Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving thanks--dysfunctional style

I'm gonna skip the whole holiday bit today...After all, I'm more important to me right lol.

Anyone who has personal experience with self harm may want to skip out now and visit one of the lovely reads over on the right. Your call.

Disclaimer duly posted.

I had a very bad day yesterday and it actually had a quite a lovely ending. First off, I was predisposed to angst--holidays have been kind of rough over the last couple of years. I miss my father. And you might think that the day they spent bitching about a holiday originating in massacre would be the last time you would miss someone, but it's really not. Truthfully, I miss sitting there eating swearing up and down that we all know the story and begging him to stop before passing the cranberry sauce.

Secondly, angst got a hold of me in other ways and just turned into outright rage and misery about things/people completely unrelated to my underlying sadness (eight year old boy with major attitude problem, free to good home!)

That all being said, I used to be a cutter. It's not something I talk about, and rarely do I think about it either. I don't need anybody to tell me self harm is stupid (accidents however, are something klutzes like me are quite prone to. And they happen lol). But I do now have more of an understanding of what compelled me to do so than I ever have before.
In my early teens it was an attempt at scrubbing a layer of filth off my being that I just couldn't get rid of. It was never an extremely common experience for me, but in later years I did it for different reasons (well, perhaps a bit of both). It became about rage. The kind of rage where you just want to break things and smash another person's face into something. It was about not being able to release excess negative feeling. And cutting gave me that.

I haven't so much as looked at a razor in over five years and thought about doing anything besides cleaning windows with it.

Alpha wasn't home yesterday and I was having a Very bad day. I wanted to break things. Beat my kid, and maybe blow up the world just for shits and giggles. Since none of those options was feasible, my irrational and raging brain offered me another solution that seemed much more doable.

I thought about it. A lot. And self harm is against the rules. Oh so very clearly against the rules. It's not a "oh crap I forgot to ask if I could wear underwear" kind of offense either. And all I could see in my mind was Alpha's face--that look of utter disgust and disappointment that makes me feel like I am an inch tall and just crawled out of the sewer.

So when He got home, I confessed my weak moment. Hastily pointing out that I hadn't actually done anything, I saw the look of disappointment. Thankfully lacking in complete disgust, but disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.

One of the ways that ttwd serves us is that it allows me to let go of sadness and rage through pain. It gives Him a healthy outlet for His own anger (and before anyone climbs up on their mighty little high-horse, He has never punished or struck me in anger. Nor do I believe He ever will).

I confessed my mental crimes. Alpha sighed and informed me that I was going to be punished. On one hand I was kind of hurt about it, I mean I hadn't actually done it after all. On the other hand, I was thankful because I needed it for many reasons. Primarily because it would give me my fix. A way to let everything inside. Just. Go.

He whipped me with the riding crop. 20 strikes can be enjoyable or unbearable. These were most definitely Not the enjoyable kind. He told me that He was sorry He had to punish me but He didn't want me thinking those kinds of things. That He was sad because He thought we were beyond this, that my pain His His domain. Then He looked at me with sadness pouring out His eyes, and informed me that He was very disappointed.
Yea, I couldn't let myself cry from the pain, but that one sentence was the very last straw. And I cried. As He slowly kissed away the pain, He said this was behind us once again, that my pain is His domain and if I need it I have to ask Him to give it, that He loved me deeply and was going to use me.
He gave me a new orgasm record (not much for most of you lol, but incredible for me), and passed out on the couch beside me since I'm still sleeping on the floor.

I don't know that I have ever given such a genuine "thank you" for punishment in my whole life.

I am thankful for that punishment. And I am thankful that He knows what I need and is willing to give it to me.


  1. Lucky for all of us that you and I both have enough of a conscience to abstain from "blowing up the world for shits and giggles". I know that feeling of rage intimately.

    I don't know if it helps, but you are not alone, in either how you feel, or how you were tempted to deal with it. I'm glad your Alpha knew what to do.


  2. While I have gone that far, I can completely relate to wanting to blow up the world.

    Even more do I know the release from a good flogging.

    Glad you have Alpha to keep you even!


  3. I'm glad you refrained from hurting yourself, and that you have Alpha to help you gte the release you need and forgiveness.


  4. Scars. i have my share of them....some very old, others fairly new. Oh, how i know the dance, the feeling of it needing to burst through your skin, having nowhere to go with it, until the only way to let it out is to cut...and i'm equally familiar with the look, the disappointment, the disgust.

    You have more willpower than i do, i'm afraid, because the last time i felt that way, i succumbed. And the punishment is to be shunned, ignored....and to know that i let Him down.

    You're strong, lil. Take refuge in that!


  5. lm, well concience helps, lacking worldwide power is probably good too though lol. And it's always nice to know you aren't alone.

    Mindset, you are (almost) anonymous eveytime I see you these days lol. I'm glad I have Him to keep me even too.

    William, Thank you for the thoughts. It's always most difficult to forgive oneself isn't it?

    pepper, you describe the feeling quite well. And my strength is something I debate with--give me birth and death, deeply traumatic experiences, once in a lifetime events of suffering, and I rise to the challenge, surprising even myself. Give me one too many bad days in a row? And I'm far less stable than I like to think lol.

  6. I am annonymous when posting from my laptop. It won't acknowledge my existence. Lol

  7. you are not alone... hugs!

  8. viemora, it is good not to be alone. Thank you.


Play nice.