Control

He was slapping me and commanding me to cum. Adrenaline and a mild burst of panic moved in because He was not letting up. Slapping me over and over. And a part of me wanted the word I had never used back, and another part of me knew I couldn't have said it anyways, and they both got run over by a completely mind blowing orgasm.

"I want my word back." He half snorted, half laughed "why, you never used it." Dragging my brain back to partially functional I stated (not super confidant in my position mind you), that well, I Might at some point. He didn't even bother trying not to laugh and said "you know you wouldn't have it any other way." Fucker. He's right on all fronts. But there was a sense of comfort in knowing it was there. Not having it is a bit like running towards the lighting not away from it. Hey, I never claimed to be super bright lol.

It's no news that I have a hard time admitting what I want or need. But the topic of control came up. Okay, I know I'm probably heading towards an "oh shit" moment. And like I told Alpha, I didn't want to say what I was thinking because well, if there were ensuing changes, I would only have myself to blame. Specifically, I was thinking that I wouldn't mind more control. Well, less. I guess it just depends on which side of the fence you're on. Anyways, He proceeded to grab me by the throat (for the record, I absolutely Hate being mocked, it irritates the shit out of me and quite frankly pisses me off to no end). As He slapped me He repeated over and over in His best mock up of my voice "you're to controlling, you're to controlling." Now, this comes from our days before D/s and was my very own statement years ago. Irony is bountiful around here. And yes, I'm not missing the obvious irony that my last post was about me being a control freak lol. Like I said, it's bountiful.

Call me slow if you want--I might yell. Don't say I didn't warn you--but I'm still having a difficult time adjusting to the concept of my body not really being my own. Until recently, I hadn't honestly thought about it under the stupid microscope that my mind puts everything under. I think that the new feeling of actually having to adjust (I mean come on, how long have we been at this, seriously, it's almost ridiculous), is coming from shifting a bit deeper into D/s.

And that is the end of my late night fuzzy ramble.