Looking back over my blog, I realized something--I think and express primarily in emotion and feeling. Maybe part of it is that physical events can be difficult for me to recount because my brain gets all fuzzy and shit. Maybe it's because I'm an emotional person who gets to swept up in feeling. Or maybe I just think to much.
While I was browsing through blogs last night, I found a post that talked about something that has been on my mind a lot lately (normally I do get off my lazy ass and make a link when I don't have a blog listed here, but for some reason it's not showing on my dashboard and I can't figure out how to get back to it 'cuz I'm savvy like that). Switching from work mode to submissive mode. I know that this is an experience some subs don't have an issue with. Maybe that's because they are able to see themselves as submissive to their Dominants even when they are functioning in a different role and that's enough to keep them on track. I really don't know. I on the other hand, being multi-talented in my fucked-upness, have a very difficult time switching back and forth between running the show (or being the top bitch on the ladder as the case may be), and handing over control when I walk back in the door. Getting back in my place as the case may be. The post I read suggested having a routine, something that establishes your submission as soon as you walk back in the door. Things like that are a bit difficult when you have two kids roaming the halls but it seems like a nice idea.
Of course, there's that little issue of me actually liking being at the top of the bitch ladder. And sometimes, I just damn well don't want to do as I'm told. It might be nice to be one of those subs who isn't always over thinking, someone who always feel submissive; to not feel the need to question and stand on the line just to see exactly where it is. But I guess that's just not who I am I and I doubt it ever will be. But I would like the ability to drop all that outside shit and just be His when I walk back through the door. No struggle to go back to where I belong.
I've struggled with this over the past year and a half or so. It helps that my job is not so heirarchical - it is more collegial. But there is still a switching of gears tha has to happen. Even at home - my sons are both as big or bigger than me at this point - i have to fight that little bit more to assert the "mom is actually the one in charge" thing with them. So there is switching even moment by moment at home. The hardest for me though is wehn he is out of town (weekly). I still don't manage to keep myself in quite the right place when i do talk to him (that's putting it politely actually). I think most people, subs, women maybe have trouble with this in some form or another.
ReplyDeleteMy boys aren't bigger than me yet (the eldest is catching up fast though lol), but we did find that me asserting Dominant mode with them worked much better after a good talking to from Alpha here and there regarding "respecting your mother."
ReplyDeleteLol, I'm just glad I won't ever be on the receiving end of that one.