When I tell Alpha how twisted He is, He likes to point out exactly how twisted I am. So maybe He has a point there lol. But still, there is some kind of strange comfort in knowing that He's just a little more twisted than me. Why exactly? I'm not sure. When we first began our journey into D/s I was really afraid Alpha was going to find out that I was more kinky than Him. Turns out, I'm not. He just spent a lot of time keeping the beast in it's cage. Eventually someone had to open the door. When He did He told me that, while He didn't mind hurting me (go figure), He was afraid of damaging me and never wanted to be responsible for breaking me. Fair enough, I'm not complaining. But was it really necessary to let me spend all that time obsessing about being too twisted? I guess for someone who likes to watch me squirm as much as Alpha does, it was.
So we have been indulging the darkness within. Alpha plowed through the doors of my mind and explored the sick shit inside. He let the twisted sadist in Himself out to play. That was a while ago but I still remember my moment of panic "omg, what have I done. I can't handle Him!" And I guess I still can't handle Him. But in the end, I'm not supposed to be able to "handle" Him. If I could, what would be the point? There is a beauty to letting go and watching the beast torment my body and ravage my mind. I love that Alpha is just a little more twisted, always one step further when I peer into the shadows of possibility.
Darkness gets a bad rap. We can't see through it so we don't always know what's inside. But some of us decide to do a little more than just take a peek. We travel into the darkness and explore its realms of limitless possibility. It's to easy to think that BDSM is a physical experience. Yes, there's no denying that it is a physical experience when you're covered in piss, tied to the bed, and begging for the pain to stop. But the mental aspects, what Alpha does to my mind...Those are the things I find truly incredible. What can be done with words and thoughts alone is truly amazing. That He can hold me enthralled and entranced, simply with a word or a look...It's like this magnetic attraction sucking me in.
When something shifts in his eyes and the beast comes out to play with my mind and maybe will decide to prey on my body...When He indulges the darkness within and I know that I am completely and irreversibly owned...That's when I know that surfing the abyss is worth the risk.