Saturday, November 26, 2011

Growing Pains

Long ago I had this realization that I couldn't control my own sexuality. And since I couldn't control it, I repressed it. While my brain-to-mouth filter is terrible a bit lacking, my ability to repress things is actually rather good. I can push things so far down that even I can't seem to reach them.

I am used to being in control of desire. Well, in a one-way-street kind of manner--turning it off. Can't turn it on to save my life, but I am very good at turning desires off.

Growth can be painful. Some of the most defining experiences of my life were the most painful. But they made me grow. Unwillingly perhaps lol, but evolution nonetheless.

I'm having a little crisis of self. While I feel like I am growing and changing for the better, I also question myself--what does it mean, who will I be, how will it go? I feel like I have jumped in the deep end and never actually learned how to swim. That I am becoming someone I don't know how to be.

Alpha says that I think to much. That I am afraid of myself.
Really though, is there anything more terrifying and unavoidable as oneself? After all, there is a wanton needy whore locked up down there. And she is seriously lacking in self control.


  1. That is why it is a good thing for me to let daddy control my sexuality. The problem is when he is unavailable. I miss my permanent fwb.


  2. lmao my security word was "hotban" which is what I feel like I am on when daddy isn't around.


  3. perhaps the question you need to ask is what is so important about self control? Or to put it another way often we talk about self control we are actually talking about behaving in a way society deems important. So the question you?

  4. mindset,
    it's so nice to have a regular anonymous that has good things to say! lol.
    You do make a good point though, control of desires is perhaps less important when there is someone else to control them for you.

    Sir J,
    Hmmm, i don't feel that behaving in a way society deems as important really factors in for me. I grew up largely outside of society and have never really fit seamlessly into it lol. I would have to say--I do not generally behave in a way society deems as important.

    For the other, I place a very high value on self control. I have known too many people who lacked it. And their lack of it hurt those around them.
    In a D/s and marriage perspective, I can see how spending to much time focusing on self control doesn't leave much room for someone else's control. On the other hand, if a Dominant doesn't have self control, how can a sub hand control over to them?
    I guess I value self control very highly in Alpha and it seems a bit hypocritical not to exercise it myself.
    Though I am beginning to think that, for someone in my position, excessive self control is perhaps a barrier to further growth.

  5. Questioning ourselves helps us be the best we can be. :)

  6. viemora, quite true. But sometimes I wish I could shut it off. Just for a bit.


Play nice.