A new year and the pitfalls of attraction

Well, after 10 years it finally happened--i got the flu. i suppose it was inevitable eventually lol. Still not cool though. And now M is layed out on the couch looking remarkably like i did yesterday. To top it off i have a piece of dried noodle stuck under my fingernail. Go ahead, laugh at my suffering all you want. It's really not that funny though just so you know. That's the last time i try to chip something off a dirty dish with my fingernail. Anyways, that's the extent of life's excitement this week. A truly thrilling start to the new year lol.

i have been thinking about attractiveness. Not physical attraction so much as what it is about someone's personality. Specifically M. And to my horror, i realized some of the things that are most attractive are the things i like least. Wtf?! Like the way He looks at a woman He finds beautiful. His eyebrows raise slightly and His eyes develop a particular glint. At that point He is likely to say something fairly innocuous and slightly flirtatious with no regard for my presence whatsoever which inevitably gets her simpering like an idiot (dear god, i'm that idiot on a daily basis). It drives me up the wall and yet, He will do as He wishes which Really drives me up the wall. But it's still a turn on. And the way He can be so cold cold and calculating at times. Those are the times when there's no reasoning, no compromise, just Him getting His way because He says so. Does it drive me mad? Yes. Do i find it terribly hot and attractive? Yes. And the way He can keep secrets and be all mysterious and shit. After almost 13 years, what the hell's left to be mysterious about?? But still, after all this time, mysterious and full of surprises. Makes me totally uncomfortable and insecure; like He could disintegrate my world in an instant. Is that attractive? ummm, well, yea. Or how He can tell random people what to do out of the blue and they just do it; what on earth is wrong with them? And once again, i'm one of those people lol. Though not so random thank heavens.

We have been together since i was 15. He said something the other night which i found slightly disturbing. We were lying there in bed and out of nowhere He says "I've owned you since you were a little girl. I've been training you for a long time you know." Ummm, "that's fucked up!" i sputtered indignantly. He smiled with that particularly sadistic and smug look "I know." Pulled me to His shoulder and commenced snoring within a matter of minutes. How does He do that? i lie awake over thinking the world and He floats into dreamland without a second thought.