Sunday, January 16, 2011

Randomness and "being better"

 The other night we were lying in bed and I asked Alpha if there was one thing He could change about my submission, what would it be (Okay, so I'm all fuzzy at the time and I'm not thinking that I would know by now because after all, He's the one in charge right?). He said He'd have to think about it. For about five seconds I subscribed to the view that it was super sweet because there was nothing big and obvious enough to come right off the top of His head. Then it occurred to me that maybe it was because there was so many things that He couldn't pick just one. Fucker refused to clarify.
The reason I asked the question was, for one, I really am curious as to what it would be and I enjoy knowing that He is pleased with me so perhaps it would lead me be able to please Him more. For two (oh come on, there's almost always a "but" or "for two, or three, or four..." Just because it's rarely said doesn't mean it's not there), as a sub it's not easy suggesting things that You think will improve your Dominant and I had something particular on my mind. I am not good with lines (really I'm not, it's a terrible thing trying to decide where the various lines in life are and which ones should absolutely not be crossed lol). Like the line between helping Him be the best that He can (contrary to popular opinion in my family, I am not the only one who feels the need to be the best at everything they do), and attempting to top from the bottom. Which is something I try not to do anymore and He nips in the bud right off the bat. It would have been fairly easy to bring up without sounding critical if He had said something about me first lol. So as a result, I ended up saying nothing at all. Naturally, He is going to read this and if I'm not forthcoming it will probably end with me backed up against a wall feebly protesting that I really do need oxygen to survive. So I'll decrease my chances of being oxygen deprived right now (yea yea, so I do enjoy being grabbed by the throat and pushed up against the wall). It was a simple little thing. Given the overall vastness of ttwd, having a "thing" here and there isn't a big deal. The "improvement" I kept to myself? Consistency. Fairly simple...right?

I spend a fair amount of time bitching about how sadistic Alpha is. And He really can be. But in the end, that's not really what gets Him off the most. What He loves, what He thrives on, what turns Him on the most, is control. I was thinking about it because the other night after an activity which involved me being in pain, He rolled over, and with deep seriousness and sincerity, stated "I don't enjoy hurting you little one." Uhhhh, you just whipped me with a belt, and now you "don't enjoy" causing me pain?! He chuckled. and replied "I like seeing you get off on it. It gets me off." I countered with the fact that, just because my body tells it's own damn story without my consent, it's almost always a bit too much (okay, in all fairness I guess that's part of the appeal). I continued by saying that there's plenty of times I'm not enjoying the pain but He likes giving it just fine. He of course had to make things logical and pointed out that those times are generally when I am in trouble and He finds it quite satisfactory to give me what I have earned. Sigh. I'm the one who told Him it was okay to let the sadist out of His box. And now I'm doubting my masochistic tendencies on a regular basis.

I read all these nice clear accounts of subs experiences with their Dominants. I'm fuzzy as fuck after those times. Everything gets hazy, words said flow out of my mind, physical actions fade together, time becomes irrelevant, and my recall is generally total shit so they rarely transfer neatly to my bloglol.

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