I am not a service oriented person. When it comes to my relationship with Alpha, I really wish I was. But I'm not. Today I did something for Him that I really didn't want to do. He didn't ask me to do it and i didn't tell Him I was going to. Now for all the gutter minds like myself, it was not sexual, it was not extremely submissive, and it wasn't in the least little bit kinky. My action of devotion--I went through all the old bills and sorted a massive amount of ancient and long overdue paperwork for His business. And it was just downright depressing. Because it's a mess and a massive pile of debt. But it needed to be done and had been put off for a year. Part of me resented it because I made it clear a long time ago that I didn't want to do the books and He accepted that. Here I was sorting through the mess that was His business. On the other hand, I really wanted to see the look on His face when He saw that it had been done, the relief in His smile when He realized that all He would have to do was take it all to the accountant. And it was worth it. Absolutely worth it. The thing is, that's not all I wanted. I wanted the approval; the feeling of Him being pleased with me. I wanted a "good girl" fix and some extra attention.
So, do the motives impact the quality of service?
In a way, I think they do. Doing something just to please and not wanting or expecting anything in return is somehow...different in its outcome. It did make Him happy. I did get the approval and the feeling that only comes when he is truly pleased with me. But I didn't exactly get my "good girl" fix and I didn't get any extra attention. And I don't feel that should be an issue. Yet it is, because I gave Him a back rub, because He brought baby girl (our niece) home and I have to stay up with her (the child never passes out at a decent hour, I swear she has the go power of a fucking energizer battery), and then I will wake up in the morning, pack them all up, and try to head out early to do the kiddo's birthday shopping before hauling my tired ass to work. And I feel a bit under appreciated.
At the same time, I sorted the mess to make Him happy, I gave Him a back rub for His pleasure, I told Him to bring baby girl home so she wouldn't have to go back to a house without heat for the night. So I shouldn't have the slightest issue with any of it. My logic is fucked tonight. I'm not even making sense to myself.
The questions stand though--do the motives impact the quality of service, and if so (being inherently a bitch and not having a service oriented bone in my body), is it really possible to change that mindset and serve just for service's sake?