Sunday, January 2, 2011

All out of sorts

Submission is kind of like a drug. Once it's in your system, if you have to go without it, there is withdrawal. It becomes more like a need than a want. Even if you don't want it, you still need it or your system will crash (at least for a while).
i haven't wanted lately. Actually, quite the opposite. i've been feeling excessively snarky and out of sorts which is why i have not been writing as much on the blog. It started with a ridiculously long work week that led to a head cold. Then it was nicely rounded out by an attempted bout of morning sex from M (apparently, "just cum" is the most un-sexy statement one can make), finding out that a check was not coming in the mail like it should have, and the follow through into the new year is a 7 year old puking everywhere.

i crave submission. i need it, i want it, it is part of who i am. Yet still, even now, sometimes i hate it, i don't want it, i think it is not part of who i am. The ironic thing is, i do need Dominance from Him regardless of how much i want it. With His Dominance comes a feeling of completeness and stability that nothing else gives me.
When i fight Him, M is not happy with me. As pissy as i have been feeling, i still crave His approval. i never used to crave approval like this. There is nothing quite as crushing as seeing a look of disappointment in His eyes. i can't believe that i still have these ups and downs. Not as much as i used to, but even now, almost six years later... i'm having a hard time crawling out of my head lately and M hasn't been well so things got a bit further out of hand than He usually allows them to go. i think it's mostly the time of year. My fathers birthday would have been January tenth, but he's dead now and nothing is the same as it used to be.
i did have a really wonderful experience the other day though. It was small, and i'm sure would seem insignificant to the rest of the world, but it was one of those unique and pure moments that just sneaks up out of the blue sometimes. i was at the compounding department in the pharmacy picking up my bosses pain meds. The receptionist has always been kind of a bitch to me but it was a snowstorm from hell outside, i was having one of "those" days, and i just didn't feel like waiting in the car. i was sitting there in the office and she said something about hoping this year to come was better than last year. i wholeheartedly agreed (i mean, i could have agreed with Sarah Pailin on that one, it wasn't a stretch). Then she said her father died in November. i told her my dad died in August. And bam, there it was. That sense of being connected to another human being just because death and love and family transcends all the bullshit we make for ourselves. We had something in common beyond the useless menial tasks of daily life. She came around the desk and gave me a hug. Then the pharmacist who's always pissy and hates me because my boss takes to many pain pills came in and irritated me in his usual manner lol.

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