Admitting

Last night He was asleep and I was not. I had showered, washed and scrubbed. Prepared for what I was sure was coming. But He was asleep! Now, anal is one of those things that's always better as a fantasy. Whenever you put it into practice it's painful even if rather enjoyable. But when you think it's coming and your ready for it, then "someone" is asleep, it's a bit of a letdown. It could have gone two ways--I roll over and pass out too, or I wake Him up in His favorite manner for something He wanted before going to sleep. I chose option A. Which of course, led to some personal introspection as I drifted off to dream land for all of two hours before the kiddo woke up.
I never actively wake Alpha up. Ever. And by actively, I mean I never just start sucking Him off (It's a sure way to wake Him up which He loves, so it's not like He would be inconvenienced in any way lol). So why? In situations like last night, part of it is because I'm well aware that the fantasy is going to be more pleasant than the act itself. But really, it's because I would not only have to admit I want anal, I would have to incite the activity myself. I mean, I might as well write it on my forehead in permanent marker "wants to be fucked in the ass!" Hmm, the wise side of me is saying that backspacing is a valuable tool and I should probably use it before the marker comes out again...Eh well, I'm not feeling wise lol. The truth is, I have a problem going after what I want (even when it's perfectly compatible with His desires) because there's no absolving myself of responsibility for the ensuing activity.
Introspection and admission are terribly overrated.