Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Question of Friends and D/s

Okay, before I get going here, I got Alpha to say he'd play along with question and answer month, but he reserves the right to answer or pass them off to me lol. So if you've got any for him, leave 'em in a comment or email me (he never checks his email). Chances are I'll be the one to type it up anyways lol.

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 I got a question that I feel woefully unqualified for, mostly because I gave up on cultivating friendships a couple of years ago. But here it is, and if anyone has anything helpful to contribute, please do chime in.
So here's the comment from M_Akitten:

"lil this couldn't have come at a better time, I am trying to explain to a so-called friend about my choice to be His. I mistakenly thought I could trust her and in a moment of weekness I told her about D/s (stupid stupid move i know) now I need some really enlightneing stuff to add to the e-mail to her. i am not so good with words,"

It's worth pointing out that I have turned into one of those people who doesn't have a problem dropping friends who have issues with Alpha or our relationship. Therefore, my thoughts might not be extremely helpful to your situation.

I think that it's quite possible some people will never be able to accept it, no matter how great the phrasing of explanation. 

So how would I explain my choice to be owned to someone who didn't understand it?

There are some pretty obvious markers of unhealthy relationships. A real D/s relationship is not going to display those. So if she has concerns for your well-being, it might be worth pointing out that she's having a hard time understanding it because your relationship is different than the kind she is used to and views as normal.

I think that most people who object to D/s equate it with abuse because that is the only context they can see it in. If your relationship was actually abusive, you never would have told her anything in the first place. D/s isn't about anger and fear--it's about giving power to someone who is willing to take it and use it wisely in the best interests of you and your relationship. 

D/s is your way of loving. And yes, that's quite different than hers I am sure, but it's a choice you made in how you have decided to live your life.
In my opinion, the choice to be his is very much about happiness, trust, love, security, and the feeling of "rightness" that comes with being owned.

I would point out to her that you are still the same person you were before she knew about your dynamic--the only thing different is the way She sees you. So really, the dynamic of your D/s changes nothing except her personal perceptions of you and your life.

Ultimately, her objections are not going to change your relationship. So she will have to come to grips with it or decide that she cannot see beyond her own judgements about it.
If this friendship is very valuable to you, I wish you the best of luck. If not, sometimes it is simplest to just let people go.

I don't know how helpful this post was, and enlightening people (in polite and constructive ways), is not my strong point, but I did try lol. And I did send off an email, that I think addresses the specifics a bit more.

Any other thoughts from readers? 

21 comments:

  1. I really liked this response and I think it is a true friend that will be able to accept the situation for what it is. It always amazes me how judgmental people can be.

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    1. dancingbarez, I think it's easy to see ourselves as non-judgmental until something outside of our comfort zone comes along.

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  2. Lil,

    Yes, you're right -- mouse nodded all the way through. The lifestyle is about consent and that's what the focus of the response would be.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Oh and thanks for the color adjustments...think it will help (on the regular computer right now but anxious to check later).

      Hugs again,
      mouse

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    2. mouse, I found this to e a tricky question, but I gave it my best.
      Glad the adjustments helped.

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  3. It always makes me snicker when a friend gets upset about my "belonging to Him". Doesn't anyone listen to popular love songs these days? Read Valentine cards (Be mine)? Pay attention to wedding vows that millions of people make every day?

    Claiming ownership in a relationship is an APPROVED standard in society. Society would prefer the woman own the man (for some odd reason, that's OK), but I just tell them that I've always been a rebel... :)

    It would be a shame to lose a friend over such a "not-her-business" thing. I hope the questioner can work things out.

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    1. Dannah, You know, Alpha made an observation along the same lines. Funny how everything changes when we put a personal context on it without really knowing.
      Lol@ the rebel bit.

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  4. I struggle with this as well and it unfortunately means that I don't share a lot of what Master and I "are" or "do" with those outside of D/s.

    My family is the worst- they don't get it.. can't understand it and sometimes I think they look at me with 2 heads when I try to explain why I am committed to this man 3000 miles away.

    They think that I should meet a nice "ethnic group entered here" local boy and be blissfully happy the rest of my life. (YUCK!)

    I know I am in a better relationship, more loving and committed relationship than they will ever experience on their end.

    I think your response was a good one. I limit specific information about my relationship with Master. Most of my friends can just see that I am "happy" and "content" and that is good enough for me.

    ~faithful

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    1. faithful, family relationships can be so very complicated. As long as you know it's right for you, that's what matters.

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  5. I honestly wouldn't explain anything. Everyone we know who 'knows' has asked whatever questions they felt a need to, and I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable just explaining myself. There's really no need in my opinion. She has the basis of the relationship, she knows what to Google,and who to ask if she wants specific concerns answered.

    I mean, I probably would send an email, but something more along the lines of:

    Hey (friend)!

    I know our conversation about my relationship bothered you and you're worried. If you want to know anything, or are concerned about something you have heard about or read, please just ask me so we can talk about it. I was hoping I could be very open with you, since I don't have many people I am comfortable with talking to about the dynamics of our relationship.

    Thanks for understanding and being there!

    (Me)


    I just find that going out of your way to explain things to people forces them to 'deal' before they're ready, or to instantly assume you're making excuses. So I choose not to,. I will give the information, and wait them out, maybe prodding after a bit if I feel there are some issues but not assuming they want to be overwhelmed with additional information or things they may not have even considered.

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    1. girl, thank you for this comment. I think you make a very good point about people not being ready to understand.

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  6. It's unfortunate that her friend chooses to judge WHAT makes her friend happy opposed to the fact that her friend IS happy. Isn't that really the most important thing?

    I can't offer much advice as I don't usually do well with "friends". The fact that I openly put my husband first is not a popular view to take, but it is my view and I don't pretend otherwise or apologize for it.

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    1. faerie, yea, I don't do well with friends either. And no, it's not a popular view is it.

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  7. This is a tricky one i think because to the 'vanilla' person even if they are openminded it can be hard to get your head around...heck i find it hard to get my head around it sometimes lol

    I am not ashamed of my relationship nor what it entails but neither do i go out broadcasting it either, i keep it simple..and play it down to those im close to because i dont want to be questioned or judged.

    The other factor is my job which is very important to me, i work in a school and although my private life shouldnt bear no relevance to my work if it got out about the lifestyle i have it would have an impact on my i fear.

    tori x

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    1. painspleasure, this is a tricky one, no matter how you approach it. And I think that there is a big difference between shame and self-protection.

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  8. Thankyou so much for all your replies, this is a tough situation and one I will never put myself in again. I am not ashamed of my life or the choices I have made and I hate it that I feel the need to justify myself to this person. Your comments have helped me feel less alone.........so thankyou. I have been a lurker in blogger land for sometime now but Master is against me having my own blog as we live in a small town and it's reactions like this that is probably the reason He wont alow it it but I will try and comment a bit more.

    And thankyou again lil, your fantastic

    MA_kitten

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    1. MA_kitten, even if nothing helps you deal with your friend, at least you do know that you aren't alone. And, for me anyways, that's always a good thing.
      Your comments are always welcome.

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    2. Thanks lil and thanks to Alpha aswell. I have sent her off a e-mail (after Master re-worded some of it, He is alot softer than me) I don't believe the friendship can be saved (not sure I want it to) but I feel better now I have had my say.

      MA_kitten

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    3. MA_kitten, sometimes all we have is our say. I hope that it brings you some peace and closure, even if it is goodby.

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  9. I am so behind but thought I would add my 2 cents. I am at the same point as you are lil in regards to where I stand with people knowing/not. I question the NEED to explain or send any clarification. If the friend wants more information they will ask. I am a very talkative person with close friends and have learned the hard way in the past to not offer up information can often avoid un necessary confusion or disagreement. ;)

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    1. viemora, I like your two cents. And I think many things fall into the whole unnecessary information category.

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Play nice.