Alpha knows when I "check out." Lights on or off. When I think it's not obvious. Even to myself.
He was fucking me and He stopped. Running His fingers gently through my hair and caressing my face, He asked me "where you at little one?" And it took me a minute to respond, because sometimes I'm not even sure myself.
"I'm sorry that I'm not a multi-orgasmic whore constantly begging to fuck your brains out Master." Because that's what He had before me. And even though He chose me? I sometimes think about what she had that I do not. I don't think about the reasons He chose me instead--that He wanted someone capable of thinking for themselves, with a strong will to bend, with a mind that He finds beautiful. A woman who could stand at His side and weather the storms without falling apart.
Na, I don't think about those things because sometimes I am ruled by my insecurities. Sacrilege right? Because I'm supposed to be ruled by Alpha. But insecurities are a bit like hormones--they lay in wait to ambush you when least expected.
His response to my apology was typically simplistic as He began moving slowly, He said, "It's good to have goals."
And it made me smile. Because while I may struggle with self acceptance? He accepts me as I am. Everything. And the parts He doesn't like so much? He helps me change them. And even if it takes years to do so, He still takes me as I am along the way.
The truth is, I doubt anyone really becomes that which they compare themselves to. Because each individual is unique. It's good to be happy with who you are. And I am.
But it's good to have goals too.