Friday, November 25, 2011

Tell and some Transcendence

Interrupting regularly scheduled programming for show and tell. Well, tell anyways. I doubt I'll ever "show" lol.
I have a long held, deeply personal, and completely involuntary Thanksgiving tradition: I will accidentally mess myself up in any possible way that presents itself.
Some exhibits from past years include:
Almost chopping my finger off with an ax, multiple occasions of shutting my fingers in car doors, and various kitchen knife malfunctions.
My skills are spectacular!
This year, I am pleased to report that I have neared my previous (though still standing), record with the ax--twisted ankle on the way out the door. So umm, I guess my lesson here is be thankful I still have fingers and haven't broken anything besides my pride? Well, pride is overrated anyways.

Now back to the regularly scheduled rambling...

Sometimes I think my posts come out so raw that the negativity is what draws attention. Very rarely are my posts as much about the issues I'm having, as they are about what I gained or am trying to learn from a particular issue/experience. I guess what I'm getting at is that my hope is not to leave people with a description of my problems as much as to highlight growth through them and find my own way.
When I write about painful events, I don't want sympathy. I do it because it is part of my crazy little journey. It is a reflection of being human, something we all share, an inevitable occurrence on the path of life.
I believe that writing isn't so much about where we want to be and what we want people to see, as it is about the journey and sharing the truths that we discover along the way.

In reality, as crappy as my week was, I have had realizations that are...transcendent? And yes, I did look it up for good measure lol:

"1 a : exceeding usual limits : surpassing b : extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience c in Kantian philosophy : being beyond the limits of all possible experience and knowledge
2: being beyond comprehension" 

Looking back at past events and facing old ways of thinking, it made me take a mental step in the present.
And I'm not sure where it's going, though I am obsessively faithfully attempting to figure it out.

For a long time my physical limits had a huge hand in defining our sex life and our relationship as a whole. Over the years we learned that the majority of my physical issues were merely a manifestation of mental issues. And damned if those don't have the potential to be so much harder to heal.
ttwd changed everything. Mostly, I believe, because it starts in the mind. The less Alpha allows my perceptions and preconceived notions of my physical and mental limitations to define our interactions, the better my body and mind adapt.

Have I quit making sense yet? Because I haven't analyzed this to death yet you know; so I'm still on the fence as to whether or not it makes sense. I'm not finished dissecting it and examining all the various parts; though I am starting to think there might actually be such a thing as over analyzing.

The thing is, the deeper we go down the rabbit hole, the more terrified I become. Because I am so brilliant with walls, I mean, I gots major skills--you want a practically impenetrable wall that wraps around the world? I can build it in my mind. And various ones have been slowly toppling over time.
And I made a decision a long time ago--that I would not need, desire wouldn't fuel me, I would not be whateverthehellitis I appear to be turning into.
Yea, I just knew I could not allow myself to be a wanton whore.
At the same time, this is merely a manifestation of something that I have been both craving and repressing for a very long time. My brain-to-mouth filter is broken somewhat lacking, but repression is one of the more questionable skills that I have down to a science.

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