pissed on is a hard limit. For me, it is like a gateway to subspace.
And so on...

So how do we definitively define extremes, and separate them into categories of black and white?
We don't.
Because extreme, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
We define extremes for ourselves. Then the extremes that we go to are defined by our Dominants.

I doubt that people come through and shudder at the content of my blog, defining me as extreme--because I don't think that I am. But that is, of course, by my own definition and perception.
There's also a notable lack of anonymous dropping in to "save" me. So that probably contributes to my previous assumption...

It's funny though, while the kinky section of Blogland is pretty open and accepting, the more you wander, the more likely you are to encounter two very opposing views on extremes--damn near everything is too extreme, or "I am more extreme than you, therefore I'm better". These days, both approaches just make me shake my head.

The most extreme I get, is being willing to do whatever he wants.

Life Got Away...In the Land of Vanilla

Life has run away from me over the course of the last couple of weeks.
The Kiddo's activities have really taken over everything--too many more days in the car, and I'm not going to be able to stand up straight anymore.

Looks like he'll get placed on the local scholastic chess team that made it to nationals last year. I should be happy about that, right?
It's unfortunate that he has had such a despicable attitude lately...

Me? I'm ready to hermit myself away on the couch and stay there forever.
Did I mention that I have jury duty on Wednesday? Then more soccer, then chess, then more soccer, and more chess...

The worst part? The worst part is, that I have been dreaming chess. Every. Single. Damn. Night. And I haven't even played anyone besides the little guy in over a week.

Though, my husband likes me again, so things could be much worse!


“The beauty of a move lies not in its' appearance, but in the thought behind it”
(Aaron Nimzovich)

Would You Dare?

Would you dare to go where even she fears to tread?

Would you dare to wander 

through the hallways of her mind

to step inside her head

where everything she is 

and everything she was

lays bare before you?

Would you dare to question all that you think you know
about love
about life
about yourself
about your wife?

Would you dare to know someone
better than she knows herself
to know her soul
to take her apart
and make her whole?

Could you take control
yet know
that your next step will depend
on her breath alone?

Would you dare to own her life
 to have every final say
yet make your next choice
because of the look in her eyes?

Can you admit that you were wrong
and still know that you are strong?

Would you dare to take her hand
and dive with her
into the depths of depravity

can you handle the person she is
mind
body
and
soul?

Simply Put...Or Not...

You know how sometimes you know something, but you don't really "Know" it, and one day, all of a sudden, you actually realize what you knew all along?

Yea...I doubt that any amount of coffee is going to make this one coherent...

Anyways...

I realized that there really is no out of this D/s thing. Oh you can logic your way around it all you want, but really--we were made for D/s. I agreed to it, and this is not an arrangement that he will allow me to get out of. Ever.
In some form or fashion, we will always be D/s. And I will always be the s.

A functioning relationship is not just D/s, it is more than power exchange, beyond kink--it is a  symbiotic partnership of human beings.
I think though, that for some of us, Dominance and submission is a requirement for that symbiosis.
I'm not exactly sure when it became a lifetime commitment like marriage...It just kind of happened.

I don't always want to be the submissive.
But as he said the other day, "You know why you can't have whatever your little heart desires, why it is that you can't do whatever you want? Because deep down in your heart, that's not what makes you happy. It's not what you need."
I have thought a lot about that statement. And dammit, it seems to be true. Sometimes I just really want what I want. But it's not what I need. And sometimes, I really don't want what I need, because it's just not what I want.

Sometimes he makes me so mad that I can't even see straight, sometimes I think that he expects the moon and doesn't want to give the stars, sometimes I want out of this particular arrangement of power that we call D/s, sometimes I think that he's pig-headed, arrogant, and just wants his damn way no matter whether it's right or not.
Sometimes, I really don't want what I need because it's really not what I want.
And sometimes...

 Sometimes, things get like this:

We go through this:

And eventually, we will find ourselves here:

Sometimes, we can't have what we want, because it's not what we need.

A Question of Wanting Another

"First I want to thank you. After searching for something to explain this, I've been with my owner for 2 years, just about 6 months ago did we figure out our roles. He had always been called "controlling". I do have a question in here I promise.. If this is too personal I am very sorry ahead of time. **Has your 'alpha' ever wanted to bring another into the bedroom?** I understand why he wants it, but at the same time.. My past has hurt me so that I just want my master all to myself and I get very angry when I even think of another woman touching him, but I also feel upset with myself because it's what he wants. He says I give him everything and I am a good girl, but that just makes me confused... **I give him everything, why would he want another in the bedroom...?*** I'm 22 and he's a 29 year old that looks like hes 22. I don't know if that will help in assessing it..?

Thank you for reading over this long message.

Please advise,
-A very lost Jayne"

Short of asking for an address, I doubt that there is much that would be considered "too personal" here. So no worries.

I think that I pretty much covered this topic here and it's follow-up post which can be found here. In short--yes he has/does. But really, do read those posts--I think they pretty much have everything I have ever written about that particular topic. And while they may be far back in the archives, this is one topic that hasn't really changed or been discussed more since they were written.

I'm not sure what age and looks have to do with the issue...? Besides that he is old enough to have thought about it for a while, and chances are it isn't just an idea inspired by a passing phase.

I understand the confusion that comes with being told that you give him everything and him wanting someone else in the bedroom. I think that the reasoning tends to differ from man to man and relationship to relationship.
For Alpha, I think it is one of those things that is very much about seeing how far I am willing to go to give him what he wants--a way of pushing the limits that I am most strongly attached to perhaps.

I think that how we are able to deal with these concepts is very much dependent on our overall situation--whether we are talking about something just for fun that happens once, or an ongoing relationship that involves three people.

I'm not feeling extremely competent in the advice department these days, but I think that perhaps my best advice would be to talk about it with your Master--why he wants it, what he wants, how you both feel about it, is this a one-time thing, could it be something that happens years down the road, etc.

Fantasies are tricky little critters. Some come to life, and others do not. Some should never happen, and perhaps others should.
The one certainty I have about fantasies is that, if they are to come true, we need to take the time to make sure that their doing so will not damage ourselves, our relationships, or the others who may be involved.

He Thinks, I think...Turns out, Life's a Bitch

I know that a question has been waiting patiently for me for some time. I promise I will get to it, but trust me--I would do the question a real disservice if I tried to answer it today.

He thinks:
"You just want extra kudos for doing what you're supposed to. You are un-submissive, obstinate, and you don't do anything you're supposed to. It's like regressing 7 years. I'm the only one who ever offers solutions, you argue with the kid all the time, I get tired off hearing it and get mad at him. You aren't supposed to do what you want, you're supposed to do as you're told. It's just like going back to the beginning--what am I supposed to do, beat you into submission? I'm tired of always being the bigger person."

I think:
"It really doesn't matter if I do as I'm supposed to--it only matters when I don't. You want submission without having to Dominate. I feel like you think everything is always my fault and I'm never part of the solution. I argue with the kid because it's the only way to get him to do the things I am responsible for getting him to do--chores, school, etc. If there's a better solution, I'll take it. But I haven't found one.
Things that happened years ago keep being dredged back up and held against me. I don't know how to help work towards a solution because nothing I say is right."

One thing's for sure--it is remarkably like life seven years ago. And it's a real fucking bitch.

On Reward and Validation

We humans tend to be quite reward oriented, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.
It seems to me, that the problem with this attachment to reward arises when we get too caught up in expecting reward from external forces.

 I don't feel like submission should be about what I get out of it, what I get back, my rewards.
It shouldn't be about expecting something in return for simply doing as I am supposed to do.

Pleasing is not about getting rewarded, it is simply about being and behaving in a way that he find pleasing. With the knowledge of having done so as its own reward, and an internal sense of fulfillment that doesn't require praise.
Here's the thing...If one doesn't know that how they are/what they are doing is pleasing, then one can merely attempt to avoid behaviors which are not pleasing.

Still, submission and the acts inherent to its existence, need to come from an inner desire to submit, an inner desire to please, and inner drive to live your life as yourself.

I would venture to say that, in the context of a relationship, submitting merely for what one can get out of it, keeps the experience on the shallow end of possibility. It avoids the the depths to which submission is capable of taking us.
To say that Dominance and submission is all about me and what I want or need, would be to take a selfish and ultimately convoluted approach to the whole concept.

At the same time, being human has its pitfalls.

Knowing that I please him, knowing that I am special, knowing that my submission is appreciated, the feeling of being actively owned--those things give me fulfillment.
I feel like his acknowledgement of my submission validates me as a submissive.

I need to know that, after nearly 15 years, he still finds me beautiful, still finds me interesting, still enjoys me for who I am as a whole.
Because underneath it all, I am simply...A human woman, with all the quirks and inconsistencies inherent to my kind.

While I do crave the trappings of whips and chains, the demands and physical expressions that remind me of who and what we are, it is the small daily moments that inspire me.
It is having him in my head and knowing he cares, that encourages me do and be the best that I can be as a submissive.

Submission, for all its trappings of passivity, cannot succeed as a passive endeavor. Just as passive Dominance will only go so far towards inspiring submission.

Submission is important to me because submissive is a part of who I am. Knowing that it matters to him too, makes me feel like I am important to him.

I should submit out of an inner desire to do so, without a constant need for him to drag it out of me by conquering every step of the way.
Yet...
Knowing that he truly cares whether I submit or not, that the quality of my submission matters, that my submission is important to him--I need that validation. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
I think though, that is the expectation of validation that causes issues.

Ultimately, to please should be its own reward. But to be told that one has pleased...Well, that  somehow makes it easier I guess. Even if it shouldn't really matter.

It feels like my musings and struggles have become excessively monotonous and repetitive.
Maybe I just need more coffee...

Something Sweet and Apologetic...

I am sorry that, while we are often on the same page,

lately it feels as if we are reading different books.

I am sorry for the space between us

and that I can't seem to come back on my own.

You know that I love you

you know that I am

and always will be

yours.

I am sorry that I need your help,

that I cannot simply fix it myself,

sorry that I don't know exactly what "it" is.

We have come far together, you and I.

We have gone where others told us not to tread,

together we have created children and buried our dead.

We have come far together, you and I

in our own quiet corner of the lonely sky.

I am sorry my love

for my imperfections, for those days when nothing is ever enough

and everything is too much.

I strive to submit of my own personal desire and sense of being

I strive to be yours when I want to decide on my own

I strive to make the right choices when they are mine alone

I strive to please you by being not what I think I should,

but by being what you desire.

I am sorry that

often I strive and fail.

Sometimes I wonder what you want of me
how I am to please
when you do not wish to put me on my knees
how I am to follow a direction I cannot find.

I am sorry that I cannot seem to reach that place
where submission is self sufficient, self feeding, lacking expectation,
and doesn't so often require your guiding hand.

I am sorry that sorry isn't enough
and that while times are tough
our path has become rough.

Know that you are my guiding light
that when your brightness dims
I come undone,
that though my desires are many,
my one truest need is your happiness.

You told me, "Never forget that you are Mine."
I have not forgotten.
Indeed one of my deepest fears is that you will yourself forget
that I am Yours
mind
body
and
soul.

I am sorry that I most often feel unaccomplished
when I think that you are no longer pleased by me.
Because in a way,
I feel that my greatest accomplishments occur when I am sitting at your feet
because those are the moments
in which I truly find peace.

It is when I find myself on my knees
knowing that you are truly pleased
that I know
your ownership has made me free
and it is okay to just be
me.
At peace with all that is and ever will be.

I Miss Our Space

Life around here has looked something like this lately:

One of the things that delighted me most when we discovered ttwd, was the discovery of a certain place.
Not a place like the bedroom, or any specific physical place. More of a space really.
A space where anything can be said, any secret spilled, any thought shared, any feeling aired, and while there may be consequences, there is no judgement. No argument. No strife. Just acceptance that it is what it is, and we are what we are.

I would give a great deal to rediscover that space. I am familiar with the ebb and flow of things that comes with living life. But quite honestly, at this point, I could give a crap less how "normal" it is.

We had an actual yelling and tears fight the other day. He had to go and nothing got resolved. Though he did return home with a very sweet and apologetic card which I appreciated very much.

And I have discovered just how infuriating it can be when someone feels the same way as you do. It doesn't sound like it should be infuriating right? Except it is.
When he says that he feels like I blame everything on him, and I feel like it's the opposite and that he acts like it's all my fault? It's like hitting your head on a brick wall. Repeatedly.

Sometimes blogging is hard. Because it's about self expression, it's about how I feel, it's about my life as I perceive it to be.
And sometimes I'm angry with him, sometimes I'm hurt at him, sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel critical--of him or myself. Sometimes I'm just damn well disillusioned with life.
Sometimes the blog becomes a point of contention, an expression of thought to argue about, the start of a fight.

He said that I have been about as un-submissive as humanly possible lately, and that's probably true. Though, I would be inclined to argue that there are heights not yet reached.

He asks me what's wrong, I don't want to tell him. Then I say it and he's angry.
'Round and 'round we go.

Oh hell, I don't even know why I'm bitching. Really, today has been a pretty good day.

I just miss that space. Our space. My place. Where anything can be felt, and anything can be said. Where everything can be shared and all can be bared. Where it is all okay because he loves, likes, and wants me despite it all. It gets lonely behind the walls when one becomes used to not being able to hide behind them.

I miss feeling like it's okay to bare my soul, like it's okay for him to know my private thoughts, like it would be an aberration for him not to know the thoughts in my mind...I miss feeling like at his feet is where I am meant to be, the way it feels when his hand strokes my hair and lingers on my neck...
I miss feeling like he finds me beautiful, feeling like he finds me pleasing, feeling like I am never alone in my own mind.

I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling that no matter what he sees, it is all going to be okay, and he will love me anyways.

Not Enough Time in a Day

You know those days when you don't have to leave the house so things should be simple, but there's just way to much to do in one day?
Today has definitely been one of those days.

Got up and had coffee.
Folded laundry.
Made Alpha and kiddo lunch.
Did laundry.
More coffee.
Ventured into the shed, risking life and limb to retrieve kindergarten curriculum.
Started cleaning house.
Developed migraine.
Gave up on house.
Started the little guy's kindergarten lessons.
More friggin laundry.
Started teaching myself algebraic chess notation so I can teach kiddo and he can have it down by his first tournament on Sunday.
Migraine attempted to kill me.
More laundry.
Contemplated the dishes.
Made coconut banana cream pie.
Tried to convince overachieving small child that more kindergarten would make mom's head explode.
Did more kindergarten.
Glanced furtively at the chicken coop and firmly decided that the eggs can wait until someone brave comes home.
Decided that I had algebraic chess notation all figured out, and proceeded to become highly irritated when I couldn't understand why sometimes sometimes it's Rc1 and others it's Rdb8. There's also the small issue of why N3d2, not just Nd2...
Decided that Alpha will clear up my remaining confusion when he gets home.
Made more coffee.
Gave up and did the dishes.
Realized why everybody at school hated me and my obsession with overachieving, as I attempted to convince small child that more kindergarten today was completely unnecessary.
Celebrated minor victory.
More algebraic notation.
Resigned myself to the fact that I'll be spending my week playing chess.
Cleaned the bathroom.
Decided to write something sweet and apologetic to Alpha.
Wrote this instead.

There's always tomorrow right?

To sum it all up...

Imagine that, apparently somebody made a downloadable statement so that the story of my life could be summed up in one little square!
As an added bonus, it is also lacking the excessive verbosity to which I am sometimes prone.

I'd say that pretty much covers it...

The Value of Advice is Dependent on its Source

I think that there are a fair amount of new submissives (can someone please tell me why Blogger insists that "submissives" is not a valid word when I intend it to be in the plural form?) who reach out and ask for advice from bloggers.
I'll admit that I often feel a moment of stress when asked for advice. Because well, what makes them think that I know what I'm talking about, I think I'm pretty clueless most of the time...And no one wants to fuck up that kind of advice right?
But I like to think that they could do worse, so I always try to provide them with thoughtful responses which I hope they find helpful.

One thing I have noticed though, is the tendency of many new Dominants to not appreciate advice from submissives. Indeed, they occasionally seem to take serious offense at it on the grounds that they are Dominant and subs are...Submissive.

Now, I can totally understand the value of getting advice from an experienced Dominant, and I'm not knocking it in the least; however, I wonder at the validity of a thought process wherein someone believes that a submissive lacks the ability to offer thoughts that may be helpful to a Dominant.

After all, it would be ludicrous to assume that one learns the best way to Dominate their partner from some omnipotent and ethereal entity in the sky, right?
I will admit that sometimes a good portion of it is innate character; however, while we do learn from them, they also learn from us.

In my opinion, if we are to categorically state that a Dominant cannot learn from a submissive, we are then saying that he is entirely to dense to be in charge of anyone, or that the Dominant can never really know his submissive--because knowing requires learning.

It is true that the value of advice is dependent on its source. But people's thoughts and suggestions should not be discounted simply because of which side of the D/s slash they reside on.

Alpha runs my life to the extent he wishes to. No more and no less. Yet, when he wants advice, I am the person he asks. This is due in no small part to the fact that he knows I will always have his/our best interests in mind. But it's also because I have a brain that, for the most part, works quite well.

Really, we aren't much different from the rest of the world--some people are worth listening to, and some are not.
I have always believed that it is a person's mind and experience that give their advice value, not their status.

A litany of...

You guessed it, complaints!

~My dryer is making odd and unnatural sounds.

~My kid seems to think that it's perfectly acceptable to turn in a perfect paper followed immediately by a failing one. Seriously, some days I think that home schooling was my worst idea everrrrrrrr. Frustrates the shit out of me.

~I think my husband has been exceptionally condescending and unkind.

~He thinks that I've been a bratty bitch.

~The last two statements have yet to even each other out. Both have possible merit though.

~I seriously need to get over staying awake worrying about random shit every night.

~To say that I had zero libido would be rounding up. I'm currently on the negative end of the number line.

~My kids are making me think that it's unnatural to not eat one's young.

~I am refusing to exercise today because I have spent the entirety of my life attempting to gain wight, only to discover that I'm now 5-10 pounds over where I wanted to be.
Okay, that's not really why I'm skipping the exercise today--I just damn well don't want to do it.

~Clearly, hormones are not my friends.

Balance

Last night, we saw an artist who got me to thinking about balance.
I think that we often get carried away with our ideas about how things should be, about what is important and what is not.

Complimentary and interdependent opposing forces

We get wrapped up in our mental images revolving around what life is about. When really, everything down to the tiniest cell is about balance.
A balance which we as humans tend to be woefully unaware of, and seem to do our very best to disrupt as much as possible. For instance, here genetically modified food is considered normal--a concept which I find abhorrent and more than a little terrifying. One cannot mess with the basic building blocks of existence and expect the balance that has always been to maintain indefinitely.
In fact, I think that most of the issues we face as humans on earth today, come down to the very basic truth that we live in a world which has become extremely unbalanced.
But I digress...

In the natural creation of all things there is an amazingly intricate balance. Like a delicate dance performed to the perfect tune, where every step and every note are intricately woven together.

In my opinion, it is in the disruption of balance where most problems arise in health, happiness, relationships...Life.
From an outside perspective, D/s may appear to be an extremely unbalanced concept; however, I believe that Dominance and submission are, by there very nature, an epitome of the expression of Yin and Yang--opposing forces that are not in opposition to each other, and wherein the existence of each individual aspect is dependent on the other.

For us, not living our relationship in the form of power exchange was unbalanced. And while things were often good, and we loved each other deeply, that lack of balance often led to unnecessary disruption and disputes.
With D/s came balance. When we get off track it is because, in some form or fashion, our balance has been disrupted.

At its very core, life, earth, existence, the universe itself--are all inherently and intricately dependent upon balance.

Realizations

A little while back, I had this realization...Keep in mind that I'm (obviously) a bit slow on the uptake often sometimes.

Ttwd, it's not new to me anymore. I know right, what a shocker. And it only took me years to come to this realization.

I mean, seriously--after 6-7 years, it's time to quit playing the lost beginner right?

I think that perhaps it's a case of the fact that I take issue with people who "know it all."
I stumble and crash often enough to be quite aware that I don't know it all, so I try to avoid statements that make me sound reasonable more knowledgeable than I really am.

Because the truth is

Just ask a teenager, they know everything--except this.

And I don't ever want to be one of the people who forgets that we are all always learning. Because the instant we decide that we have learned all there is to learn? We have made our continued growth and evolution impossible.

Things change you know. Often, we pause and stay in the same place for a time. Then he will decide to adjust our direction, change a thing or two, and we start off traveling in the same direction, but on a slightly different path.
And I'm good with that. Because life is about the journey, not just the destination.

Things I am Supposed to Do

There has been a lot of things that have slid by the way over the past months.
Things that I am supposed to do.
Things that I decided he didn't care about because it didn't seem to matter to him whether I did them or not.
Things that he reminded me last night under no uncertain circumstances
I am supposed to do.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that I didn't have to do them because it seemed like he didn't care if I did them.
Because it seemed like they didn't really please him. And if they didn't please him, why bother to do any of it?

I made the assumption that I could decide what pleased him based on his reactions or lack thereof. Instead of relying on doing what I had been told to do to be pleasing.

Suddenly he has this vested and serious interest in how I take care of myself. In a way, it's a bit irritating, because I'm not ten anymore.
In another way? It's actually extremely hot. Like whips and chains hot, only in a different way.
Don't ask me why because I couldn't say exactly. But somehow it's a huge turn-on.

And suddenly, all those things that slid by the way because I decided they didn't please him when they really actually did, are back on the table. They are every day expectations to live up to.
Because I don't get to choose what pleases him.

When the Tables Turn

The amount of people who do or do not read here is something that I never really put a whole lot of thought into.
I mean, I pretty much ignore the silent majority, and am more than happy to converse with the ones who drop by and offer their thoughts on a regular basis.

Then page views surpassed 200,000. I got some seriously odd emails. Some people even started assuming that I knew what I was talking about! Oh the horror of it all...And people started telling me that they were reading the blog from beginning to present.
Good grief, I don't read it! And I'm pretty sure that even Alpha has missed a post here and there.

I seriously thought about running off and starting another one. You know, somewhere nice and quiet where absolutely nobody places any expectation or value on the words, and barely anyone ever shows up...

Then I thought about it...And I really do adore those of you who visit on a regular basis. I notice when you don't come around, and I am concerned for you when the universe decides that it's your turn to reside in the Universal Dumping Ground.
You inspire me, help me expand my perceptions, kick me when I need it, give me awesome recipes, and make me laugh when self-pity sets in and I want to cry.
I am grateful for your presence.

And I remembered our beginning years of ttwd. How I was so desperate for there to be others like me in the world, how I searched for people who made some semblance of sense out of all the craziness in my mind, and how I read some blogs from beginning to end.

So I'll keep my crazy little corner of the internet. Because I like it here.

I still remember the first two blogs that I devoured from the very beginning of their story to the last word on the page. I am still grateful for their existence, and the peek they gave me into a world that I wanted so badly to understand and live.

A Dominant Character, which no longer exists, but has come back in the form of What Does It Mean To Be Dominant, and Submissive Reflections, which has not been updated in years, but is still there.
I never said a word when I discovered them, but I read every single word that they wrote.

Why should I begrudge anyone their interest now that the tables have turned?

We are what we are. And sometimes, all we need is to know that what we are is okay.

The Problem Is...

Oh, just one problem? Okay, so I rounded down by a few hundred. No need to be picky.

I'm a bit on the sensitive side (don't laugh, I do try to hide it well). You know that woman who flies off the handle and totally becomes a raging mess over, "You're not sure what"?

Hi my name is lil, and I would much rather yell at someone than admit that they hurt my feelings.

For me, one of the less pleasing things that happened when we really began exploring ttwd, was that I found it took very little criticism from Alpha to make me cry.
It was like, suddenly what he thought and how he felt mattered more than I ever imagined that it could.

When we began to push further into intensity, everything became more intense.The love, the pain, the happiness, the intimacy, the hurt feelings--all of it.

As soon as he announced that he was going to quit smoking, I knew that I had better toughen up a bit. Withdrawal makes you cranky, and if I took everything to heart, I would be a sobbing useless wreck, and we would spend the majority of our time fighting.

I think that I did pretty good, he tried really hard not to be mean, and he's pretty much made it out the other side of cranky.
The thing is...He has now moved on to the general unhappiness stage. Which is really, (and quite selfishly) difficult for me, because he's the optimistic, positive, upbeat one in this relationship.
I have the mood swing, cynical, and people suck, market cornered. And there's just not enough room in that corner for both of us.

The problem is...

The other night was the most intensely that we have played for a while. Oh who am I kidding, it was the first time in ages that we have played at all.
There's a certain drop that sometimes happens afterwards, and the longer we go between nights like that, the more intense the drop.

I seriously hate being all sensitive and prone to tears. It irritates me to no end, and I'm sure that dealing with it can be somewhat incredibly irritating as well.

I was feeling pretty thin-skinned yesterday, and just didn't deal well with anything he did or didn't say.

The problem with being owned is...
Everything one's owner says, does, and feels, means...Everything.
Their mood and words can be like the difference between a sunny day and a winter storm when it comes to how one feels and perceives the world.
And, illogically, I often find myself believing that any unhappiness of his is a direct reflection of his happiness with me.
That sentence didn't make sense did it? That's okay--illogical thought processes don't have to make sense lol.