Friday, February 18, 2011

Rant of fuckedupness. You have been warned

I might have had something humorous to say today. Something about how my car broke down and life's a bit of a quirky bitch. I might have had something loving to say about how I had to spend three days at my moms so I could go to work and I missed Alpha. But I don't. It's all rant and moan today. I try to keep my blog a fairly whine free zone (I did say "fairly" and there was a notable absence of claiming it to be a bitch free zone tyvm). Today there will be bitching, and whining. Lots of whining. And the desire to throw things.

Alpha told me last night that His sister is moving back out of state and the other sister is going with her. It shot my night to shit. I spent my dream time yelling at her. See, she's already been in that place, there was no work, her life was run by her mother in law, she missed her family and was terribly unhappy. Turns out, she didn't miss her family, she missed her sister. I have always told them that they live their lives as they decide and, while I may disagree, their decisions are their own and I hope they make good ones that bring them joy and take them to good places. This time, this time I'm feeling selfish and lonely. That my family as I knew it is never going to be even halfway whole again. My kids will grow up like I did--with no surrounding family besides a grandmother with one foot over the edge (well, I guess they have one up on me there lol, I had no batty grandma an hour away). I won't get to see my nieces grow up. Birthdays will consist of a few children, unrelated and unattached, illness will be experienced without family support, and my fears of it will go on blog posts to be deleted before Alpha wakes. Purely selfish? Yes, undoubtedly. I wanted the family I never had, and I guess I should count my blessings for the short time I did have it. But I'm not, I'm bitching about the selfish stupidity of the young, the girls my mom probably won't live to see again, the fact that Alpha is my life and I'm worried about Him. Lol, I would have been happier to learn they were splitting to Canada or something. Anywhere but where they were before. And I wonder if they have put any thought into the rest of their family, I wonder where they would have grown up had Alpha or I been as selfish as they at twenty-two. I never asked for anything back, that's not how it works. All I asked is that they have good lives and try to make the right decisions. Just because I disagree with a choice doesn't make it the wrong one, especially when I have selfish motivations. But they have been there before, and there was no work, there was no quality of life, there was no respite from the mother in law constantly telling her how to raise her child, there was just calling me four times a day to say how miserable she was.

See, this is where a general hatred for the female species bites me in the ass (no offense to my readers because a lot of you seem pretty damn cool, but out here in my world, I haven't run into any women really worth calling "friends"). It's lonely. In the end, Alpha is all I need. Sure, I need my boys to be okay, to be healthy and hopefully even happy. But one day all to soon, they will have lives of their own and I'll be bribing them with their favorite food just to come see me. The problem with having one person as the revolving crux of your world is having no one to go to when that person is the focus of your deepest worries and fears.

On an unrelated and still completely bitching note (hey, I've moved passed the whining, give me my bitchness. Some days it's all I have going for me lol). My boss is acquiring an air horn. To summon His attendants (yours truly and a poor older gentleman who's likely to have a heart attack at the event of a sudden loud noise), to His room when He doesn't have the desire to haul his ass off the bed. Since I have to buy it for him, I'm thinking I will get the twenty dollar model that's the size of my head. His reaction should be interesting the first time he blows it in his pumice walled bedroom. With the door closed. A man who's afraid of loud sounds. It could be a little bit entertaining right?

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