Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Last night He was asleep and I was not. I had showered, washed and scrubbed. Prepared for what I was sure was coming. But He was asleep! Now, anal is one of those things that's always better as a fantasy. Whenever you put it into practice it's painful even if rather enjoyable. But when you think it's coming and your ready for it, then "someone" is asleep, it's a bit of a letdown. It could have gone two ways--I roll over and pass out too, or I wake Him up in His favorite manner for something He wanted before going to sleep. I chose option A. Which of course, led to some personal introspection as I drifted off to dream land for all of two hours before the kiddo woke up.
I never actively wake Alpha up. Ever. And by actively, I mean I never just start sucking Him off (It's a sure way to wake Him up which He loves, so it's not like He would be inconvenienced in any way lol). So why? In situations like last night, part of it is because I'm well aware that the fantasy is going to be more pleasant than the act itself. But really, it's because I would not only have to admit I want anal, I would have to incite the activity myself. I mean, I might as well write it on my forehead in permanent marker "wants to be fucked in the ass!" Hmm, the wise side of me is saying that backspacing is a valuable tool and I should probably use it before the marker comes out again...Eh well, I'm not feeling wise lol. The truth is, I have a problem going after what I want (even when it's perfectly compatible with His desires) because there's no absolving myself of responsibility for the ensuing activity.
Introspection and admission are terribly overrated.


  1. One time and one time only... years and years ago... wayyyy before D/s or even M/s I tried to wake up then husband and now Master in that fantasy manner.

    The reaction was less than welcoming. The sharp blow to the head, the abrupt kick and shove out of the bed and the subsequent sleepy rage filled roars of outrage at being woken so rudely engraved a permanent aversion to the very idea deep into my wounded psyche.

    Years later, he mentioned that I never "wake him up with a blow job" and I froze and gave him horrified look. And he shrugged and said, "Well I didn't say 'never' do that." Yeah... riggghhtttt....

    Regarding admitting that one fantasizes about anal... that one actually wants it... no matter how many times it falls short of the fantasy, I just can't get the idea out of my head. I wonder how many of us you would see out in the world with the crude words scrawled across our faces.

  2. Ooh, well I wouldn't try it again either.

    Lmao, all of a sudden I have this image of women wandering through the grocery store with that written on their foreheads.

  3. I also have a problem with admitting what I want, and expressing my desires. Some of it is due to not knowing fully, and some I think is just due to shame. The idea of being forced to admit it, etc, is appealing to me.

  4. It's always nice to hear I'm not the only one who has a hard time with some stuff.
    Being forced to admit it...Alpha does it to me at the most inopportune times lol. I think that a large part of the appeal (besides that it's a little bit humiliating because of the shame factor), is because at that point, your mind is more naked (can't think of a better expression) because you have dumped something out there that you didn't want to admit to in the first place.

  5. I am a member of the not liking to ask for what i want/need. i came to submission late in life, independent and in charge. I love that i have found the inner "me"....but asking for certain things....soooo hard! (glad that i found your blog..love it!)

  6. Glad you enjoy the blog abby.

  7. Hi lil

    I too have a hard time admitting when I want or need something. For me it applies to many areas in life, not just in a sexual way or in D/s.

    In D/s I will admit it when I'm forced to, but I have never initiated anything, even if I know it's something that's generally pleasing.

    I have no problem suggesting or initiating things, as long as there's no chance that the response could be a personal rejection of me. For instance, I can easily ask if he wants to watch a movie with me, but there's no way on earth I can make myself ask for a spanking or sex. It frustrates me to no end, lol.

    I love your blog! :-)

  8. Welcome to my crazy ramblings chi. Glad you enjoy the blog.


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