Still Alive

Okay, so maybe it wasn't so terribly soon...But ya know...

The move was a bitch. How could driving 22 straight hours with two dogs, two cats, and two kids be anything else?
My car didn't like it. As in desperate need of repair didn't like it. But that's okay...Nice thing about a regular paycheck is being able to afford to fix your transportation to work. Lol.

Just thought I'd drop by and say that I'm still alive, and thank you all for the comments on my last post. It's nice to know that this little corner with all of its awesome people is still here. No matter where I am.

Now I'm off on the desperate search for somebody to fix my neck so that I can ditch this constant headache. The whole eeny meeny miny moe the yellow pages thing sounds so dangerous when looking for people to crack your neck...

Be Back Soon. I Hope...

We Could Be Nothing Else...

There hasn't really been any kink around here for some time. There also hasn't been a whole lot of submission, if I'm gonna be honest...Because life, not taking my medicine, grandma, life, kids, and more friggin ridiculously stressful beautiful life.

Having spent the day on the couch attempting, somewhat unsuccessfully, to recuperate from being assaulted by books and bed frames yesterday, I had some time to think (mind you, it's a terrible time to "Take a day to think". There simply isn't time for it. I wanted to. That's my story and I'm sticking to it).
But I have once again tripped my way into the pitfalls of digression...

The way we are is not something that I have ever seen reflected in the vanilla couples we have known. Not just the way we have been since consciously shifting our dynamic to one of dominance and submission, but the way that we have always been.

He takes those big steps out, he makes things happen and forges the trail for me to follow.

I have never rented a post office box, opened a bank account, lived alone, registered a car, set up voice mail, or done a myriad of things that most humans consider part of experiencing daily life.

While I am very much a "Do whatever needs to be done" kind of person, the ultimate responsibility for the movement of our lives falls to him (mind you, there are many thing such as scheduling and anything whatsoever to do with doctor which do not fall under this heading).
He has always been the final line of responsibility for our family.

Anyways...

Sometimes I resent the things he expects of me, especially when he's not showing what I think of as "active" dominance (gods know, I do need that). But I think there are many things he does, the way we have always been and lived, and for him those are very much what being a dominant is about.

Looking beyond the kink, beyond  the things we often think of as being D/s, beyond the conscious choices of power exchange, it is still clear that we could be nothing else. Because it is there in the very fabric of how and who we are.

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza

It's that time of year again! Time for the annual online cookie exchange extravaganza, hosted by the lovely Jz.

The cookie exchange extravaganza will be on December 10th this year!

How it works:

Before Tuesday, December 9th, (this is important, she compiles a list of all the participants so that we can all post the links on our blogs, late submissions create more work for her, and may result in your blog not being on the list. We don't want to miss any goodies!) send Jz your name, and the link to your blog.
Jz will use that information to compile a list of blog links that we can put in our recipe posts (you will receive the list via email). That way, everyone will be able to hop around and find all of the awesome recipes.
On December 10th, you post your goody recipe, (anything sweet, not just cookies) with the list of links from Jz, and we all get to spend the day increasing our stash of treat recipes!

If you have any questions, feel free to leave me a comment, and I'll do my best to answer!

Edited to add: Good recipes of all kinds are welcomed, not just sweets! Thank the gods, because after this one I'll have used up my best desserts...

A Turkey of A Day

My mom refuses to cook turkey. So, while we are having dinner at her house tonight, I still have to cook the turkey and take it in.

My alarm went off at 6:00 so the turkey could go in by 7:00, but thing began going wrong before I had even tasted my coffee.

Better back up for a minute...You see, I have this awesome oven--you could totally fit two turkeys into it at the same time. Except it's not actually awesome because the door doesn't open up all of the way. In fact, it doesn't even open halfway, which is normally doable and just results in a constant burn on my arm that I have become immune to, but I'm getting off track.
At approximately 6:05, after turning on the oven, I realized that the rack would need to be lowered. Okay, no big right? I'll just take off the door. The problem is, the door then needed to go back on. After much whispered cursing, which my husband later informed me was more at a Chef Ramsey level of kitchen dispute, and some very quiet soft suggestions from our youngest that perhaps we should wake dad up and ask him to help, I got the door back on. Yay! All good, right?

Except for one minor detail--the turkey still had to go in, and the whole process becomes way more complicated when that door is 400 degrees.

I lifted my coffee cup to my lips, and just before that first glorious taste...."Mom! I stepped in cat poop!" Of course you did honey...

Then up popped my darling husband and Master, to inform me that I was not indeed behaving in nearly as stealthy of a manner as I had thought, and yes, I had probably better put the turkey in then let the oven come up to temperature.

Washed the child off, pulled the over door off again, shoved the turkey in the oven, replaced the door, got a drink off coffee before it miraculously vanished, and we're rolling surprisingly close to schedule.

Getting it out should be fun...

Did I mention that I had to go to the grocery store last night because someone who shall rename unnamed (ahem) requested pumpkin pie after I did my shopping reasonably early? Then I forgot to add the milk. Because new recipe. Because cookbooks packed.

Yep, it's turkey day alright.

I hope that you all have an awesome day, regardless of whether or not it's a turkey day where you live!

And the Cat Was Dancing in the Kitchen...

I've been awake since 2:30 AM. In my defense, I waited until 4 to get up and make coffee. I was tired, really. But I woke up to go pee (in the toilet even, tyvm) and...

Plus, the cat was dancing in the kitchen, and I have 99 legitimate things to worry about on top of a million illegitimate issues, so naturally there was no going back to sleep.
I'm sure there's something useful I should be doing, because there are never enough hours in the day, but maybe there is sometimes if you get up in the middle of the night...

I did find this:

 Not exactly productive, but still kind of funny.

I should say that I'm not a mess. And if I did say it, I should totally mean it, but I wouldn't really mean it, so I would totally be lying.

I worry about leaving my mom.
I worry about sending my kids to a school with a thousand students (this one's kicking my ass).
I worry about next month, what I forgot to do yesterday, what might happen tomorrow.
If it can or cannot be named, I worry about it.

 

Yep, that's me. If I was guy. And the hose wasn't frozen. Because winter.

Oh yea, found another good shot of my life (why do the boys get all the good pictures?)

Ooh, shots...If I pretend that I didn't go to bed, is it still too early to start drinking? I mean, after all, it is dark...

Meh

And that, my friends, is all I have to say today.

Okay, well maybe just one more...

And just so winter doesn't think she's off the hook...

Changing My Motto

I have lived in one place for far too long--it is becoming painfully apparent that my life's packing experience consists of throwing all my shit into the back of a truck in the midst of a knockdown dragout fight with some parental figure.

I'm changing my life motto...

Thank You

Normally, I spend Love Our Lurkers day roaming Blogland and saying hello everywhere. I didn't do any of my usual roaming this time, and there was even two days of opportunity! I'm sure I have valid excuses, really, I do! Yea...

I seem to lurk more often than not these days, and if you have a Wordpress blog, I'm always lurking--long story short, Wordpress hates me and will not allow me to open my big mouth at all. Ever.

Rambling on, I know. Getting to the point, I appreciate Blogland. I appreciate all of the blogs I read, and all the people who visit me here. Even when I spend my visitation time silently.

So thank you Bloggers--you have inspired me, made me laugh and cry, inspired introspection and thoughts that I normally wouldn't have had. You have made me feel...Not alone. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

And to my readers? You amaze me. Sometimes I think you're all crazy for sticking with me, but I'm not complaining. You have made this blog something it might not have been, you have given me a platform on which I am heard. I give you my secrets, my random insanities, my deeply held beliefs, my soapbox rants, and you listen (figuratively).

So, thank you Blogland.

I wish I could say that I'll be contaminating your dashboards with daily posts, and returning to the more regular posting schedule that I used to keep...But life is insanity. We're taking a huge leap of faith with our lives, and such things do seem to require an inordinate amount of time and effort. But I'll continue to muse and complain with some regularity, I'm sure. So for now, it's pretty much life as usual...

Lurker Love

It has come to my attention that it is once again Love Our Lurkers Day. A day dedicated to sweet talking silent visitors into speaking up and saying hello.

Oh, the lurker--someone who reads silently and goes on about their way, with only the trace of a hit on our stats that they have been there at all. I'll let you in on a little not-so-secret secret--you are the majority of my readership.

I am grateful and still surprised that so many of you come here. Being the curious creature that I am, I wonder what brings you here, who you are, what you have to say...

I am constantly amazed by how many of you silently grace the pages of this blog. Given that I really never thought anyone at all would read here, it's quite an honor to know that you do, even if you are quiet.

Here I share my mind, my thoughts, the random insanities that pop into my head. And, much to my surprised delight, you read them!
Would you be so kind as to leave me a word? Perhaps why you're here, a bit about yourself, or even just hello...I won't bite. Promise--its actually a rule.
If you've ever wanted to say anything to me, or leave a hello on this blog, today would be the perfect day to do so! I tell you my secrets, won't you give me a word?

And just to get everybody going this morning...

So Much to Say...

I have so much to say that words escape me.
My world is changing drastically, and I'm still in that place where it all feels like a dream. I keep waiting to wake up...
I have so much to say that the words they are choking me.
Leading to silence
falling behind miles of unknown road.

And I realized that I'm a junky, as such untrustworthy--anything to get my fix. I'll turn it off over and over again because I don't trust myself when it's on. I become a slave to my fix, the fix that only dominance can give.

The world is upside down and inside out, as the future stretches out before me, unknown and unseen. I almost took a little peek you see, but I didn't...There's nothing to be said for knowing exactly what's ahead.

I have so much to say that I am drowning in my own words.
Words unused on the path less traveled, as everything that was comes unraveled so that we may use the threads to make something new...

You are to Me

You are to me

like dust in the air

the creaky boards in the floor of an old childhood farmhouse

sunlight drifting through the cracks of aged wood.

You are to me, like memories of what was and is to be

a forest of trees long since forgotten

living on in my bones

like a whisper calling my soul home.

You are to me
eyes all seeing
a whispered dream
the promise of a moment vanished in the mist
and solid as a stone to call my own.

I remember you

like the music in my soul

ages long since forgotten

like sunlight drifting through the leaves

the gentle whisper of wind amongst the trees.

You are to me

time immeasurable
and you remind me
that

I cannot practice what I am

as I have become what I will be.

How Does He Take Care of Me?

I got a comment from Blondie, which I have taken the liberty of c/p to respond to in a post. There was also a related comment about addressing the issue of responsibilities in D/s relationships, but I'm going to address that one separately.

"I was always under the impression that the Dominant is supposed to care for his submissive, to know how to take care of her, how to make her feel safe and loved. And in return, the sub gives him herself, all of herself. She trusts him. But for some reason, with the pain and loneliness that you feel at times, I don't see that he is taking good care of you. Am I wrong about what I thought? Am I wrong about how I feel when I read your beautiful posts? You don't have to answer me if you choose not to. I will still be reading your very poetic and wonderful posts."

I think that things start getting very murky when we begin talking about what a Dominant is "Supposed to do". Sure, we all have ideas, but this is about his ideas of what he's supposed to do--I agreed to that a long time ago. Do I always like his ideas? Nope.

He's human, and he doesn't always excel at Dominance. Sometimes, he makes me want to beat my head against a wall. However, I'm no shining star of slavery.
Honestly, his hobby sucks. Seriously. I feel like it wreaks havoc on me--its his way of checking out, and I hate that with a fucking passion. Sometimes I feel neglected, and I don't like that in the least little bit.
Can I deal? Sure.

I don't think that he always takes good care of me, and I know that I don't always give him all of myself. Is that not, however, somewhat the nature of human relationships?

As much as I struggle with the extremes of my emotions, I am...An emotion junky. Pain, rage, joy, sadness, love, experience--they feed me. One of my greatest fears has always been complacency, numbness, distance from feeling. Ironic, given that I feel everything so ridiculously deeply.
Pain tells me I'm alive. Anger reminds me that blood still beats in my veins. Hurt...Hurt keeps me from hurting him. Control keeps me safe and chases my demons away.

He takes care of me by feeding my need. And sometimes that feeding is...Unpleasant. Sometimes he doesn't, and I don't like it. But that's part of being the one who isn't in charge.

And he's there for me. I know that no matter what happens in my life, when the chips are down, when the sky falls, and my world disintegrates into dust beneath my feet, he will be there like the rock that just won't give up. No matter what.

No matter what I am or what I become he will not abandon me--he might beat me and force me to change, but he won't give up on me.
No matter what I tell him or what I am capable of, he will still claim me, still keep me, still love me.

He knows the deepest, angriest, darkest, most twisted parts of me. He knows all that I am and what I have become. And he still wants me. He still keeps me. He still loves me. He accepts me for who and what I am. Always.

There will never be anyone else for me. Never. No other human being will ever step as far inside as he has. Ever. So we deal, and neither one of us is always ideal

There's a whole hell of a lot of something to be said for all that.

Taking care of someone is a subjective experience. Sure, I hate the fucking hobby with all my heart. But it's a hobby, not a deal breaker. In fact, there aren't any deal breakers from my end--that's part of the arrangement.

Love is beautiful and gracious. It is also messy and ugly. Love is peace and war played out on the ultimate battleground of the heart, and it's not always an enjoyable experience.

Like A Quiet Storm

He rolled in at 3 AM like a quiet storm. Sweeping the blanket off my naked shoulders, he reminded me in no uncertain terms of what we are.

I drank him in, resting at his feet as we discussed the future in all of its magnificent uncertainty.
The moon hung huge in the sky as we discussed humanity and the politics of man. A thousand miles to prove that might is not right, and anything worth doing is worth fighting for. And so he takes advantage of the knowledge that I live for a noble cause, I love to fight for the underdog, and we are the sum of what we believe to be true.
His hand stroked my head as he said, we know not what the future will bring, but baby I found something new for me and you. If I go, you will come with me and fight for what you believe to be true.

As the stars faded into the coming day, with a thousand miles behind him, he touched me like a quiet storm.
Slivers of light slipped quietly through the cracks in the sky as he played my body like an instrument of glorious sin.
My transgressions poured forth, confessions in the dark begging for absolution as he reminded me that I belong to him.

Image source unkown

Tracking Time

I have kept myself busy this week:

I took a razor blade to the bottom of my pans
I cleaned the desk *shudder--it's like checking the mail ten times in one day
I did the ever magically replicating laundry
I dusted my books and shined up chess trophies
I took down pictures and cleaned the backs and frames
I cleaned the keyboard--with a Q-tip
I pulled specials off of their shelves and dusted them down
I folded all of the laundry.

I realized that I keep time by his calls. My day is counted away by the space between rings, the moments of silence broken by his words...

And so I wait for my fix. Hours meaningless and defined by the feeling in my veins, the beat of my heart, the race for the phone. The sound of his voice from a thousand miles away...

So I drown in the tragic majesty of life, the beautiful uncertainty of being. As I track time by the space between his calls...

Religion, Absolution, and the Name of God

I make a conscious effort to stay away from two very touchy subjects on my blog--Religion and politics. Because yea, nobody likes to be yelled at. But ya know...Eventually, I was bound to say fuck it...I will no doubt get off track here, and possibly piss a few people off, but hey...A girl's gotta ramble when the inspiration strikes.

It was recently suggested to me, that F/m D/s and D/s without God are doomed to failure as these paths exist outside of God's plan and displease him greatly.
So maybe I lost my cool a bit at my fairly polite, very judgmental commenter. Human history is fraught with wars over belief, and so often God and his religions are touted as a reasonable excuse to persecute people with different belief systems. Many atrocities are, and have been, justified by holding forefront the edicts of religion.

In all fairness, I am biased on this subject--Alpha and I both see religion as a basis for power exchange between a man and a woman to be based on an outdated belief system wherein women are inferior to men. Now, that is just how we feel about it. Do we really care who follows that particular path and who doesn't? Not in the least little bit. What goes on in your bedroom is none of our business, your house is your own, and how you choose to live is ultimately of no consequence to either of us.
I believe that religious justification for our choices is a way of absolving ourselves of personal responsibility for our own actions.

The concept that church offers absolution if one conforms to the beliefs reached within its walls is...Disagreeable to me. I truly do believe that some people are beyond absolution. I also believe that how and who we choose to love is none of religion's business and should not require the absolution which is so publicly withheld from those who love differently than the norm.
Religion is man's way of attempting to interpret and speak for God, to define and follow the undefinable. And we are truly fallible creatures, prone to the interpretations we want to believe.

To me, God is a construct of the human mind. A construct we use to put a name we can identify with to a power greater than ourselves. We choose to follow the Gods we can feel close to. The name given to what we believe in is important only to ourselves.

In contemplation, I admit that I have spent a great deal of my life in prayer to something more, something greater than myself. I truly do believe in an entity beyond and of us all, and what you name that power is of little consequence to me.
I have spent more time on my knees begging for absolution than you average human being, but never thought to beg it of any God, only of one man.

The purity of God and man is held high with the power of offered absolution should we conform.
Interestingly enough, I have found purity in the darkest of places.
There is purity in the darkness, absolution in the rain, enlightenment to be found in pain, there is heaven at his feet, and there is beauty in things which God's church has often declared abhorrent.

I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi, kinky, F/m or like fucking in purple pansies at the end of the rainbow. I don't care if you worship in a church or in the dirt, or if your god is a man, woman, or something far removed from both. Your beliefs do not make you better, nor worse than me.

Gay love is no different than my love. And perhaps, just maybe, God is love so merely by loving something, someone, anything, truly and deeply....Maybe that is how we touch that which is beyond the constructs we create.

I see more absolution in one lustful gay kiss, one "good girl", in one cruel stroke of a whip, in one choice to be a good person, than my heart finds in all the halls of God. And there is more God on earth than could ever be contained in one religion.

Why?

I used to ask myself why. Why I was the way I am, as is one of the dark and unpleasant experiences of my past could explain this element of my present, this need to be Dominated, these dark fantasies, this deep seated need to be owned, which I so struggle against at times.

I don't ask that why anymore.

Now I ask why it is that I am incapable of having a romantic relationship with another human being without some element of D/s. There is only one person which I ever intend to be so involved with, and ultimately, it doesn't matter why I'm wired this way. An answer is not going to change who I am, nor would I necessarily want it to do so.

Yet still...I ask why.

Because I don't excel at it, this whole slave thing. I don't embrace it with open arms, reveling in the unique glory that comes only with that feeling of being owned.
I've never stuck with something I wasn't good at, and I am particularly fond of excelling at the things I choose to do. But when my biology, my heart, my soul, the very fabric of my being, whatever it is in me that makes me what  am; drives me to something which I, at times, feel I will never excel at, I question...Why.

Why I can feel no security without ownership.
Why I am incapable of truly enjoying sex without Dominance and submission.
Why I cannot happily tolerate another human being in my day-to-day life if they aren't in charge,
Why I so often superficially feel as if I want to be in control, when the reality is that his control is what makes me feel stability in my life.
Why I still fight so hard against the reins which make my life what it was made to be.
Why M/s is what I need to make me...Feel.
Why I'm Wonderland's version of the velveteen rabbit, needing M/s to make me real.
Why this is the only okay thing which truly touches me to the core of my being.
Why, why the fuck I crave that feeling which no words can name, the feeling which comes only with...
Why the need for that feeling eats at my soul, as if it's the only thing that could truly make me whole.
Why I cannot love the roses without the thorns.

Ultimately, why does not really matter, yet still I must ask, my obsession a compulsion...

On nights like these, when he's a thousand miles away, I sit and ponder the empty space on the couch, the things which go bump in the night, the cold spot in the bed, the void in my being. In moments like these, I know why it still scares me, this creature that I am, loving the man that he is...Because what he is defines who I am, I don't know how to be anybody else, and this life we live...She is a fickle mistress, prone to bouts of unreasonable tragedy and love stories gone wrong. Life writes tales which will make your soul ache, stories of love and love lost...Beauty highlighted by bitter torment.

I am what I am. I accept that. He allows me to experience that being. What I seem to have difficulty accepting, is that I am is so intrinsically dependent on him. Because by nature, he will not go my way because I want him to--he will do so if it happens to coincide with his desires. That nature is what makes us compatible. Yet...I struggle with accepting this reality, the reality I must live to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be me. Even now, after all these years...

I am afraid that one day life will take him away from me, that one day he will no longer feast his beast on my needs, that I'll end up living just one veil away from that which feeds the need within me.

"There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, even to yourself, words are useless."

~Sara Zarr

Just Like That...

Just like that...He looks at me, with that particular glint in his eyes...And I know. I'm all in. All his. Doubt disappears, and I know that it matters not where I stand, because wherever I am will be of his design.

Just. Like. That...

It's almost annoying, really.

On an unrelated note, I seem to be finding my life seriously lacking in good Dominant blogs. Any recommendations?

It Was Never About My Ideas...

My general state of angst, combined with my computer's tendency to only connect to the internet when it damn well feels like it, hasn't exactly been conducive to writing. That, and there's no kink in my life. None. I mean, I doubt that we are even capable of having truly vanilla sex anymore, but...

A short time ago (I think, time is blending these days) I admitted that I believe I'm incapable of having a real romantic relationship without D/s. The levels of D/s around haven't miraculously increased since then. Oh, they are there, just...Yea, they are the way he wants them. That in itself is D/s, right?

More often than not, I feel that he prefers a service oriented relationship. I'm bad at service. It's not hot, it's not appealing, it's not a turn-on. Maybe I'm just relationship lazy, but honestly, he's been relationship lazy for a while now. Poor excuse, I know...

I suck at service. I really do.

So herein lies the issue--I've been wandering around moaning about the lack of kink, the lack of active D/s, but it's there. Oh yes, in all the glory of those things which after two kids and 16 years, I find very little joy in.
If you love showing submission by always being the only one to do laundry, make dinner, hand out late night back rubs, and honor those midnight night tea requests, etc. no matter how crappy you feel, more power to you. Wish I could climb on your train. I really do.

The thing I realized is, ttwd has never been about my ideas. Sure, I'm not thrilled with our current expression/experience of it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not D/s. That's kind of a hard pill to swallow. Because when I step back and look at my feelings, while I still find them to be legitimate, I realize that it is rather contrary to my core beliefs about D/s to be wandering around saying, "This is not my idea of D/s, this is not what I want it to be." Because it was never about my ideas. Intrinsically, D/s is not about what I want it to be. So even this, this service as D/s thing...It is still Dominance and submission. It's about his ideas, not mine. And I can live with that because I know that the dust will settle soon in one way or another.

I do wonder though...When the dust settles, will he pick a direction? Or will we continue to float on this wave where once he wanted everything and now he seems to want only what I can do for him without the work of doing too...I feel like he trained me to focus my life on him, then one day he woke up with a different focus, he wanted different things from me, he developed different interests which leave little room for interest in me, I became work so he found somewhere else to play.
There is no necessity for him to hold my interest anymore. He knows that. I'll be here regardless, no matter what. That's a whole lot of interest in one paragraph...Pricy bitch, no?

No matter how much D/s is intrinsic to who you are, making it work takes work. Relationships take work...

I've been staring at the stupid blinking cursor for ten minutes now, and its just there...Reminding me by its very insistence just how very directionless I feel.

Soon, the dust will settle. And we'll still be standing. Somewhere, somehow...Or maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't be standing at all.
More and more though, I can't escape the feeling that he wants someone standing next to him leading the charge, but still compliant, still acquiescent to his whims and desires...And that, my darling readers, is something which I have not yet come to terms with.

A Question of Public Behavior

A while back, I asked for some reader inspiration. Then life got messy again, and I still don't have much opportunity to visit Blogland because my computer is stupid...So I still have a question which had been waiting for a ridiculous amount of time...

This one comes from the, thankfully, patient Downunder Don:

"Hi Lil,

(This question was prompted from an observation last night when my wife and I attended a large public gathering. We both saw a couple where she was wearing a black choker with a small, discrete, but when viewed closely, obvious BDSM symbol attached. Reinforced by Erica Scott’s blog entry today)

What is your public persona as opposed to a private, submissive one. Do you publicly act subserviently to Alpha as opposed to most of us who hide our kink under a bushel."

Sorry for taking forever to get to this!

Hmm...Quite a bit of it depends on where we are and the company we are in. Often, I behave the same in public as at home. Of course, since our children are always home, and are usually with us when we go anywhere, that means I tend to keep it fairly well hidden at home.

I guess I see much of our interactions as normal, so he still gets the final say in public and we are pretty much the same with each other, regardless of where we are. Though, I would imagine that will change rather drastically when the kids aren't with us all of the time.

There are many things that I don't think about in the ways we interact with each other that are perhaps not so "Normal" but they aren't obviously D/s, so people just chalk it up to the way we are and don't pay too much attention. Deferring is one of those things that can be quite subtle.

Overall, my public persona tends to be fairly Dominant, a misconception that he loves perpetrating. In fact, he seems to find it quite amusing to make people think that I'm generally in charge. It's a bit annoying, really...

The Way We Treat Each Other

My life's just one huge upheaval, so I figured that I'd take a moment to complain about other people instead. Sounds fair, right?

We have these friends...Okay, well, her and I are not exactly friends, but I think my reasoning for that will become apparent if you stick with me while I rant.

He's a great person. Loyal, easygoing, awesome father, etc. He made it possible for her to spend years in school for the career she wanted, followed her across the friggin ocean as she chased whims because what she has is never good enough, and based his whole life around what she wanted.

She treats him like shit. She's cool enough to hang out with until she starts talking about him, then...Wow. She talks about him as if he's a lower life form. She talks to him like he's a total idiot who should never have thoughts of his own.

How do you love that? How do you live when only one person's dreams matter? I mean, I know that I chose a relationship where his wants and desires come first, but I am still allowed my dreams. He may piss all over me and treat me like nothing more than the whore at his feet, but at the end of the day, he values me. He values who I am, how I think, my hopes and dreams...

And really, if you're going to talk shit about the person you're with, isn't it best to keep it between the two of you?

I mean, if he tells someone that I don't like tomatoes, I don't see a need to throw a fit and rip him a new one in the middle of that someone's kitchen, about daring to say that because I actually do like tomatoes. It would be simple enough just to say, actually, I would like a piece of tomato this time...

Got sidetracked by examples there...

It seems to be a common issue for me when it comes to forming friendships with other couples--I just have no interest in sitting down and having a complaint fest about the man I married. Wives bitch about their husbands, husbands hide things from their wives, respect seems to go the way of the dinosaurs...Why people choose to stay together when they don't even seem to like each other, is beyond me.

What's wrong with respecting the person you're with? Since when did couples who offer each other common courtesy and respect (which one would think would be a pretty basic relationship requirement) make for being socially unacceptable??

The way we treat each other matters. Why does that seem like such a foreign concept to so many people?

Behind...

I'm behind. In everything.

Replying to comments.
Laundry.
Grading.
Being a halfway decent slave.
Cleaning.
Life.

You name it--I'm behind.

Yep, I am currently excelling in all areas.

And I've had a tad too much wine. To accompany my whine, you know.

Yea...

Living in limbo is a bitch. We both know that we have gone off course in recent months, but damn, it's hard to commit to anything while living in limbo. Even those parts of ourselves that we know to hold true, regardless of circumstances.

I don't know what I should and should not write here anymore, and that has contributed to some blogging difficulties lately. I never previously questioned what I could write, and it has thrown me off a bit. Though, I suppose that I'll know right about the time that limbo ends...

Luckily for all concerned, I do have a question waiting in my inbox, and I'll try to get to it soon--it should help me to avoid excess whining.
This whole not having my own computer thing kind of sucks. And quitting smoking again. That sucks monkey butts.

I hope that I don't look at this post in the morning and realize that I shouldn't be allowed to touch the computer after being left with a bottle of wine...

A Question of Bringing out the nature of a Submissive

I can't seem to respond to comments, or comment on other people's posts on this computer...So I'll try to catch up soon.

Thankfully, the Anons of Blogland are keeping me stocked up on blogging fodder. Otherwise...Well, there probably just isn't enough coffee in the world to make it interesting around here. Though, we do seem to love a good train wreck...

Anyways...

Anonymous asked:

"I'll keep this one short and simple. How do I get a girl who is submissive in nature to consider or maybe realize she wants a D/s relationship?"

Should I assume that my last response was unsatisfactory?
The exceptionally short answer, would be slowly--give her tastes, not full bites.

Imho, the bedroom is a good place to start. If she's willing to give up control in the bedroom, she might be willing to expand outwards. Also, I think it's easier to accept and come to terms with the concept of bedroom submission--it's not as overwhelming and serious as taking D/s into other aspects of one's life. I started out as a clearly stated "Bedroom only" sub, then he made me ask to expand out of the bedroom because he's mean like that. And I couldn't just keep it in the bedroom. I wanted and needed more.

Earn her trust. Inspire submission regardless of whether of not she recognizes it as submission. Submitting requires a certain level of trust, so earning that trust first is a valuable first step that is worth taking the time to make.

I hate to admit it, but we are fickle creatures (a fact that Alpha is always happy to rub my nose in). I think that, as a sub, admitting that you want D/s is hard. It's much easier to get a taste and respond favorably than it is to sit down and outright admit that you want it while contemplating eating the entire cake.
Once you have had a taste (if you like it) it becomes much easier to become comfortable with the whole concept.

Submission abhors a vacuum, and tends to respond favorably to Dominance. If she has a positive response to Dominant behavior, then why not just sit down and talk about it? If you have already earned her trust and established for yourself that submission is part of her nature, talking about it is the next logical step, and is absolutely necessary if you want her to come to some sense of realization--there's no moving forwards without communication.
When you do talk about it, I would think that the "take it slow" rule applies here too. Don't start off with the deep end of what you want or see your D/s becoming--keep to the more shallow end of the pool.

Now is when I make a shameless plea to readers for their input, so...?

A Question of Making D/s Work, and How We Began

I was beginning to think that my Q&A page was just taking up space, and maybe I should scrap it. Then someone decided to use it for the first time in ages. So yay--much needed blogging fodder.

Anonymous asks:

"Hey! I really love your blog. Around a year ago or so I fell in love with the idea of a D/s relationship, me being the Dom. Me and my girlfriend tried it and it didn't go so well. Me and her recently broke up. At first she liked the idea of a D/s relationship but within a few weeks she didn't like it anymore but I am still stuck on the idea. Our relationship failing makes me discouraged I'll ever find a submissive to be mine and was just wondering if you had key advice to make it work. Also I was wondering where you and your Dominant met and how you began your D/s relationship. Thanks!"

Thank you for the questions, Anon. I am glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog.

First, I would like to say that I adore ideas. They are the root of so many wonderful things and experiences, how could we not love them? The thing is though, it's easy to fall in love with ideas. Ideas do not pass judgement, they rarely highlight inconvenient truths, they don't have dirty socks, and while often complex, they are only expressions of the human mind and lack the vast complexity of actually being human.
Ideas are much easier to love than people, and quite a bit more difficult to live than they are to experience as theoretical concepts.

As someone who has never searched for a D/s relationship, I'm not sure that I have any key advice for you. Perhaps just basic sub thought processes that might be slightly helpful.

We all know that compatibility is important to relationships, and nowhere does that hold as true as it does in D/s. I think it is rare for "The One" to fall into our laps. It takes time to find that compatibility. Given that your last relationship ended recently, I wouldn't get discouraged too quickly.
I don't know if you've read it already, but I recently wrote a post that addresses some ideas of how to make ttwd work, so you might find it somewhat useful: A Question of Advice for Beginners.

As to finding and beginning a D/s relationship, I'm afraid that I don't have much to offer (though the post I mentioned might help with the beginning). Perhaps readers with more experience in this area would like to chime in and offer some thoughts...?

From a submissive perspective, when it comes to trying to find a sub using websites like Fetlife and Collarme (does that one still exist?) there is an overabundance of "doms" and very few actual Dominants. I don't have the answers, but I do think that there are approaches that one is best served by avoiding.
Submission is earned, there is already an excess of cock shots in the world, and a surprising amount of men take the "Kneel bitch" approach. It doesn't go over well.
Also, not everyone who fancies themselves submissive actually is--as I said before, ideas are easy to love, not so easy to live.
There's something to be said for just being yourself, approaching subs with a sense of normality and getting to know them as people--issuing demands and being pushy right off the bat is probably not going to get you anywhere besides blocked.
While I do believe that it is important not to try and model relationships off of other people's experience, there is definitely something to be said for doing your research--we like submitting to people who have a good grasp of what they are doing and how we work.

Alpha and I actually met a very long time ago through a mutual friend. While we did settle into a slightly unbalanced dynamic wherein he took the lead because I had very little life experience, neither of us had a concept of D/s.
We had been together somewhere around eight years before we began our forays into D/s.
Really, it was not pretty. To put it very mildly, we were not doing well as a couple. Not doing well at all. I was screwing around with D/s online, and he caught me. He said that, if I wanted to be Dominated, it would be by him and no one else.
Thus began our rather rocky explorations of power exchange. In a twist that I still find somewhat ironic, (not sure exactly why) starting this blog several years later, was the first time I was allowed on to the internet and given room for any interactions with other people who had anything to do with D/s.

I wanted to dive in and have it all right then. He took a much slower approach, and since he's in charge, we went at the pace he wanted--I thought it was slower than  snail crap, but in retrospect, he was right. Ideally, you are setting up an arrangement that is going to last for a long time--it's worth taking your time to lay up a solid foundation.

I hope that this adequately answers your questions. If you (or anyone really) has any other questions or ideas to throw my way, please feel free to do so--I'm lacking inspiration these days.

Thirty Seconds of Innocence

Apparently, it is a real downer when your sub is suffering from chronic migraines--it leaves a lot to be desired in the blowjob department. Who knew?

Anyways...

I had said something about wanting to see the new Dracula movie. My husband, of course, jumped to the logical ridiculous conclusion that I found the actor portraying Dracula to be attractive. His response was, "However did you end up with me? Given your penchant for the whole dark and dangerous look, it's kind of weird."
Naturally, I faked innocence for about thirty seconds.

Call me a bit of a whore, (if you really want to. I guess...) but black hair, blond hair, green eyes, blue eyes, brown eyes...There's no one single type I like. Well, tall. Is, "Too tall for me to beat up" a type? Even with that, I can be swayed...Because, whore. And lets face it, tall men can be assholes too. You could be six five and totally gorgeous, but if you're a pompous, self absorbed idiot, I have nothing to say. Okay, well probably something to prove your idiocy, but I'm a bitch like that...

Loyalty is hot. Protectiveness is hot. Competence is hot. Intelligence is hot. Calculating attentiveness is hot. That general aura of Dominance? Totally hot. Blood sucking deadly vampire? Why not.

Cake, Icing, and Other Strange Ramblings

For once, this post isn't actually about cake. Or icing. Well, not the real kinds anyways.

I think that I'm about to contradict myself twice in one post. Not the small sort of contradictions that you sweep under the rug before anybody notices either.

Did I mention that it's going to happen more than once all in one post? Coffee. Coffee is important here.

So...I have stated more than once that we will always be a happily married couple, with or without D/s.

After some deep introspection inspired by my longest "off" phase in the history of our dynamic, I realized that's bullshit.
For me, there's never going to be any kind of real "we" without D/s. With anybody. And by real, I mean the kind of love that makes your heart flutter every time you see someone; there would be no passion, no intimacy. And probably a sad lack of respect on my part. For me, D/s is passion and intimacy. I don't know how to feel true passion without it. And intimacy...Well, there's nothing quite as intimate as having someone crawl around in your mind and take over your body, is there?

My sexuality is inherently and completely wrapped up in Dominance and submission. Without D/s...

Dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing. Maybe those feelings of passion and intimacy are normal for those less fucked in the head most people,but I don't feel them if I don't feel Dominated. If I am not submissive.

I have also said that D/s is like the icing on the cake, but it isn't really just the icing on the cake. Cake is good with or without icing.
When you make a layered cake, you put a dab of icing on the platter under the bottom layer of cake. Just a smidgen. Without that tiny bit of icing, the cake slides around when you go to put the next layer on, and is far less stable.
That little, seemingly insignificant dab of icing makes all the other layers possible, and keeps the cake from falling to the floor (yes, I realize that some of us are more prone to dropping things than others. Lets not point fingers. Ahem).
And the layers...humanity is made of layers, D/s is created out of layers on top of layers--icing holds the layers together.

So maybe I won't contradict myself too much with this one--perhaps D/s really is like icing. But not just the icing on top. Oh no...

A Question of the Difficulties Surrounding D/s and Kids

Here's my response to the last question from Foxy Canidae. I did say that I was going to drag them out as much as possible...

"What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to TTWD and having kids?"

Hmm...

I would have to say the lack of private time. Our arrangement came into being after our first child, so our D/s has always existed within the constraints of parenthood.

The day-to-day parenting decisions are left to me, and while we always discuss our options, the big final decisions involving them are usually left up to me.
Having boys, I used to worry that the obvious overtones of dad getting the final say in damn near everything would make them into those terrible men who think that they get to do whatever they want because they're men.

The thing is...Mom runs a tight ship, and dad always backs mom up. They know that I'm the one they will have to convince if they want something--I'm the chore and extra cookie authority around here.
Interestingly enough, they have about as much disdain as I do for anyone who seems to consider themselves superior to anyone else, so I don't worry about that anymore.

I think I got sidetracked...

The hardest thing is simply time.
Time to play.
Time to express just that part of us.
Time to ignore reality and just...Be that.

Testing Resources--Vanilla

Alright ladies, I know that I'm not the only one out here insane enough to home-school who home-schools her kids...
I have a bright sixth grader who is highly intelligent, has always been advanced at math (currently holding a solid 4.0 in it), and now under the pressure of knowing that he'll probably have to take a placement test into the middle of sixth grade (or face redoing fifth if he bombs it), he cannot seem to do well on a test to save his life.

Seriously, the poor kid learned exponents, areas, and prime factorization in a week--much less time than it took me to get a grip on those concepts. He's bright. If he gets put back a grade for one bad round of testing, it will be the start of a terrible downward spiral for him--he does not do well when he's bored, and no one wants to be held back.

Because my records do not count as official transcripts, he will have to take a placement test to enter public school.

So...We're now testing a lot. But, I want him to get experience with the kinds of tests he'll be facing when he tests into public school. Anybody have any good websites that have printable tests? I'm not really picky about the states they come from. I'm looking for Common Core Standards, and anything similar to what he'll have to take to place at grade level come the start of next semester. All subjects.

Also, for anyone who does have experience with public school, I'm operating under the assumption that he'll only have one chance to test into grade level. True?

I'm not in the least bit concerned about his ability to do the work and get good grades--he's at grade level, if not above. If he can't prove that to the school on a placement test though...

So, anybody...?

We Are Who We Are

"I'm a fraud."

He rolled his eyes, "You're not a fraud. You are mine. It's just life. We've both had a lot going on lately"

"Prove that I'm not a fraud then, because I really feel like one lately."

Seriously?! Will I never learn??

"I will."

And he did.

*Sigh.*

Yet further proof that we are what we are despite our doubts or efforts to the contrary.

I think that maybe...Maybe I didn't want to be this anymore, so I convinced myself that I wasn't what I am. The odd thing about being human is that, in the end, it doesn't matter what we tell ourselves we are--because ultimately, we are nothing more and nothing less than who we are.

I realized that I'm a bit like a box, (wish I had a prettier or more graceful analogy). Sometimes I feel like one of those battered cardboard boxes you see floating around the recycling bin, full of unwanted old things. And other times I feel like one of those rare awesome wooden trunks, full of old secrets and hidden treasures.

Accepting who I am makes me feel like the trunk. When I won't, or can't, I become the box. But who I am is always there, no matter what else is currently residing inside with me, or what trappings I find myself surrounded by.

Gone...?

I tried to convince him that I'm a fraud. Just because he clearly isn't, doesn't mean that I'm not! He didn't seem to be as fazed by the statement as I thought he should be...

The thing is...Submission? Zilch, zero, nada, nothing, no go, gone, pft.

Empty...

Don't even miss it. Don't want it. Tempted to say I don't need it.

But...

There's something missing...There's a space. A place where something should be, but isn't.

And I think that I could go forever without it...Until the emptiness catches up.

What I want to know, is why does not wanting this:

Image source unknown

Makes me feel a bit like this:

Image source unknown

??????

A Question of That Peaceful Feeling

Okay, so I kind of lost track of these, but I think this one is also from Foxy Canidae...My bad...

"Is there anything you do to feel more peaceful and settled in your day? Does it relate to him and to your submission or is it about taking "me time" for yourself?"

Oh geez feeling more peaceful and settled...Truthfully, I've fallen off the horse in a big way. These days, it's a miracle if I even feel peaceful and settled in my sleep.

For a while, he had me wear the plug for at least an hour every day. Oh, I moaned and complained a bit, but it really did wonders for my head-space and helping me to just settle and focus.

I have honestly never really taken "me time". With the exception of when I was pregnant. So generally, anything that makes me feel more peaceful and settled is related to D/s, which has been in short supply around here. In no small part because of me, but that wasn't the question was it? Luckily...

All those little rituals which have fallen by the wayside because life is overwhelming, help me to feel more peaceful and settled--my daily statement to him of why I submit, the plug, time sitting at his feet, even peeing in the stupid cup every morning.

Anything that involves D/s, really.

So yea...I realize that this was kind of a lame response, but peaceful and settled are in short supply around here these days! Any readers care to chime in on this one...?

A Question of Advice for Beginners

Another question from Foxy Canidae:

"What advice would you give to someone just entering this lifestyle?"

Ooh geez, lots. Lol. I suggest coffee. Maybe more than one cup. This is likely to get long-winded and out of hand.

I guess that first and foremost, it would be not to care too much about how other people do it. I know that this might make the rest of my thoughts kind of a moot point, but...

In the beginning, its really easy to get caught up in "The right way", which is usually just modeled off of what we have read and seen--because not having our own past experiences to rely on, we look to the experience of others. Now don't get me wrong, there's definitely something to be said for watching the rest of us screw up and knowing better learning from the mistakes and knowledge offered by others; however, it is not necessary to use the framework set forth by someone else in order to have a healthy and successful D/s relationship.
It can be awfully difficult to remember that what we read is a snapshot--a picture of a moment in time or a thought process shared by the writer. Not everyone is willing to dump their mistakes and bad days out onto the internet for consumption by the general public. So before you decide that your brand of D/s sucks monkey butts, (sometimes it will. Promise--happens to all of us) remind yourself that people tend to share the times of smooth sailing quite a bit more often than they highlight the choppy seas.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner. If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with them. And if you're not honest with them, you either aren't going to make it very far down this road, or you are going to put yourself in a situation where you get hurt because the other person doesn't have enough pieces of the puzzle to help put you back together if things go awry.

Take it slow--the world is not going to end because you didn't do/get/experience it all yesterday. Seriously. Take your time. Chances are, you won't be dying tomorrow, and it is far better to work your way slowly towards something wonderful than it is to rush headlong into a disaster of your own making. You cannot go back and undo what has been done, but you can give it a damn fine go the first time around if you move slowly enough to do so.

Blanket advice aside, I admit that I would probably give Dominants a little bit different advice than I would to a submissive. Because yea, different ends of the power spectrum.

To a Dominant, I would say remember that you are not omnipotent. There will no doubt be times when you will feel that way, and your submissive will certainly view you that way more often than not, but...In the grand scheme of things, you are not.
You will make mistakes--to err is human, and you are still human. What really matters is what you do with your mistakes. Own them, admit that you were wrong, don't repeat them, and if warranted, don't be afraid to apologize for them.

If you want your sub to live up to your expectations, you have to give her the tools to do so, and accept that you must both work within the rules of reality. For instance, you can't expect to be met naked at the door every day if there are kids in the house. It's just not feasible. The examples could be many, but it boils down to the fact that you cannot expect someone to submit to you if you are unwilling to do some work for it and adapt to the constraints of life in general.

Be consistent. Seriously, I can't stress this one enough. Consistency earns respect and provides a submissive the framework within which to exist. You can't expect anyone to do what you tell them to if your expectations and the consequences of their actions are inconsistent. Plus, we're finicky creatures and consistency makes us feel special and stable. It shows us that you care.

Let her feel what she feels, and share how she feels. You are working your way through the inside of a human mind with a heart attached. If you want unfettered access, your sub has to know without a doubt that she can tell you anything--otherwise you'll never make it past the outer walls of her mind. If she can't share the most twisted, darkest, angriest, saddest, parts of herself, you won't ever truly own her.

If you want her body to be your playground, you have to get through her mind first. Wonderful and terrible things can happen to the human body and never touch the mind, never reach the soul, never impact the heart. If you want to well and truly own another being, you aren't going to get there through what you do to their body alone. If you can touch her mind, she is more yours than touching her body could ever make her be.
That's not to say that the two don't often go hand-in-hand, but they are not certainly not mutually exclusive.

And lastly? Yea...It's pretty simple--just don't be an asshole.

To a submissive I would say, remember that he's human too. At the core of ourselves, we're all just human beings being human. Yes, you are putting your life in the hands of a mere mortal. There are consequences to that, and they aren't always pretty. Accept it. Get over it. Don't hold his mistakes over his head.

Don't push him to do things your way. While it is important to acknowledge and be honest about your needs and wants, D/s is intrinsically not about getting your way--it's about doing things his way, having the faith to trust someone else to make the right call, and the wherewithal to suck it up when a call you disagree with is made.

Don't expect him to be Dominant if you are busy running around questioning every decision he makes--Domination becomes ridiculously more complicated and difficult when it's constantly being challenged.
Really, expectation in general is not your friend--it makes us too caught up in how we think things should be as opposed to living how he thinks we should. If we are always too busy with our own expectations, there isn't room for his. And, after all, D/s isn't really about what we want.

If you want him to know what makes you tick, what really and take advantage of it, you have to let down the walls. Let him in. Not the superficial way we let people in, that's not going to get him there. But the way your skeletons know you--the scars that make you who you are, the things that are hard to love about yourself, the desires you hate admitting to yourself.

Submit. Sounds pretty basic, kind of like not being an asshole, right? But it's not always so simple. D/s is a cyclical reciprocal arrangement, and if you want Domination, you must offer submission. It's easy to submit to the things we want, not so easy when every bone in our body is screaming about how badly we don't want to do it. I think that, quite often, submission is very much about the things you don't want to do. And doing them anyways.

I'm sure that I'll think of a million more things tonight at midnight, but there you have it.

Life...

It really wasn't my intention to go this long without posting, especially with the lovely inspirations some of you left me, but you know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell...
My computer simply refuses to connect to the home network under any circumstances--out to get me I tell ya.
We were gone for a few days and I had a kinda job interview. I think it went okay...Kind of hard to tell when the decision is up to three people and they don't need the position filled immediately.
Our oldest dog died. He was fifteen, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but it's still sad--he was the last of the critters from when we first got together, and the only one we have had since the big kiddo was born, so, yea...

Anyways...I'd have some cutsy smart-ass picture to go with this post, but my computer with all the good stuff on it has become rather like an unwieldy paperweight...

Tomorrow, I'll get a post up addressing the next question from the lovely inspirations given to me aeons ago...

A Question of Going From Dominant to Submissive

I got several responses to my plea for inspiration. Thanks again!

Foxy Canidae asked a few questions that I am going to milk for all they are worth, and break into three posts. Might as well make the most of it, right?

Without further ado...

"Has there been a time where you had to have a more dominant personality with others and found it difficult to bring your submissive side back out when around your Master? How did you do it?"

I think that, overall, I tend to project a fairly Dominant personality. Mostly because I don't like being pushed around, and projecting a more Dominant persona makes it much easier to avoid that inner urge to accede to the Dominant personalities I may come into contact with.

This question is actually something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Specifically as it relates to working, but it's also applicable to any situation where I have to be in charge and then switch gears back to submissive.

Most recently, and with a momentous impact, was my mother' big surgery. After months of playing patient's advocate, taking care of her, and not living at home, I'm still trying to "bounce back". I've been home since June(?) and, though it pains me to admit, I still haven't managed to come completely back around to where I should be.

As a general course, it has always been very difficult for me to switch from "work" mode, to "submissive" mode. This was, as you might imagine, somewhat of an issue when I was working regularly. It's also something I have been contemplating rather extensively with the prospect of possibly being able to get a management position next year.

It's one of those double edged sword things which I hate love so much--the more "in charge" I am, the more I crave D/s. Yet, at the same time, it is extremely difficult for me to switch out of management mode and actually submit at the end of the day.

How did I do it? Um...Truthfully, not very well.

We did implement a few routines to help me leave my whole "I'm in charge" attitude at the door--he would meet me, kiss me on the forehead, and inform me that I was his. All before I made it past the doorway. Simple, but it did help.
I would also sit at his feet for at least a few minutes after dinner, which was very helpful with my overall mindset.

I think that having simple little rituals to help one transition to the submissive mindset can be very helpful.

Anyone else have any ideas on this topic? It is something that I have always struggled with, and I am quite  interested in how other people manage these types of issues.

A Question of Offering Submission and Rules?

Several people were kind enough to give me post fodder. Yay!

See? I'm not really as difficult as he likes me out to be.

Now's my chance to be like the medical office--questions will be answered in the order received.

Okay, okay...

Anonymous asked:

"How do you feel that you can offer him your submission without him having to obtain it? How does he know without enforcing rules? Are rules necessary all the times?"

In order of appearance...

For some reason, the wording of this first question is tripping me up a bit...I'm just going interpret is as how I can offer him submission without him working/asking specifically for it...?

So, I think this is about ways to show submission, and ways to be submissive without his input. To me, these are somewhat different questions.

On one hand, it is sometimes difficult to be submissive if one isn't feeling the Dominance. On the other hand, submission is a state of being and doesn't require direct orders to manifest itself.
If he's not expressing his will, I can show submission by taking a more proactive role (work in progress). I can do things and behave in a manner that are/is submissive--if it's making his plate, and un-asked for cup of tea, kneeling at his feet just because, etc.
Submission becomes part of the relationship. It just is. Regardless of his reaching for it--it is something that is always his. Even if I don't always excel at its expression...

As to how he knows without enforcing rules...Tripped up again! My brain seems to have taken a temporary (I hope) leave of absence.
How does he know that I am following the rules if he doesn't go around enforcing them, or how does he know I'm offering my submission if he isn't actively enforcing the rules?
I'll go both ways...

He knows if I'm following the rules because if he doesn't notice, I'll tattle on myself. It's really a terrible trait--I simply can't help it. Comes back to the whole "Transparency" thing I guess.
I don't think that submission is a product of rules--rules exist to refine submission to the Dominant's desires. He knows that I am being submissive through our interactions, my state of mind, the way I am and the things that I do.

Are rules necessary all the time? Well...While people usually put a lot of emphasis on rules, D/s can exist without them.
Are my rules always in existence? Yes. He prefers to call them "Expectations", but I think that, for all intents and purposes, the definition for us is the same. Am I always expected to live up to those expectations? Yes. Do I always pull it off? No.
That is not to say that there are never any exceptions for circumstances, but those circumstances had damn well better be valid!

Inspiration?! Please...?

I could talk about how the car we're trying to give my mom broke down right before we took mine in to get fixed, and the bill was astronomically higher than I had hoped, or how stupid it is that my personal computer won't connect to the internet anymore, or how home schooling sixth and first graders at the same time is kicking my ass, or how much living in limbo sucks,or any other number of perfectly reasonable complaints...But I don't want to.

I want to think and absorb as many D/s thoughts as I can before life really turns upside down...

So...Thoughts?
Questions?
Answers?
Ideas?
Anything...?
Please?

A Willful Disregard of Sense, or, Who's Really in Charge Around Here?

Okay okay, I admit that the catchy part of the title isn't mine. The first part of it was a gift. Don't judge!

Anyways...

A comment made on one of my posts some time ago, got me to thinking of that seemingly never-ending debate about whose really in charge of a D/s relationship. Seems like kind of a no-brainer to me, but hey--I'm almost always up for a good debate. Best thing about debating myself in a blog post? I'm always right (until I start talking to him, but that comes later).

Honestly, it seems silly to me, this concept that the submissive is really in charge. I have heard it argued that the only reason people on my side of power exchange tend to rail against the aforementioned concept, is that we simply aren't comfortable with the "reality" that we are in charge because we can withdraw consent. As if the Dominant is somehow incapable of calling an end to it himself.
What a load of poppycock. I have been itching to use that word for ages.

Seriously, if I'm really in charge, what exactly is the point of ttwd?

If I am really in charge, then this whole way of living is nothing more than an elaborate lie I tell myself every day, a hoax that I perpetrate upon myself and my relationship over and over again...

I wonder why, why really do some people have this idea that the sub is actually in charge? My personal theory at the moment, is that some Dominants are not comfortable with a certain level of control, and some subs are not comfortable with a certain depth of submission. No scientific studies have been created to prove or disprove this theory.

So I did what I always do when mulling over a particular quandary--I asked Alpha for his thoughts.

He shrugged because those things that go round and round in my head are usually just of passing and philosophical interest to him. "Because they're doing it wrong." I couldn't help myself, "Oh babe, they're not gonna like that." His response made it quite clear that the idea didn't bother him in the least little bit.

His point was, if a submissive feels like she can walk away at any moment, she hasn't really surrendered in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we both acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which it is neither desirable, nor wise, to surrender to the point where you feel you cannot walk away. As always, it is about context, and my opinions come from within the context of my marriage and an M/s dynamic.

There may have been just the slightest hint of whine in my voice when I said, "I'm stuck on my post! I need a logical argument to support my opinion..." He really didn't seem to be the least little bit bothered by my quandary. He shrugged, again, (see a running theme here?)and said, "Lots of times, the sub is in charge."
Say what...? "That's not helping me provide a logical argument! Though I suppose I should appreciate that you're finally taking my quandary seriously...But still!" Why is it that the things I get all worked up about phase him so little??
"If a sub is only 97% in, she's in charge." Only 97% huh? Okay, now he's just raining on my parade...

And so the post sat all day, while I did my thing and wandered back occasionally to stare at what had become an  exceedingly uninspiring page.
This morning it hit me, maybe that's where I draw the line defining slavery and submission for myself personally--when I question what I am is when I'm desperately reaching for that tiny percentage which I gave up years ago. This might sound totally silly, but it was one of those light-bulb moments for me, and with only half a cup of coffee too!

So the answer to who's really in charge around here, is clearly him. But I guess that answer is kind of dependent on whose "here" one is talking about. Odd how concepts evolve over the course of a thought process...

The thing is...D/s is a choice. It is a conscious decision to bow to the authority of another human being, to surrender one's will to that of another, to hand over control to someone else.
Once the choice is made, to live D/s, to be a submissive or a slave, not just to act like one, you have to be all in.
Getting out is not quite as simple as just choosing not to be what you have become. Once you taste it, live it, become it, float on its waves...It gets into your blood, becomes part of who you are, and denying it will haunt you in ways that you never imagined.
In a way, you become enslaved, not just to the Master, but to the concept itself.

Filling the Void

I was writing something totally unrelated to the blog, and in my easily distracted way, I had to run over and start a post. Because yea...Butterflies and sparkly things.

I think that D/s fills voids. You know, those little cracks that life seems to leave in one's being? Yea, those.
I think that we either seek out D/s to fill the void, or discover down the road that it in some way fulfills the function of doing so.

The truth is, we are all at least a little bit broken. That's what life does to us, how we form our character, it is a huge part of what makes us who we are. We're always searching for some way to patch the cracks, even if we don't know why, what we're looking for, or indeed sometimes that we are searching in the first place.

Humans are a bit like bowls--we hold everything that has been put in us, and there's no way to be scrubbed clean while we are full. It might seem like a bit of a dichotomy to say that we have voids and cracks, but are full at the same time. Yet...perhaps the cracks are the voids.

D/s has a way of breaking open the cracks so the dirt can fall out and we can be put back together with gold. I used to try and wash away the filth of the things that had happened to me, and fill the cracks with anything I could find. Our D/s has washed me out and patched me back together.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that subs often crave the "Breaking". Because we feel that if D/s broke it, D/s will fill the cracks it created. Then, instead of being shattered beyond repair, we are held together by something beautiful. And we become something more than what we were before.

A Poetic Excess In My Head

There is a poetic excess in my head

like my daily bread

the mind lets out

what the soul can no longer hold.

Ripping the bandages off old wounds

no time to heal comes too soon

like a reflection of the moon 

on still waters running deep

in the voice of a child who cries herself to sleep.

There is a poetic excess in my mind

painting a picture

of the stories between me and my dead

telling tales
sometimes best left unsaid.

There is a poetic excess in my head
of possibility and probability
of what might have been and what could still be
drowning me in its endless sea.

Spirits walk through my dreams

reminding me to look at all those things unseen

words unsaid

between us and our dead.

There is a poetic excess in my head

the children of earth

over and over given to birth
and all these lessons we try so hard to learn.

D/s is Not an Exception to the Rules of Reality

It's glorious, isn't it? Those first moments when you discover D/s and you devour every bit of information you can find, every story, experience, word, idea, and picture...
It's a land of hidden fantasies come true, you realize that's what you are and who you were meant to be. You want it as your reality, so you immerse yourself in the fantasy...

Of course, the main drawback to fantasy is that reality will always eventually intrude. And, as is the nature of reality, said intrusion can be quite rude. It is, however, completely necessary if you want to live D/s. The rest of your life exists in reality, and ttwd is going to be no exception.

Go ahead and immerse yourself in the waters of fantasy. We all do it sometimes--those are some pretty awesome waves out there. But out here in the reality of the ocean? Some of those waves will knock you on your ass.

I was roaming around today, and found an old post elsewhere quoting one of my posts from several years ago...

"Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If he was how I wanted him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all."

Now isn't it just a bitch when your own sensible conclusions jump out at you randomly? I can't even get away from them by going somewhere else!

The truth is, if you want to float on the highs, you have to pass through the lows--if your going to live it with another human being. Every single day, with no off switch, no "visiting", and no meetings of convenience, then you're not going to be on top of the world every day. That's just not how life works.

About sums it up...

As challenging as it can be to accept the difficulties which come with being a human who lives their reality with another human, those times make the fantasies which turn into reality that much sweeter.