Thursday, November 17, 2011

submissive vs submission and don't Dominate me because I want it

I was browsing around and found this post, over at A Bedroom Dom. He feels that submissive is defined by the need to submit, someone who has it in their bones and cannot deny it. Whereas submission is simply the act of submitting. It's not a need or a deep seated state of being. It is done only for the other partner and does not stem from any internal need (I have taken creative liberties lol).

It seems that different people place different values on each side of the coin.  For some Dominants submission is more valuable because it's something their partner neither needs or particularly wants. They appreciate that the effort is made on their behalf and the arrangement works well for them. I see this view highlighted most often in dd blogs. 
On D/s blogs, this kind of submission seems to lead to a fair amount of frustration. It shows in statements like "she let me" which are met with some curiosity and confusion by people like myself.

I find it interesting to look at submission/submissive from this perspective. Because sometimes I feel like my submission is selfish--I need it. It doesn't just serve Alpha, it serves me. It feeds some deep seated need in my being. That's one of the reasons I don't feel like my submission is a gift (Alpha disagrees with me here. Our views may be contradictory, but it works for us). I don't feel that it really matter much if I see it as a gift or not--He does. And maybe that's one of the things that makes our relationship what it is. I certainly do love Him just a bit extra for it. I guess that, in a way, it soothes my insecurities.

I have thought a lot about the difference between being Dominated because it's what a sub needs vs being Dominated because it's what a Dom wants [Edit] or who He is. Because much like submissive, Dominant is about who/what you are. Thanks to Sir J for the comment that gave me this missing piece.

It seems like there is a huge difference between the feeling you get when being Dominated to please yourself  and being Dominated because it pleases Him to do so. Like pain inflicted Because He likes it, not because I want it--there's like this circular feeding thing that happens. If it gets Him off that feeds my pleasure which in turn increases His.

I think that in the beginning of ttwd, Alpha Dominated me because it had become apparent that I wanted it (through His discovery of my wayward and secret internet explorations detailed somewhere around here). And it didn't feel quite right. Not that it wasn't good, it was just lacking whatverthehellitis that makes me need what He wants--specifically Him Dominating me for Himself. Not because I wanted it. I'm not sure why or how that changes things, but it does.
In retrospect, I think that Alpha repressed His Dominance for a very long time.
I was wounded and damaged (now I'm just damaged lol) so he held back those tendencies in Himself that He felt I couldn't cope with.

He used to inflict pain on me because I liked it. Now He does it because it gets Him off. And while perhaps I like pain less now, I get more enjoyment from the experience itself. In a very big way, His pleasure is mine. And that's not something I ever thought I would find myself saying.

Okay, back on mental track here--it definitely feels deeper and more intense to be Dominated for His pleasure not my own. But I also think that those who Dominate out of love not need/want are showing a lot of love for their partners. Even if it does go against an intrinsic submissive need--to please and be used for the pleasure of another and not their own.
I believe it works both ways too--those who submit out of love not need or intrinsic desire are giving the biggest gift they can give.

The truth is, anyone can Dominate but not everyone is Dominant. And anyone can submit but not all are submissive.


  1. I liked this at perhaps more amazingly I followed it ;)
    I dominate not because she wants it (although she does so that is nice) or perhaps even because I want it. I do it because it is who I am. I have always been a take charge kind of guy as long as I can remember. Not always or so much a leader but even when I was not leading I was the person the leader checked with.

  2. Bravo!!
    A fantastic post!
    It has been my experience that although certain activities may begin because I enjoy them, at some point the pleasure shifts. Master begins to desire that activity because he enjoys my reaction, which flips it into becoming something HE wants. I'm never really sure when that happens and often only see it in retrospect.
    If I muttered something like, "don't do this to please me, I'm not in the mood," and the response is a painful yank of my hair and menacing growl--then I know it's not for or about me. *smiles* And that's the way I like it.

  3. This is about the most articulate description of this whole thing I've seen. I do get lost in it. Our dynamic is still in the stage that most of the time I believe and feel he is doing it because he wants to and likes this way better than what we were before. There are still times I wish he felt the same overwhelming need for my submission that I do for his dominance. Those tend to lead to really dark places for me. Objectively- he is different than me, he feels it differently, he describes it differently. But he tells me that i'm wrong forges on and does his thing. Is ther a point at which I will be able to just know it is what I wanted, and stop wondering? Q

  4. Well said, very well said.Greengirl is right,the word picture you have drawn is clear and concise.

  5. Yes, I agree that you said it wonderfully lil. I have attempted to express the same sentiments on my own blog many times, but so much less articulately than you have done! What you write encapsulates everything I feel.

    Unfortunately, I just don't know where I will end up with respect to my husband. I *need* him to dominate me because he wants to not because I want it. Anything else would be a compromise - not that one can't compromise, but still..... You have given me a lot to think about. :)

  6. Wow, this really hits home, I have felt like my submission is selfish. His dominance is something I need. I also have realized that much like you describe, my husband repressed his dominance because I was wounded and damaged, couldn't cope. We are slowly finding our way, I have had small glimpses of that feeling from being dominated because it pleases him, that circle that feeds itself. Its pretty amazing. Thanks for articulating it so well for me.

  7. This was really interesting to read. I think I understand :) For me, I 'need' his dominance which in turn makes me feel submissive whether I want to be or not? And I get off on feeling his dominance and my submission, and here's the thing, he has started to feel this way too. So I suppose I also (try to but fail on occassion!) submit because I know he wants me to, and he is dominant because he knows I like it and somehow, somewhere down the line we've met in the middle and I feel as if I've unleashed in him, his natural instinctive need to dominate which has unleashed a whole pandora's box of submissive feelings I always felt were there somewhere but it took that one special person to properly unlock them? Hmmm.......... Not sure I'm making any sense now lol!

    Dee x

  8. I totally understand the cycle of need and desire feeding each other. My squirrel and I soar to incredible heights sometimes, each feeding off the other's perfect need. Strange and wonderful how nicely the hands fits the glove.

  9. I definitely agree with the end. My Master did the same thing held back the Dom in himself because he didnt think I could cope with it. Hugs

  10. Oh my goodness, this whole thing seems to be going in circles in my head! If my wife desires to be Dominated in some way, but I don't give her what she wants but instead Dominate her for myself, doing what I want, that then increases the feeling of being Dominated that she craves, which actually gives her what she wanted in the first place!

    Hmmm...this gives me much to think about...and perhaps an experiment or two is in order. Good thing the weekend is coming!

  11. HHmmm... isn't it so wild how a couple of words so similar can be so different! Interesting!

    BTW...I gave you a Versatile Blogger Award...check out my blog!

  12. so glad I could help, your very welcome.

  13. Sir J, sometimes I don't even make sense to myself lol. Translating into words is sometimes difficult for me. And as I said above, thank you for the input.

    Dannah, thank you. It's an intersting shift isn't it.

    gg, thank you. I struggled with it for a while. I think there is a point where the wondering can cease. But I also know that, for some of us, it is in our nature to wonder about everything. So perhaps it is part of the territory and accepting it helps it pass?

    lm, thank you. I did try! Sometimes I have a hard time translating my own words and I wonder if it will make any sense at all to anyone.

    maui girl, glad I was able to sum it up adequately and inspire thought.

    faerie, you are quite welcome. It seems we have perhaps more than I thought in common. You have described feelings and experiences on your blog which mirror ones I have had myself. And I thank you for that.

    Dee, sometimes I think that making sense is overrated lol. And it is quite the Pandora's Box--though hopefully it works better for us than it did for her.

    Wolf, is is a very cyclical experience isn't it.

    tiffany, I have found that interesting things happen when we stop repressing who we are.

    Jake, ummm...Are you tring to confuse me?? Okay, I get that. I think. So I'm going to agree lol.

    Mikki, thank you. I feels special.

  14. What I wonderful post and it has given me a lot to think about, as this has been on my mind a lot this week.

    When G & I are on the same page and everything is clicking, I don't feel selfish. I think it is a very symbiotic relationship, each giving and receiving what the other wants and needs...

    ...but my problem and struggle is: I do still feel & act selfish, when he doesn't dominate me, they way I want. I am working on it.

    @Jake, that is it actually very accurate. I wrote about an awesome session we had on Wednesday. What made it so awesome was at the end, I really didn't want anal sex. It had been a long time and I knew it was going to be painful. He absolutely didn't care and took me anyway. The fact that he used me, exactly how he want with no regards to my feelings made me far, far more content and owned than anything in a long, long time and is the best feeling ever. I would be ecstatic if I could my mind in that place on a regular basis.

  15. This really touched me: "Because sometimes I feel like my submission is selfish--I need it. It doesn't just serve Alpha, it serves me."

    I really *get* that.

    And I love the ending quote too! :)

  16. marriedwithsex, thank you. Sometimes it takes a it of work to accept that a big part of everything is accepting the way they choose to Dominate.

    viemora, I love that you *get* it. And thank you.


Play nice.