Monday, February 7, 2011


Okay, so I have been inspired by another blogger again. greengirl (whatiwonder over there on the right), brought up disassociation on her blog and  in response to my comment, wondered (no pun intended hehe) about how Alpha keeps me from doing it and my experiences around it. Though I will probably diverge greatly from her context and background discussion of disassociation, I think it's actually a brilliant line of thought (hers, not mine lol). Many of us tend to do it either because we are always thinking, or past trauma, or to much going on in life, the list goes on.

For me, it was important to take a look at Why I just kind of went away in my head. Personally, it was trauma and a strong dislike of sex because of the trauma. These days, when it does happen, it's usually just because I am stressed out and think to much. But I used to be a regular, here are the keys at the front desk, I'm checking out Again person. I have more experience running away in my head than is really healthy lol. It was how I coped with the things that were done to me before Alpha and I just kind of carried it along into our relationship. It was kind of a "oh here he comes, bye I'll be leaving now. Check back in later" kind of thing.

I could have written the friggin textbook on disassociation. Alpha used to call me the ice queen. It wasn't a compliment. Going away in my head was  way to escape from the things that happened to my body. A way to be somewhere else any time I was being touched. A great tool for evading the moment. And it really made for a horrible sex life which translated into a whole shitload of marital problems.
As I said before though, these days it only really happens if I am stressed and can't quiet my mind and keep myself in the moment.

Ttwd in itself has helped tremendously. Part of it is just the outright intensity surrounding our interactions--it has a way of blowing everything else to hell. It's being in that state of mind where nothing else matters. Only that moment.
Now disassociating scares me because I'm afraid it will spread like the flue or some shit and I'll just be stuck in that place.  I don't ever go there on purpose, or even out of habit anymore. I don't use it to control my ability to process pain--I just try to sink so deeply into the experience that pain itself is something to fly on.

Alpha usually notices when I'm not all home almost as soon as I do. His reaction is always immediate and a quick response is expected--He grabs me by the throat, makes me look Him in the eye, and the statement is the same every time: "where are you at little one?" Depending on the answer, He will either pause to talk about it, or ramp up the physical action by slapping me or something equally shocking and instant. No matter what He does though, He always keeps eye contact. I think that itself is the biggest single contributor to His ability to pull me back. It makes me literally focus on nothing else.

I wouldn't say that He always Keeps me from dissociating, but He is quick to notice and respond so I spend much less time wandering around in my mind when we are together than I used to. The quicker He is at responding, the greater my ability to quell it before it really happens.

Life is about our human ability to experience. Existence is the joy of love, that amazement when your children are born, the crushing feeling of watching a loved one take their last breath--it is the vast range of emotions and experiences that make us perfectly flawed. It is the experience of being human. When we disassociate from situations, we are shorting ourselves on life and not living up to our potential as beings created with the ability to live the purity that is life, love, heartbreak, pain, discomfort, pleasure. The things that make us human. We inhibit our ability to live reality as it was meant to be (I'm not claiming that disassociating can't be a mind-saving tool during traumatic experiences, I would be the first person to say it can. Though, at some point, you do have to check back in which is never fun).

I think I wandered quite far from what greengirl was talking about, but I'm also pretty sure that the rest of us out here in blog land are sure she'll be great. Enjoy the experience.


  1. lil,
    thank you for writing this. Absolutely i will be ok - there is no comparison, obviously, to doing something challenging, but ultimately for fun, and real trauma. a big part of our journey thus far has been in the realm of my learning to be and experience and participate in sex. Interestingly, i find it easiest to stay in the moment when i am most stressed - maybe i love the escape. My mind tends to wander when there are smaller internal or external distractors. I think maybe i will be able to just take a deep breath and let it happen.

  2. I just loved this entry. Your thoughts are so genuine and penetrating - I love how honest you are with yourself. I'll definitely be coming back to read more from you in the near future. Just wanted to leave you a friendly comment.


  3. Thanks for the inspiration greengirl.

    Welcome to my crazy little corner Emilie. Glad you enjoy the blog.


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